A Cake, A Gathering, and the Power of Connection

Posted: April 10, 2024

There’s a certain authenticity in creating meaningful moments for others, especially when circumstances challenge our ability to connect. This authenticity resonated deeply when our neighbors graciously extended an invitation to celebrate their birthday. However, life threw us a curveball as a sudden cold and congestion left us unable to accept their kind gesture.

Fueled by a desire to make amends and spread some joy, I resolved to host a heartfelt gathering at our home once my health improved. With each ingredient carefully selected, I poured my heart into baking a homemade cake, knowing it would serve as a symbol of our genuine apology and warm welcome.

As our neighbors arrived, their eyes sparkled with surprise and gratitude at the sight of the lovingly crafted cake and the inviting atmosphere enveloping our home. Despite the initial setback, the air was charged with hope and friendship, an evident to the power of genuine connection.

While my husband tended to the finer details, setting the table with care and ensuring every aspect was just right, our son’s playful tunes on the piano added a touch of magic to the celebration, filling the room with a sense of warmth and familiarity.

Gathered around the table, we shared stories, laughter, and slices of the homemade cake, each bite a reminder of the care and thoughtfulness behind its creation. As we raised our voices in a heartfelt rendition of “Happy Birthday,” the room was filled with a sense of unity and joy.

In those fleeting hours, amidst the laughter and shared memories, I couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of gratitude for the opportunity to make a difference in someone’s day. It was a reminder that even in the face of adversity, simple acts of kindness have the power to uplift spirits and bring people together in unexpected ways.

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Neena’s Confidante

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Tags:women's voices

Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.

Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!

When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.

Neena wanted to study further but she had little say in the matter. With her parents gone, she had to concede to her uncles’ decision. After all, by getting her married they could get rid of the responsibility of a young girl. So, at sixteen Neena found herself married to Sunil.

In the beginning, Sunil was good to her. He was kind to her and it seemed to her that probably he loved her. But within months of them getting married, slowly, and steadily he changed. He would shout at her at the drop of a hat. If the food was not to his liking, he would yell at her. If she forgot to iron his shirt, he would go berserk. Things that looked trivial to her created turbulence in Sunil’s demeanour.

“Why are you standing here like a rock? The food will not cook itself. I am already late for work.” Sunil’s harsh words shook Neena from her reverie and brought her to her present- A present which was not pleasant.

Over the years she had grown accustomed to Sunil’s jibes. He had anger issues and Neena would be at the receiving end of his nasty outbursts.

There were just three people who resided in the humble second-floor apartment. One of the corner bedrooms was inhabited by Sunil’s ninety-year-old grandmother Sumitra Devi. ‘Amma’ as she was addressed by Neena and Sunil, Sumitra Devi was a frail old woman who could hardly walk. She would be on her bed and age had shrivelled away her memory. She mostly rambled incoherent sentences and Neena was the only one who could understand her gestures and garbled sounds.

As soon as Sunil left for work, Neena took a loud sigh. She could now stop walking on eggshells. But before sitting down with a much-deserved cup of coffee, she had to tend to Amma. Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise. Amma was Neena’s lone companion in the corner second-floor apartment. Each day after Sunil left for work and she had to help Amma with her chores, Neena would ramble on and share with Amma her anguish and all that ailed her being. She would even outpour her dreams and fears to her unsuspecting nonagenarian grandmother-in-law.

Today too, like every other day, with dexterous precision she began feeding Amma her morning breakfast. Dabbing her face time and again with a damp cloth, she fed small morsels of porridge as Amma stared at her with a faraway look in her eyes. As always Neena began her soliloquy of sorts, “Amma, you know what? Today the tenth exam results were announced. And this time too amma, girls outshone the boys. I saw the pictures of the girls. They were beaming with pride and happiness.” Neena spoke animatedly and suddenly turned pensive. She paused as she waited for Amma to swallow the small spoonful of porridge. Making Amma eat was akin to making a one-year-old eat. It was marked with constant instructions of Neena uttering, “Chew amma, yes chew slowly.”

At times amma showed extreme displeasure and would not open her mouth. On such days, Neena would take Amma out in the residential park. There sitting underneath the sturdy Gulmohar tree amma would- after much cooing and cajoling – eat her breakfast. The two women would sit, one blabbering away to glory and the other mumbling gibberish. People passing by would peek at them- some with prying curiosity while others with a sense of fascination. Some would even look at Neena woefully with pity in their eyes. Yet little did they know that for Neena the time spent outside the four walls of her house was much cherished. The house where Neena had been living since she had gotten married fifteen years ago, was a constant reminder of Sunil’s aloofness and contempt. An air of sullenness hung large in the air and Neena was more than happy to step away from it.

Today though amma behaved like an obedient child and gaped at her as Neena rambled on.

“Amma, you know what, I was in grade ten when I lost Ma and Papa. I had been looking forward to appearing for my board exams. But…then suddenly I found myself a married woman. How things would have been if Ma and Papa had not left me. Maybe I would have been a smart and educated memsaab, like our neighbour Anjali.” Neena could not help but smile as Amma looked at her quizzically. Many times Neena felt that Amma was listening to her with rapt attention and was actually nodding along.

