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We have relationship problems and my husband was abusive during my first pregnancy. So this Father’s Day I have decided not to have another child with him.
Yes you heard it right! I don’t want a second baby. I am done with kids and pregnancy. I am sorry my dear daughter I can’t give you a sibling to share and play with.
I have taken this decision after a lot of thinking. But I LOVE kids. It’s not because I can’t handle them or I am not a good mom. It’s because of my dear husband who is a good son, good brother, good father, but can’t be a good husband.
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During my first unplanned pregnancy, he wanted me to abort the child as our relationship was very delicate and had lots of misunderstandings and fights. I had to agree with his decision because it is ultimately he who is the bread-winner of the family.
I was frightened and anxious – what will happen if I abort this child and will plan for kid after few years but what if due to this abortion I may not be able to conceive again? “People will call me different names. Will you support me in that case?” I asked. He said YES. It was only then that I agreed.
He took the doctor’s appointment, fixed the D&C the next day. My parents tried to speak to him about not taking the decision but he was firm.
That night his mom emotionally blackmailed him saying – whatever difficulties you have in life, I will take VRS and take care of the baby, etc. She does not know much about our fights and disturbances in relationship. He being a mama’s boy, didn’t want her to get upset and cancelled the appointment.
That night he came to room and said, “let’s continue with this pregnancy. It’s best for all of us.” Here ‘us’ is his family. I did not realize that. I was just happy that I was going to be a MOTHER.
During the first tremister, I had the usual morning sickness. We happened to go on a road trip on a pilgrimage for a day. I was ok during the whole trip, though I was weak. We came back home late at night. After I reached home I had severe vomiting.
He said, “Until now you were ok! But now you are vomiting! Why are you getting vomiting now?” I was speechless! I didn’t have any energy to counter him with an answer. Just slept without a word.
In the next 15 days we had another train trip, he asked me would you come? I said yes. As the DIL I did not have the option to say no. Tickets got booked. I had severe vomiting – couldn’t bear any smell, was not able to eat much.
At my doctor appointment as usual, I told the doctor about my sickness. She said it’s normal during pregnancy. Casually asked her whether I can go on a train trip. She said NO UNLESS ITS COMPULSORY. This was in front of my husband. He was angry at me because I asked the doctor, and didn’t speak to me for next 1o days. I stayed at my Mom’s place during their trip.
After this as usual we patched up but I had to do all the effort to make him talk. One month passed and it was my time for baby shower. I told him before that “this is my baby shower and I want to be happy with it. Please for god’s sake don’t spoil this event of mine by saying you guys didn’t do this properly that properly.” (The baby shower is done by my Mom at the in-laws’ place)
This was because I was fed up with their demands during our marriage and this was one of the reason our relationship is delicate. He was OK with it and spoke to his mom regarding all this. After a little drama, she agreed, but with lot of attitude.
The baby shower was the first and last event which I enjoyed thoroughly till date, as a married woman.
In the next 15 days his parents went on a vacation and I was very happy as I was getting time to spend with my hubby alone. But he was very moody… OK for a couple of days, but later he would become mad for no reason. He would not eat what I cooked, would never answer me why! He would come home late with no reason.
I was fed up! Exhausted! I left to go to my parents’ place, but came back before my in laws came so that the problem would not exaggerate. Till date he hasn’t told me why he was like this during that period!
My MIL was suffering from fever one day, so I had to do all the house work from cooking to pooja. I did my work perfectly. Just that I didn’t arrange the utensils after the maid washed them. I took a nap in the afternoon.
By the time I got up my MIL who was feeling much better, arranged them. I don’t know how he got this news that she arranged the vessels, but he stopped talking to me that night. I didn’t even know the reason then. I begged him to tell me, and he tells this! “What type of DIL are you, who will make a sick MIL clear the utensils?”
I was shocked. I had not told her to do that. He just started blaming me for no fault of mine. I cried and cried – I was feeling very weak, and I didn’t want to live. This guy never understood me in all these days. He was not at all sensitive towards my pregnancy.
I wanted to end my life. I went to the bathroom and was beating my belly. I didn’t want my baby to come out in this bad world. I was about to attempt suicide in depression but didn’t I don’t know why I wanted to wait for one day.
I searched online about depression, dealing with ego of the husband, etc. I discovered a women’s site and posted my problem there. I got lot of support from women all over the world. To live not for him but for the baby.
I followed them, became more strong we didn’t speak for the next two months. I was all alone in my pregnancy. Last day before going to my home for delivery he realizes and says sorry. As a wife I forgave him and went to my parents home.
I delivered a beautiful girl in 15 days. But problems started again. The same silly issues due to outsiders. Neither could I have the liberty of enjoying my daughter’s cradle ceremony nor 1st birthday. It was all their domination, bossiness, attitude.
It’s been 3 years since my daughter was born and still when we have fight he doesn’t talk to me for months. It’s me who have to take all effort .
I am not saying I am the best, but I am not bad too. If he as a husband tries to demotivate me for each and everything I will of course get angry!
I thought these 5 years of marriage will change him a little, but nothing has changed. It’s his male ego, attitude, psychic behavior – the mental torture still continues. Unfortunately I do not have any proof that I am mentally tortured. Already my daughter is suffering indirectly from all the trauma right from the day she was in my womb till date.
After a lot of thinking I decided now (it was Father’s Day the 19 June 2016) that I don’t want another baby, because the damage is done and it’s beyond repair. Sorry dear daughter for not able to give you your partner in crime… your sibling! As your father didn’t care about you when you were in my womb! He never touched my belly or felt you kick!
If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call.
Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669
Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050
Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704
Sahai, Bangalore: 080 – 25497777
Image source: sad woman with daughter by Shutterstock.
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Marriage and parenting are partnerships that have rights and responsibilities assigned to both partners. It is a wrong and unfair notion that only one needs to contribute and only in certain areas. Every single area requires co-operation and support of both for it to be a meaningful and successful partnership. Certainly irresponsible behaviour in the manner of lack of co-operation/support and emotional, verbal and physical abuse are a failure on the part of the defaulter. Partnerships which are toxic and useless should be terminated. The defaulter should be forced to pay a price too for not abiding by the requirements of the partnership.
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