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When a woman is (possibly) rejected in arranged marriage, what should she do about her bruised feelings? Expert answer to these and other reader queries.
Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues.
About 2 months ago, I had a meeting with a guy for an arranged marriage. At the time of the conversation, he was taking an interest in me but we sat together less than 5 minutes as he said that my relatives are looking at us and so we should go. The mediator told that it is a ‘yes’ from their end and they will answer you in 1 or 2 days but till now then they have not said Yes, or No.
Should I message the guy on Facebook to know the reason for rejection? I belong to a narrow-minded family and my parents have also not called them and asked for the reason. I don’t want any issues if I ask the guy for the reason, but I really want to know since this is the first time I met a guy for marriage.
I think I am a burden to my family. My parents and my brother always scold me for little things, such as if I post any thing on FB or my DP on Whatsapp or my clothes…
Thanks for sharing your issues with us.
You know dear, every person is an individual in their own right and are responsible for maintaining their own dignity. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
You should not feel disheartened that some guy has rejected you. Maybe he did not deserve you. And you certainly deserve an understanding person as your spouse and one day you will get him too. Keep saying these positive things to yourself and you will feel good definitely and discover that elusive confidence in your competencies too.
There is no reason to contact him via Facebook or in any way. Why should you?
The loss is theirs, not yours. Remain positive at all times. Immerse yourself in your work and emerge a winner. You have not mentioned whether you are working or a students, but whatever you are doing, do it with a will. Enjoy while doing your work. This way you will be much appreciated also and you will also feel confident of yourself.
If your parents or your brother scold you on issues like posting anything on FB etc, then please do not take things to heart. They just want to keep their ‘image’ clean as per their perception, which you cannot change. So do not think that they do not love you or that you are a burden on them. No, please, never indulge in negative thinking. You can become a star for them and yourself by being true to yourself, by self grooming your confidence, competence and enhancing one’s self esteem oneself, thus.
And yes, its good that you approached a counselor to share your issues with. When we are able to develop confidence in ourselves to be able to share our inner feelings with someone, a neutral confidante, it helps in self growth.
Good luck to you.
– Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds
I am currently a housewife and have a three year old child.My husband is an IT engineer, we have been married since 5 and a half years. Our relationship is now on good terms, I can say.
Before my son was born, I was a working woman and at that time my MIL and I had issues between us. My sisters in law interfered in our lives and used very bad words. They called up my cousin sister and complained to her. Even she started screaming at me. Of course it was not 100% my fault, it was 50/50.
All of them brainwashed my husband and he changed a lot.Our relationship was not going well at that time and I went into depression. My BP rose high many times. I had to go to the doctor and I also met many counsellors. ByGod’s grace, I am good now.
But I still have negative thoughts about my health, i.e what if I get depressed again…
My SIL lives nearby and often comes home and tries to interfere in our lives. And I become very negative again. I feel that this can affect my marriage and me.
I am not able to balance myself between in-laws…please suggest what I could do.
Thanks, dear, for sharing your thoughts with us.
And good that you did so. You have come to the right place too. Giving vent to one’s feelings is very important. Otherwise, they will remain immersed in one’s mind , keeps on boiling / raging inside, till it erupts like a volcano.
Remember, dear, one may be having any kind of feelings for one’s in-laws but it’s time to introspect too. Why is it that your MIL gets upsets with you? What are those issues? If as you say, your mistake is 50 percent, then try to rectify your side of 50 percent. You will never feel guilty then, ever. Let them take care of their share of 50 percent of the relationship.
And just as you being an individual, are entitled to your own thoughts and opinions, similarly they also have an equal right. Just respect this as their right.
Silence is golden. Do not think that I am telling you to “tolerate” injustice, I am only telling you to try to keep your mouth shut at their obvious intolerant behavior which you may not be able to change. Gradually, your husband will realize that you do not trouble him for “their” issues; rather it is they who keeps on rattling with their issues. He may be brainwashed for some time, but not all the time.
If you are happy from within, then your own relationship with your husband will certainly improve which your son will also be able to ‘feel”. Your home will become more harmonious and vibrant and you will able to enjoy qualitative time with your son.
Dwell on these thoughts. Replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones. Stop self pitying yourself. Concentrate on the enjoyable things you can do with your son, today. This will bring enthusiasm and vibrancy in your approach towards your issues and you will see that slowly your happiness would have surpassed your problems.
God bless and good luck.
– Amita Puri, Psychologist, Healtheminds
HealthEminds provides a platform for online video consultation with psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, life coaches and nutritionists. With a panel of renowned and certified psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors and nutritionists, HealthEminds is available 24/7 to cater read more...
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For International Day of Elimination of Violence Against Women, let's look at how we 'accept' mothers who avenge violence against their kids, but not wives who fight back.
The silver screen is replete with depictions of male rage and men engaging in violence, but when women engage in violence, even when it is reactionary violence, it doesn’t sit right with us. We allow mothers (as portrayed in Sridevi’s Mom and Raveena Tandon’s Maatr) to avenge their daughters and resort to violence when all else fails, but when the abuser is an intimate partner, the rules appear to be different.
Depictions of female rage on screen garner mixed reactions. We root for protagonists and films we agree with like Mom or Maatr, but there are also films like Darlings which drew flak for its depictions of reactionary violence.
This begs the question, which women on screen are allowed to fight back and why do we root for some of these characters while refusing to see where others come from?
This Generation To Generation Violence towards A Daughter-in-law Needs To Stop!
It is ironic how women in the same home do not think twice before harassing a woman who left her parents and family behind to live with her husband.
“My daughter needs a husband who listens to her. He should leave his family to stay with her after marriage. He should be well-off and not let her do chores.”
“I also need an obedient daughter-in-law, who will be an unpaid servant and a punching bag who shouldn’t have a life of her own.”
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