She continued, “Yes amma, just like Anjali. She works in a bank and have you seen how she carries herself? She walks with an air of elegance. I think earning your own money gives you that confidence.” Neena retorted with vehemence.

But the very next moment her voice fell. “Then what do I know? I have never stepped out and done anything worthwhile. You know amma, many times I thought of inviting Anjali home over lunch or dinner. How fascinating it would be to listen to her talk. But then, you remember how Sunil shouted at me and asked me to stay away from these feminist kinds.”

Just then amma snorted.

“Oh, look at me going on and on,” Neena at once patted Amma’s back and got up to get water for her. At times she wondered if not for Amma who would she have talked to? She knew everyone in the housing society she had been staying in for the better part of her life. Yet no one could cross the boundary of acquaintance and waddle in the waters of friendship. Neena often looked at Amma wistfully. She had been told by Sunil how Amma used to be a firebrand of a woman before Parkinson’s and old age withered her spirits and body. Neena came to know from Sunil that Amma was a nurse back in the day. She would tell Amma often, “Amma how great you would have felt to be able to live your life like that. To be able to decide the course of your life…”

Many times, Neena pushed a pen and a diary towards Amma hoping that she might scribble something. Sometimes amma would pick up the pen and scrawl something. But it was never legible enough to read. Neena still persisted, in a faint hope that maybe someday she might have a two-way conversation with her only confidante. But all she could ever get were zig-zag lines and indecipherable words.

***

Days elapsed and while the nights seemed shorter, afternoons dragged at a dreary pace for Neena. On one such day, Neena woke up with a start. Yawning with an air of languor still clutching her body, she stood up from her queen-sized bed. She suddenly remembered what she had dreamed in the wee hours just before reality took hold. The sheer remembrance made her smile. Next to her Sunil snored blissfully. She sighed. She silently hoped for him to sleep a bit more. More sleep left him with less time to bombard her with vicious insinuations. With slow yet steady steps, she reached Amma’s room.

“How did you sleep amma? I had such strange dreams. I saw that I was wearing a pantsuit and attending a meeting. Can you imagine me doing that?” Neena went on while pouring water into Amma’s copper bottle. As she turned around, she saw Amma’s face. At once she felt something was amiss. Amma’s eyes were closed and her face had a white pallor.

“Amma….” Neena shrieked and ran towards her bed.

As she touched Amma’s forehead, she knew.

An errant tear at once made its presence felt on her left cheek. She was too stunned to move. A couple of minutes elapsed. Slowly she wiped her face and collected herself. She needed to tell Sunil. But just as she was about to pick herself up, her eyes strayed towards something next to Amma’s bed. A red-colored folder sat next to Amma’s pillow. Neena’s hand shivered as she opened the folder. It had a stack of papers. A few minutes went by before she could read what was written in those papers. When reality hit her, she sat there transfixed. These were the papers of Amma’s old ancestral house. Amma had left the sole ownership of the house to Neena.

Next to the folder was the diary that Neena had bought for Amma. It was the same diary that Neena had handed over to Amma many times, to hear from Amma but to no avail. Overcome with emotions, Neena picked up the diary as it was symbolic of their silent conversations over the years.

As she turned the pages with grief writ large on her face, Neena’s eyes fell on the last page. She stared incredulously at it as tears enveloped her vision. The letters though looking like a kid’s mindless scribblings, were legible enough to be understood.

“Study Neena. Become a memsaab.”

Wiping her tears, Neena couldn’t stop herself from replying, “Yes amma, I will …I will.”

The morning sun rays peered through the open window, at once drowning the room in its soft refulgence.

Image source: Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

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A Conversation With Author & Publisher Niveditha Louis

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Tags:women's voices

“I usually write during night”, says author Nivedita Louis during our conversation. Chuckling she continues,” It’s easier then to focus solely on writing. Nivedita Louis is a writer, with varied interests and one of the founders of Her Stories, a feminist publishing house, based in Chennai.

In a candid conversation she shared her journey from small-town Tamil Nadu to becoming a history buff, an award-winning author and now a publisher.

From working in railways to curating heritage walks

Nivedita was born and raised in a small town in Tamil Nadu. It was for schooling that she first arrived in Chennai. Then known as Madras, she recalls being awed by the city. Her love-story with the city, its people and thus began which continues till date. She credits her perseverance and passion to make a difference to her days as a vocational student among the elite sections of Madras.

“I was happy, I could mingle with likeminded people because there were other vocational batches as well and we were mostly from ordinary backgrounds. And when someone transports you to a place where foreign vacations, English fluency are the norm, it changes and shapes a lot of perspectives. It kind of gives you the drive to succeed, to do more, and make it and this thought made me, I would say.”

Following her schooling her placement for Railways was delayed during which she did many odd jobs from being a dance teacher, to selling sarees. “I was not someone who could be quiet, and then I got my appointment and joined the Railways, where I worked for seventeen years. And there were varied experiences during my work when I worked at goods shed, booking office and even one-man stations where I will be the only person running the ticket counter and taking care of the station.”

