Don’t Ignore The Red Flags: Ending My Abusive Relationship Was Tiring

His eye caught me, and he somehow managed to get my phone number from one of my colleagues, whom I despise the most now. Anyway, he drunk-dialled me one night.

It was the year 2012, when I took admission in some course, and I met him. He used to roam around in the college campus area in his white Scorpio, and the number of that Scorpio was exclusive to be noted.

His eye caught me, and he somehow managed to get my phone number from one of my colleagues, whom I despise the most now. Anyway, he drunk-dialled me one night.

I still remember, I was doing the laundry, and he called my name and said is that you; I said, “Yes, speaking.”

Then he informed that he wants me to participate in the college elections. I said I’m of no good to you and I don’t know a thing about politics, but he insisted and continued, “No, you’re the most suitable candidate for the campaign and I want you on my team.”

The first red flag: lying

I asked him, “Are you drunk?”, to which he replied, “No, I don’t drink.” Though I knew it, that he was totally drunk.

That deceit was the first red flag I shouldn’t have ignored in the first place.

At that moment I was lonely in my life to be noted, not only alone but also lonely, so I was intrigued by him, he asked me to meet him and I said yes. Why not?

He came on time on the appointed day, the only day in his life when he was punctual. He offered me a ride, and I took it, we chatted for a couple of hours, he asked my hobbies and interests, I told him all about myself.

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I used to be an extrovert in those days, now that I’m am not because time has taught me many things. 

Likewise, he told me very less about himself, mostly he listened. I think we struck the right cord back then, for few days or months things went on a good pace, everything was flowery, sunshine and unicorn.

It was like a calm before the storm, then one day it was like a thunder lighting has struck and all the things went haywire. I got to know that he was married, like literally a newly-wed man, and that too only 15 days prior to when he saw me in the college.

It was like how the saying went— zameen nikal gayi thi mere pairon ke neeche se. I lost my senses.

The second red flag: manipulation

I stood there in horror in my classroom, when one of my colleagues broke this news to me, I confronted him.

And I asked, “Is there anything that you haven’t told me yet?”

He said, “Yes.”

I asked, “What is it?”

He said, “I’m married …..”

I was about to disconnect, then he said, “Wait it’s true that I’m married, but it was against my wish.”

He somehow allured me to believe the fact, or may be because I wanted to believe it.

This was the second red flag I shouldn’t have ignored. 

Somehow he consoled me and made me understand his situation and he even said that he would divorce his wife, which eventually was about to happen, but before it could have happened, his wife filed a case against him accusing him of dowry which I believe is not true till date.

He was in a fix then, a lot of things happened then, his mother passed away, he was all alone by himself, so he asked me not to leave him, it was an emotional moment and I couldn’t leave him.

Which I should have done.

The third flag: mismatched relationship goals

When all of this was over, I asked him whether he was going to file for divorce or not, he said his advocate has suggested him otherwise.

Then I asked him what do you think about it, he said he’ll do what his advocate has asked him to do. I was shattered because again I was denied the chance to be happy because he wouldn’t just let me go, and I was in a fix too back then.

This was the third red flag I shouldn’t have ignored.

The fourth red flag: verbal abuse

Few years passed everything was fine, but one day he was drunk, and he raised his hand on me.

The reason being, there was something I told him about my past in the beginning of our relationship which bothered him now, after all these years.

Then, when he was sober, he felt guilty about it and apologized for it. I forgave him, which I shouldn’t have done.

This was the fourth red flag I shouldn’t have ignored. 

These instances kept on repeating, and I forgave him all the time because I loved him with all my might and because he told me that I’m the most important woman in his life after his mother.

And since his mother is no more, so I am the only one left for him, and I believed him until one day.

The fifth red flag: physical abuse

Now, it was year 2017, I was pursuing another degree from university and I met new people there, I made few friends. I used to tell him everything about how my day went who said what, may be that also I shouldn’t have done.

He used to get irked by everything I have to share about my university— classes, professors and colleagues.

Initially I didn’t get it, until one day while he was drunk he said to me, “tu tou wahan laundabaazi karne jaati hai,“You go there [university] to flirt with men.”

And I was shaken to my core after hearing this because it was my bad that I was in a relationship with:

  •  A married guy.
  •  Who doesn’t know how to respect women!
  •  He wouldn’t just let me go.
  •  I loved him so much that I couldn’t leave him myself. I was weak to him.

I was not mentally strong back then, but after what happened that night made me a bit stronger. He beat me to the core that night. He abused be on the pretext that someone liked me!

Just on the pretext that someone likes me, and he’s from my class, which is quite common when you spend almost 7-8 hours together I mean the feelings can develop but have to trust your partner.

I was all blue with bruises and marks all over my body, and that night I showed some courage and broke up with him. I didn’t talk to him for a month.

The sixth red flag: anger issues

He apologized for a month daily, texting me, calling me, but I never picked his call. But one day, I was low, and he called me and I said okay I will meet you, when he asked me to meet him.

He literally apologized by sitting on his knees. I forgave him again with the warning, and he took it seriously this time, he never raised a hand on me after that but….

He started using foul language to vent out his anger, which he used earlier also. As I never asked him to stop, may be because where I come from, it’s quite common and okay for women to listen to it and not to react.

Regaining self-respect is a work in progress

But I realized that I cannot take all of that any more, and I have my self-respect.

So to say, I have had my fill and then daily fights became the most common thing, because I wasn’t ready to take that shit any more.

And the worst part was, that I was facing all of this even when I had no right to marry him because he was not divorced yet but was in separation with his wife.

That situation also gave me a lot of mental trauma. I was called by names like, “Ye tou dusri aurat hai, isne ghar tod diya ek bhale aadmi ka,” etc “She is a homewrecker, she broke apart a good man’s family.”

And I was like why always are women responsible for a rift, why not men ?  Why are always women tagged as homewreckers, why not men?

“Bhai aadmi bhi utna hi responsible hai jitni ek aurat,” “Brother, a man is as much responsible as a woman”,  but nobody says a word to a man.

The kind of mental and emotional abuse I was going through is something I can never forget, and I can never be able to explain it in words.

The physical abuse stopped, but mental and emotional abuse was at its height.

Again some red flags I shouldn’t have ignored. 

Three years passed, now it was 2021, just two days before my birthday it all stopped, because I felt that I’m not alive any more, I was dead from the inside.

Breaking away from the toxic relationship is harder than we imagine

I asked him that we should mutually end this relationship like two mature individuals and to my surprise he agreed to it. And it was all over then.

In between I gave him many chance to rectify, to redeem himself, but he just couldn’t.

We even went on a trip to the south of the country on a thought that it might rejuvenate our relationship, but it became the last nail in the coffin.

So here it is my story, I know I have made mistakes in life but what’s a life without mistakes. Though I regret nothing because I choose to believe somehow, it has made me wiser and a better person for sure.

I believe that I took a U-turn, and it became my journey inwards.

But please it’s a shoutout to women out there, don’t fall prey to such traps, maintain your dignity and your self-esteem.  Do not ignore the red flags. That’s all I can say.

P.S he’s still not divorced yet!

Image Source: Still from Kabir Singh Trailer, edited on CanvaPro

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A woman in mid thirties, dealing with mid life crisis with dignity and compassion ... I'm just a common voice behind every woman! read more...

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