Dear Amma, I Need To Talk About The Place Of Marriage And Sexual Desire In Our Lives

An open letter by a young woman to her mother, speaking about marriage and sexual desire, and how the two are intertwined, yes, even for women!

Dear Amma,

Let’s have the marriage talk. You have asked me so many times why I don’t want to get married.

Sometimes it’s about the patriarchy and other times it’s about how being someone’s ‘wife’ makes me uncomfortable. I have given many excuses and even whispered in your ears, “Amma, am I going to lose ambition after I find a man?”

But there is one more thing– an apprehension that only grows so deep, almost directly proportional to my sexual appetite. Yes, you read that right. You don’t need new glasses.

What if I get bored of this man, or my husband as we would call him… in bed?

You are angry and thinking you raised a pervert but wait… I am going to ask this anyway.

What if sex is routine in a monogamous relationship? This is not a statement, just a question.

What if the sex gets dreary? You know how these cheap websites publish silly articles like “76% of Indian women fake orgasms!”? What if I become a contributor to that number?

When people talk about this, they either intellectualize it or throw in biological facts without addressing feelings. These are the frivolous articles like “Marriage reduces libido” or “Monogamy as a way to healthy sex!”

Who are these people giving the answers while we are still so shy to even ask the questions?

I met Latha aunty.“Did you know that the Mehta girl is cheating on her husband? And that too, it is someone she works with!” she said.

I gasped, “How can she risk her work and marriage and entire life? The sex must be so good!”

She never spoke to me again.

“Marriage is not all about the sex” – I bet you are dying to tell me this.

I KNOW. But what if I love sex and it is important for me?

The kind of guilty, butterfly in your stomach, fast heart-beat physical intimacy and push me against the wall kind of sex that only lasts the first few years. Conservative estimate so as to not shock you.

Why do people immediately find the need to sprinkle holy water on this thought and give me lectures? And their analogies. If you go to a shop and keep wanting a better saree, you will keep shopping for the rest of your life.

Shallow. Shallow. Shallow. I can almost hear you all chant, but, would it be shallow if I weighed my options before settling down just for my happiness instead of anyone’s approval?

What about the days I don’t want sex? Like when I want anything except even let the little finger of a man brush against my skin. I have a lot of those days. Wouldn’t he suffer?

We are not animals to always want it and not understand these things. Isn’t that what you are thinking? The simplest answer is, we are animals Ma! What if my husband and I had super varying sex drives that got activated at different times?

You remember when Appa had an affair? Sorry, I bring this up but we have learnt to speak about it without emotions.

We spoke of his affairs, his pursuits, the women he slept with. We spoke of his desires, his sins and how he shattered loyalty and this marriage. Not once did we speak about you.

We never spoke about your desires or what you want. I never asked you if you wished for sex outside that marriage. I never asked you if it was hard giving up physical intimacy once and for all.

Was it, Amma?

I am sorry I never asked you if your desire and lust was met and whether the lack of both shattered you – but I would never forgive myself if I didn’t ask myself these questions.

So tell me Amma, does it make me shallow that I want to think long and hard about whether or not I should give my body and mind to just ONE person? Loyalty is not so cheap to make such fast decisions, right?

P.S – If this has got you to think about desires, I know sure shot way to orgasms. Don’t frown Amma. It doesn’t involve men. Just a hand shower and the willingness to mastrubate.

Lots Of Love,
N

Image source: pixabay

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Nandhitha Hariharan is a writer with a love for anything that is pretty or covered

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