After many years, wanting a change, she quit her work and moved to Chennai from Trichy. This move opened new experiences and interests for her. “After shifting to Chennai and my children started school, I realised how my entire day was void, till the kids came back in the evening. I was really bored to death, so then I thought why not explore Chennai by myself. I mean I have always had a fascination for the city so I started joining the heritage walks that were organised around the city.”

She adds that while these heritage walks were interesting, she felt their definition of heritage was very limited to specific temples and locations. This prompted her to curate information so as to make an inclusive heritage walk, with educational institutions, hospitals that made a difference, mosques, churches, working class histories, celebrating the diverse make-up of the city. Her first walk was along Greenways Road, in Chennai which was very popular. This encouraged her to plan heritage walks (and sometimes bike-rides!) exploring the histories of Royapuram. Kasimedu, Vannarapettai. These areas from North Chennai have always been ignored as lacking history which she sought to shatter.

“So when I started working along North Madras, It was so fascinating, as the place is like a cultural cauldron with so many different people living a working class life. There was beauty to it that I felt was not being shown enough. So, I focussed on those aspects with my walks and started writing on the side.“

Niveditha Louis on her writing journey

Nivedita Louis describes her foray into writing as a big joke that started on social media. She recalls that during an online debate about purdah, she insisted that it should be the women’s choice and how that led to her getting trolled incessantly on Facebook. Following the incident, she lay low for a few days followed by a post titled “25 ways to manage social media nuisance.” The sharp, witty post went viral and eventually landed in the Kungumam Thozhi, a popular Tamil magazine, her first published piece. This followed by her penning a series documenting her experiences, interactions from her heritage walks in the magazine Aval Vikatan which was well received.

Researching and history seemed to be her natural forte, and she continued with assignments relating to archaeology, history, women and cultures all within Tamilnadu. She built on her interest with learning how to relate Sangam literary texts to archaeological finds. In her writings she simplifies aspects of archaeology in a simple, concise way. Her book From Adichanallur to Keezhadi The Archaeological Tracks of Tamil Nadu (Adichanallur Mudhal Keezhadi Varai), avoids jargon but remains an informative text for anyone interested in history.

Other books like Vada Chennai (வட சென்னை) chronicles the working-class history and the diverse lives, livelihoods of North Chennai residents breaking stereotypes from mainstream narratives. She won the SRM Thamizh Perayam Puthumai Pithan and Tha Mu E Ka Sa K Muthaiah Award for the book.

Nivedita’s writings focus on feminist histories and debate current issues with an intersectional lens. This ethos reflects in her publishing house HER Stories. Last year they published seventy titles, mostly of the non-fiction genre, featuring predominantly women writers.

How Her Stories came to be

HER stories was initially a Facebook page which started during the COVID lockdown period. It was a space about current women issues, achievements which grew organically with many women sharing their views and experiences. In the 2021 Laadli Awards, she received the Jury Special Mention (Tamil social media).

“I am very active on social media and when I started this space, I realised how there was a lack of space when it came to women’s voices. So, I had organised online woman only meet-ups, which helped the community grow, and introduced many new voices who were eager to contribute. This was very encouraging and we decided to make a web page and started featuring series, write-ups by women. Some of our initial contributors included Sharmila Seyyid, Uma Mohan, Dr. Narayani Subramanian and many more new voices. “

The popularity of the page with new perspectives, writings helped her begin the publishing house Her Stories with Vallidasan and Sahana. Their titles like “Dupatta Podunga Thozhi” (Wear your Dupatta friend) have been extremely popular, especially among young girls and helped foster meaningful discussions around feminism.

Being a writer, Nivedita recognises the struggles of a first-time woman writer and helps many articulate their voice with development, content edits as a publisher. She says, “I got the opportunity to write which is still hard for many others, and I want Her Stories to be a space that helps foster new voices, especially from marginalised sections.”

Women and writing

As a writer, she is very vocal about the challenges that are inherent to women when it comes to writing. She shares her experiences researching , Ariyappadatha Christhavam Part 1 & 2 (அறியப்படாத கிறிஸ்தவம் – ஒரு வரலாற்றுத் தேடல் தொகுதி 1 & 2 பண்பாட்டுக் கட்டுரைகள் during Covid.

“See, it’s a different set of challenges that women face when it comes to fieldwork and research. To start with, a man can pack his bag and leave but I as a woman have to make arrangements for the house, for the days I am away, plan the travel, detail my activities, I mean as a woman it’s hard to just step out of the house.”

These books are detailed ethnographic studies that examine the social, cultural history of Christianity from the churches, practices and saints from Tamil Nadu.

Her other books Ammakannuvukku Neelanai Pidikkaathu (அம்மாக்கண்ணுவுக்கு நீலனைப் பிடிக்காது), Muthal Penngal & Paathai Amaithavargal (முதல் பெண்கள் & பாதை அமைத்தவர்கள்) reveal nuanced and well-researched cultural / social history often. Following this her latest book, Christhavathil Jaathi (கிறிஸ்தவத்தில் ஜாதி) discusses the topic of caste within Christianity.

The lack of diversity and representation has long been an issue in the business of books. While statistics indicate that women writers, publishers have started to gain momentum, there still remains a huge disparity when viewed with an intersectional lens. In this context it’s important to recognise the personal journey of women writers like Nivedita Louis.

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Why my singleness should not be your problem?

Dear Men, How Does My Staying Single By Choice Become Your Problem?

Posted: April 9, 2024

Tags:single women women's voices

We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?

A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.

We want an equal partnership… which Indian marriages are not!

Let’s examine this a little closer.

We all have at one point in our lives been a huge K-Drama enthusiast. We loved how the men written by women in these dramas challenged the traditional roles in heterosexual relationships. Surprisingly, Korea has been a victim of its patriarchal mindset causing women to embrace singlehood over marriage. The popular 4B Movement and the recent decline in the nation’s fertility rate, have been the effect of women not succumbing to societal norms. Korean women have been showing the government and society that they don’t want to take up additional responsibilities until there is an equal partnership in real terms.

And rightly so, women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. Instead, they need someone for companionship and not just someone to grow old with. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths. This is why women across the globe have become more mindful of whom they partner up with.

Most single women feel secure in themselves… and men don’t like that!

Some men are often intimidated by the ability of a woman to stay secure as a single person. A lot of men don’t find enough emotional support in their circle. On top of that they are in a cutthroat competition with their peers. They feel secure when they are part of the pack. Being part of a pack means, abiding by the societal norms that favor them. This is why some insecure men target single women in a way to feel good about themselves. It’s the projection of their insecurities that causes them to tell us, “Hurry up! Your biological clock is ticking!!!”

I believe just like sexuality, partnering up, having kids, types of relationships a person wants to pursue are all about an individual’s choice and so we should let it be that way. Each individual understands how they are and what works best for them. It shouldn’t be any other problem or cause of worry. Single or not, men and women, should be allowed to be and do what they want to do. We are all here to live a life that best suits our needs and serves our purpose. Let’s help each other to thrive in the best way possible and not make others’ lives miserable by asking questions that serve no purpose.

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Why Rape Is Used As A Weapon Of War

Posted: April 8, 2024

Tags:rape violence against women

Trigger Warning: This speaks of rape and violence against women, and may be triggering to survivors.

Multiple conflicts are going on all over the world at present. Besides various historical and political justifications, violation of human rights is the biggest issue that is often being overlooked. It majorly and severely affects those who are the innocent, poor and helpless.

There is no ethnic or territorial issue more important than that of people’s lives. And as for the issues of war victims, women and children have remained the worst sufferers at all times. Men are believed to be the one engaging in warfare and hence, the ones left behind, i.e., women and their children are considered powerless and therefore, they can be used as victims to take revenge upon the enemy group.

Rape has been a weapon of war since ancient times

Women’s reproductive rights are often violated by soldiers and military groups. Besides sexual desire, there is a major ground for doing this. They forcefully engage in sexual activities and impregnate women to justify their superiority over not only them but their entire community.

Rape has also been used as a mechanism of ethnic cleansing as it would give birth to babies with the genes of those men that they consider superior. To be more horrific, often rape led to several women contact HIV that becomes a life-threatening thing for them that caused death.

In this entire process, a woman is seen not as an individual but as an object.

Ethnic cleansing, psychological warfare

Raping a woman directly affects the entire community or society in which they belong to because it is related to honour. Many of these women are not accepted in the society because it is considered shameful or disgraceful. Often, family members kill a girl who is raped or marry her off to her rapist in order to preserve family prestige.

Therefore, rape is a form of psychological warfare that is used to terrorise the entire population. Besides rape, war and refugee situation also leads to miscarriages and forceful abortions leading to increase in infant and maternal mortality rate. Sexual slavery, forced prostitution and genital mutilation has also been practiced to showcase the ugliest nature of war and refugee.

Can the International community do anything about it?

International Humanitarian Laws have definitely brought up the issue but no where it is seen to be followed.

Both the world wars saw sexual exploitation as a major form of revenge. Partition of India, Bangladesh Liberation war etc. are the examples from Indian context where large scale sexual violence was witnessed.

Long back, in 1993, the United Nations Commission on Human Rights declared systematic rape as a crime against humanity. But till today, in all the conflicts going on in the entire globe, including Russia-Ukraine, Israel-Palestine etc. rape is still seen as a full-fledged weapon of warfare. Hence, it is a silenced crime that will have terrible long lasting effects on the entire mankind.

Image source: pixabay

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‘Unequal: Why India Lags Behind Its Neighbours’ Throws Light on Bihar’s Plight

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Tags:rape violence against women

Published in 2023, Swati Narayan’s book ‘Unequal: Why India Lags Behind Its Neighbours’ is an interesting read that is both engrossing and enlightening. It compares India’s Bihar with neighboring geographically contiguous countries, Bangladesh and Nepal, because of their similarity in history, geography, culture and average incomes. It also analyzes India’s southern states of Tamil Nadu and Kerala and India’s south-east neighbor Sri Lanka. In this post, I will focus on the insights I gained from the book.

I would begin by sharing how the book helped me understand the state of Bihar better. Bihar, the author finds, suffers from a lot of issues on various fronts. As per the findings, government schools, hospitals, transport and other public services were found to be severely neglected. On the public healthcare front, shut anganwadis, faraway and often shut health facilities, insufficient medicines with doorstep health workers, delays in salary payments to anganwadi workers, lack of subsidies to construct toilets and no money for anganwadi meals meant that the poorest suffered the most. When it came to education and schools, the issues of lacking basic infrastructure including toilets, student and teacher absenteeism, textbook arrival delays, corporal punishment, girls cleaning boys’ toilets, only girls sweeping school premises, children sitting on classroom floors and dismissive teacher behavior were still observed. When it comes to women, widespread illiteracy and rampant domestic violence still affect Bihar. Other than that, low average income, poverty, caste divisions and discrimination, lack of irrigation and agricultural worker landlessness plague the state.

The author talks about the hardships faced specifically by the marginalized communities living in Bihar whose size of population is by no means trivial. She talks about extreme poverty, neglected hamlets, landlessness, discrimination in school so bad that children remain at home, food not being served to children in anganwadis, the sexist and casteist Dola Pratha ritual and underrepresentation of women in positions of power.

The author (also) points out what Bangladesh got right. She praises their doorstep delivery of welfare services, the high levels of commitment of politicians to social good, the contribution of innovative and apolitical NGOs and the very interesting and heartening fact that most women there don’t eat after their husbands as a cultural norm. She highlights how landlessness among rural households in Bangladesh stood at only 8% in 2019.

Nepal is also acknowledged by the author for its performance in a lot of respects. From almost every Nepali household having a toilet in 2017 to most elderly in the nation receiving a pension, there’s surely a lot to learn from this neighbor. The author also praises their innovation of village toilets that use animal and human waste to produce biogas to use as cooking fuel as a cheap and sustainable energy source. She notes that the marginalized communities there are way ahead of their counterparts in India when it comes to breaking free from the shackles of caste-based barriers. Interestingly, Nepali women head 1 in every 3 households and that speaks volumes about women’s place in Nepali society.

In spite of Nepal and Bangladesh both being poorer than India, their accomplishments and effective execution are commendable, the author notes.

Sri Lanka, another of India’s neighbors, also got several things right, the author reports. Whether it is their free education and healthcare or a bigger proportion of GDP being spent on education, healthcare and nutrition, the author is all praises for the nation’s efforts and results.

Nepal, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka all, reportedly, have higher investments in public services and social movements and their aforementioned success can, to a degree, be attributed to these very factors.

The idea, clearly, is not just to highlight the places where there is still an immense need for real development, but also to applaud the efforts and successes of the Indian states that have been able to achieve success in the matter. The states of Tamil Nadu and Kerala, the author writes, are role models. She points out Kerala’s success, whether it is in their public distribution system for food security, their Kudumbashree women’s groups that include women of all castes and religions or their anaganwadi workers’ commitment. The importance of anti-caste social justice movements and investments in public services in shaping a brighter future in both Kerala and Tamil Nadu has been highlighted. She also mentions how West Bengal of India does much better in terms of human development indicators compared to other states and neighbors in the region.

There is, however, as obvious as it may sound, a need to invest in schools, teachers and textbooks alike, because education can be used as a great (and proven-to-work) tool to reduce societal inequalities. An attitude shift, most of all, is the need of the hour along with the understanding (based on several examples cited) that the lives of common people can be improved irrespective of the condition of the economy and economic growth.

The author holds an optimistic view about the future of all of India’s states and I couldn’t agree more. I always wanted to read a book that focused on the issues that plague Bihar to this day hindering its progress and getting in the way of the rights of Bihar’s women, and I am immensely grateful to the author for writing this amazing book. All in all, I would highly recommend this very insightful book.

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‘Sirf 3 Behene Ho, Bhai Nahi Hai?!’ Breaking Stereotypes In A Sisterhood

Posted: April 5, 2024

Tags:girl child

As a child, growing up in different cities was a wonderful experience. Different cultures, languages, cuisines, festivals were all so great. But one thing was common! Yes of course, the happy and unique memories.

But the ubiquitous question, “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” always surfaced, prompting my consistent response: “We are three sisters!” This declaration left every Sharmaji and pados wali aunty baffled. And a deep sigh and all sympathy for my parents accompany their response: “sirf teen behene ho, bhai nahi hai!” (Only three sisters, no brother!) If I had, wouldn’t I admit to it, why would I lie or hide him?

Year: around 1990 to 2005

In the quaint neighbourhood where I spent my childhood, the echoes of “sirf teen behene, bhai nahi hai!” reverberated through the air like an unending refrain. Growing up with two sisters in a society fixated on the idea of a male heir, our family constantly found itself confronting societal norms and challenging age-old stereotypes. My parents never appear disturbed by the fact that they have three daughters and no sons. However, this fact that they never bothered, bothered society the most.

It wasn’t long before I realized that our household, with its trio of sisters, stood out in stark contrast to the traditional image of the quintessential Indian family eagerly awaiting the arrival of a male child. The notion of having only daughters, without a son, was met with raised eyebrows and whispered discussions amongst the neighbours. The gender obsession prevalent in our society was both baffling and disheartening.

As we navigated school, college, and various social events, we became adept at gracefully fielding questions about our lack of a brother. “Don’t you wish you had a brother?” was a common inquiry, often met with a resounding, “No, we have each other, and that’s more than enough!” Our sisterhood was our source of strength, a bond that provided us with a sense of security and companionship that surpassed the limitations of gender norms.

Year: 2017

Fast forward to the year 2017, where I find myself as a mother of a 5-year-old daughter. And yes! having a career too! Meeting new people still fascinates me. I met people who have so much to ask me. About my job, my daughter, how I manage work and professional life. Then there’s a recurring curiosity regarding when I plan to have a baby boy, especially since my daughter is now 5. Elders still bless me for a male child, emphasizing the perceived importance.

Year: 2020

Reflecting on the evolving societal landscape, there’s a gradual shift in attitudes towards families without male children. The persistent emphasis on having only one child, however, remains a prevailing concern for numerous individuals. Still, in various social gatherings, the prevailing curiosity often centers around the prospect of ‘good news’, a term that, for women, frequently becomes synonymous with the act of conceiving.

However, this societal philosophy dictating the necessity of siblings seems to be particularly directed towards families with single female children. Within the subtle nuances of conversations, there is a discernible ‘male connotation’ that lingers in the unspoken words and expectations.

Year: 2023

My daughter is now 11, and frequently encounters the same line of questioning that often revolves around societal expectations. However, in response, she nonchalantly shrugs off such inquiries and moves on. Witnessing her confident demeanor, I can’t help but smile, feeling a sense of pride as I observe another resilient and self-assured young lady in the making

Well, some things seem resistant to change. Words may have changed but the age-old gender biases continue to shape perception. The enduring expectations and assumptions about the significance of having a male heir persist, showcasing that, despite progress, certain stereotypes persist through the years.

Image source: Photo by Suhyeon Choi on Unsplash

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Parents, Let Your Child Choose Their Career; Don’t Impose Your Dreams On Them!

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Tags:education

As a parent, one should understand that your child and child’s happiness are far more important than any possible ‘ideal career path’ you have chosen or is in your mind. Whether your child wants to be a singer, a teacher, a choreographer, an editor, a writer, a painter, an actor, a videographer, a photographer, a pilot, a potter, a psychologist, a musician, a chef, a designer, a songwriter, a sportsperson, a journalist, a poet, a filmmaker, a researcher, a flight attendant or something else, your responsibility as a parent is to support the dreams of your child.

Parents shouldn’t force their children to do JEE exam preparations or send them to Kota to study if that’s not what a child’s true calling is. Today, there are multiple career aptitude tests available (even online and free). Because a child’s parents couldn’t become engineers or doctors themselves, wanting their child to choose that profession is not right and honestly, cruel too.

Children understand themselves better than you think, if you will only let them!

It is wrong to consider children unwise and not smart or intelligent enough.

No matter your educational and professional success, you need to leave it up to your children to decide in what direction they wish to take their career. This is not to say that a parent shouldn’t give their opinions when asked for or answer children’s questions, but it is to say that parents shouldn’t impose or give unsolicited advice.

Parents should not be affected by the rat race and should teach their children that over-competitiveness is neither healthy nor necessary. Also, what and how many extracurricular activities or co-curricular activities your child wishes to engage in (say, in school or in college) should be allowed to be decided by your child based on factors like personal choices, preferences, interest and liking. Your preferences shouldn’t dictate the course of your child’s academic and professional life.

It’s also necessary for parents to help their child understand that one (or many) bad exam/s, one (or many) bad semester/s, one (or many) bad year/s don’t mean that the world has come to an end and that it doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things. Also, one should only support one’s child if they wish to change or switch careers in the middle of a degree or a job or whenever, because it’s the child’s life, after all, and what the child wishes to do with it is of most importance. Besides, a child wanting to take a break or some time off to think or decide life goals shouldn’t be frowned upon.

So what if your child didn’t quite succeed in the first (or even tenth) attempt?

As Albert Einstein famously said, “I have tried 99 times and have failed, but on the 100th time came success.”

Even if a child doesn’t choose a profession of parents’ liking or preference, it is still the parents’ responsibility to ensure that their child feels secure (financially, emotionally, and otherwise). Bringing a child into the world isn’t the end of the journey; it is, in fact, the beginning. It is parents’ responsibility to help their children to realize their dreams.

One shouldn’t bombard their child with the burden of their own unfulfilled dreams or whatever it is that they want to achieve. In all honesty, if, as a parent, one has some aspirations of their own, then one should find a way of achieving those aspirations (whether it is degree/s or something professionally) ON THEIR OWN. Children are not an investment to give you returns (in terms of money and care in old age).

It’s crucial to spread the word regarding this by spreading awareness among colleagues, peers, domestic help, relatives or anybody you meet. Sometimes, children can actually surprise parents with their preparedness, plans and creative ideas for their future.

Today, the world has a lot more opportunities in a lot of fields and new opportunities are being created with each passing day. Today, children can grow up to be not just job-seekers but also, job creators. Once you provide your child with the support they need, then the sky is the limit.

Image source: Photo by Arun Prakash on Unsplash

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Why Must Men Get Best Pieces, Warm Food…Women Mainly Leftovers?!

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Only the other day while I was carrying a casserole full chapattis from the stove to the dinner table it slipped from my grip, spilling the contents on the floor. As I picked up the rotis and tried to wipe them clean with kitchen tissues my husband fumed, ‘Throw them away; I won’t have any! Do you think I am a house pet?”

Mind you, the floor was pretty clean since all of us walk barefoot indoors. So ultimately I had to eat them myself (it’s sinful to waste food, isn’t it?) after rolling out fresh ones for him and the daughter.

There are more such instances: he grumbles if there is excess salt in a dish or a few extra (whole) green chilies in his portion of curry. Why can’t he discard them on a side plate while eating, I often wonder?

Elsewhere, I remember reading a newspaper report of how a man bashed up his wife because he found the sambar was cold and on top of it not tasty enough! How despicable is that?

In my husband’s case the desire for privilege has been drilled into him (his dad included) by his female relatives lifelong. When my sasumaa and her sister ruled the roost, the two men always got the creamiest portion of anything. On festive days the women made scrumptious daalpuris; the old man was served six, his son about ten, while we women had to remain content with a piece each!

On yet another occasion during family dinner only daal and drumsticks in tangy mustard paste (plus rice of course) were on the menu. Suddenly somebody discovered that the curry was spoilt (due to the heat perhaps), and unfit for human consumption. Thereafter in a flurry of activities, the men ate the daal chawal; we women had none. Can’t eat rice with nothing. Besides, who would cook afresh close to bedtime? That night I went to bed ravenously hungry, as I had eaten nothing since lunch!

That’s considered quite alright as far as Indian mothers and wives are concerned! These occurrences are commonplace in most households, although situations vary. Let me give you more examples.

We Bengalis buy a lot of fish for daily consumption. And as most of you know the ‘fish head’ is a highly coveted commodity when woven into myriad savoury dishes. Naturally, they are earmarked for the males in the family, unless of course any one or more of these gentlemen choose to opt out.

Wait, there is more: in an average Indian (non-vegetarian) home with limited resources and many children, often siblings are known to scramble and spar over who will eat the leg piece or the breast piece from a bowl of yummy chicken curry. Mothers, nine times out of ten, are likely to bestow it upon the boy/s, cajoling the sister/s (if there are any) to give it up “for the brother”!

Trust me I harbour no rancour or bitterness towards menfolk per se, but the subtle discrimination is a tad hurtful. Anyway I may be barking up a wrong tree… I doubt if such women are listening…

Image source: YouTube/ short film Ghar ki Murgi

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Dear Society, You Owe Us Period Leave. Here’s Why – And How!

Posted: April 4, 2024

Tags:education

Not too long ago, the issue of period leave was being discussed by our politicians. While, in today’s world, everyone is sympathetic, the idea rarely seems feasible.

Women worry that institutions and organizations will be less likely to hire them, if period leave is mandated by the government.

I have been blessed with relatively benign periods. As a result, in my teenage years, I never understood what the fuss was about. It’s normal right, so what’s the big deal? No need to be wimpy and give into the societal stereotype that women are weak, I used to quip.

Well, I learned that periods are not easy for everyone. Period pain can be debilitating for many. Dysmenorrhea affects a significant percentage of girls and women in India. While in some cases the underlying cause can be identified and either treated or managed, in other cases there is no clear cause. Primary dysmenorrhea which has no known underlying cause, can significantly impact quality of life and result in absenteeism from school and work. Painkillers like paracetamol don’t work for everyone.

So what then?

It’s a Part of Life

Many argue that it’s just a part of life, and that women should grin and bear it.

Yes, life indeed! And where does that come from? Women bear a lion’s share of the cost of procreation. From creating a new home for a baby every month for decades, to housing each baby for three quarters of a year, whilst enduring morning sickness and various other forms of discomfort, culminating in several hours of intense labor pains, most women divert considerable time, energy and effort towards procreation.

This, even without considering the various period and pregnancy related complications like endometriosis, PCOS, PID, gestational diabetes, pre-clampsia, post-partum depression etc.

But instead of being compensated for their asymmetric contribution towards perpetuating the species, women are often punished for it. In addition to societal bias and prejudice, even from a practical point of view, having to provide maternity leave makes companies reluctant to hire women.

Financial Feasibility

It is costly for startups and small and medium businesses to provide paid maternity leave. And now we are asking for period leave! Is that even feasible? Won’t companies become even less likely to hire women causing more women to lose out on career opportunities in the process?

But why should women lose out? Why do solutions towards such problems always have to come from women compromising. Women do plenty for procreation. But what does society as a whole do to compensate women?

It is not reasonable to expect businesses to bear the cost of maternity leave, period leave, etc, when they do not gain anything from it. That would inevitably lead to discrimination in hiring practices.

On the other hand, human society owes women for their extensive contribution to perpetuating the species. So, society as a whole should compensate women.

In case your wondering how this bizarre idea could be implemented, let me explain. We are already charged an education tax by the government to subsidize education because we believe it is important to provide equal opportunities and quality education for all children. True in practice, this is not yet implemented as well as one would hope, we are working towards it and someday we might actually get there.

So why not do the same for women? Since businesses can’t afford paid maternity or period leave the government an pay them to offer it.

Win-win

Just like the education tax, the government can charge a small procreation tax. This amount can be used to pay out claims by small businesses or companies that file appropriate paperwork for expenses incurred for paid maternity or period leave.

This way it is society as a whole (women of child bearing age, say 18 to 45, could be exempted from paying this tax) that contributes to bearing the burden of procreation, just as it should be. Then women can procreate without worrying about losing career opportunities.

Additionally, work from home and other simple inexpensive flexibilities can be provided to retain women of child bearing age in the workforce.

Happier, less stressed women will contribute to a productive and diverse workforce.

Misuse

Is there a potential for misuse? As with anything else, there always is. But regulating period and maternity leave, setting clear and reasonable limits, and offering flexibility in the implementation of these conveniences, can limit the scope of misuse.

For example women can be offered say ten annual days of period leave so they judiciously use it only when they really need it. Some women have one day of intense pain and can take a day off for every period. Others get it at a particular time of day. So perhaps offering the options of one day that can be taken as two half days would benefit some women. Some other women have only a couple of painful periods a year, with each lasting a few days, so they might want to clump up their period leave.

Never being pregnant is one of the risk factors for dysmenorrhea. Yet many women are delaying pregnancy to get further in their career. So perhaps, period leave could be offered to those who have taken less than two stints of maternity leave.

Where There’s a Will …

Regulations can be discussed and ideas can be proposed to limit misuse and address various problems, but we as a society must recognize the contribution women make to procreation, and be willing compensate them accordingly by accommodating their reproductive system related medical concerns in the workplace.

We can start small, perhaps, by allowing women to swap period leave with other holidays and weekends. If the job permits, the work from home option can be made available. In many cases, just an hour long afternoon nap can make a world of difference. Small efforts to alleviate period related discomfort would go a long way towards making women more confident, comfortable and productive in the workplace, in addition to sensitizing society to the difficulties women face during periods.

Declining Population

As societies develop and standard of living improves, the birthrate typically falls. One of the reasons, is that women find parenthood detrimental to advancing their career.

However, population is one of the nation’s greatest resources, and while with the looming climate crisis, a declining population has some advantages, if the decline continues over time, it can become a liability.

The replacement fertility rate to maintain a steady population is about 2.1 children per woman. India, on average, has already fallen below this since 2020, and the trend indicates that the fertility rate will continue to fall.

Many European countries over the last half century have thrived in spite of their fertility rate being below replacement rate. So is this really a problem?

The answer is yes. While some countries haven’t experienced problems in spite of declining fertility rates well below replacement rate, their population has been replenished through immigration, keeping them stable.

But what happens as the global fertility rate falls below replacement rate? Perhaps a shrinking population may help us weather the storm of climate change, in the long run it can prove to be quite harmful, leading to various economic and social problems.

One obvious solution to stem the rate of population decline is to improve working conditions for women so their reproductive health concerns do not diminish their chances for a successful career.

Bottom Line

It is in the mutual interest of women and human society as a whole, that women be made comfortable in the workplace. So, instead of making excuses about why improving work place conditions for women may be difficult, let’s put our heads together and look for solutions.

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A Cake, A Gathering, and the Power of Connection

Vidya Balan Shuts Body Shamers - Vidya Balan Interview On Being Body Positive

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Neena’s Confidante

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A Conversation With Author & Publisher Niveditha Louis

From working in railways to curating heritage walks

Niveditha Louis on her writing journey

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Dear Men, How Does My Staying Single By Choice Become Your Problem?

We want an equal partnership… which Indian marriages are not!

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Why Rape Is Used As A Weapon Of War

Rape has been a weapon of war since ancient times

Ethnic cleansing, psychological warfare

Can the International community do anything about it?

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‘Unequal: Why India Lags Behind Its Neighbours’ Throws Light on Bihar’s Plight

Vidya Balan Shuts Body Shamers - Vidya Balan Interview On Being Body Positive

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‘Sirf 3 Behene Ho, Bhai Nahi Hai?!’ Breaking Stereotypes In A Sisterhood

Year: around 1990 to 2005

Year: 2017

Year: 2020

Year: 2023

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Parents, Let Your Child Choose Their Career; Don’t Impose Your Dreams On Them!

Children understand themselves better than you think, if you will only let them!

So what if your child didn’t quite succeed in the first (or even tenth) attempt?

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Vidya Balan Shuts Body Shamers - Vidya Balan Interview On Being Body Positive

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Why Must Men Get Best Pieces, Warm Food…Women Mainly Leftovers?!

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Vidya Balan Shuts Body Shamers - Vidya Balan Interview On Being Body Positive

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Dear Society, You Owe Us Period Leave. Here’s Why – And How!

It’s a Part of Life

Financial Feasibility

Win-win

Misuse

Where There’s a Will …

Declining Population

Bottom Line

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Vidya Balan Shuts Body Shamers - Vidya Balan Interview On Being Body Positive

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