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What do we Indian women do for retaining our identity after marriage? Why, for example, are we so prompt to change our names and claim our in laws' place as our hometown?
What do we Indian women do for retaining our identity after marriage? Why, for example, are we so prompt to change our names and claim our in laws’ place as our hometown?
I was invited to the birthday party of my six year old daughter’s classmate this weekend. It was the beginning of the year and like all mommies, I was curious to know who her classmates were. I was also eager to befriend their mothers. At the ‘pump it up’ where the party was held, I went around introducing myself, while the excited kids bounced, leaped and screamed.
“Hi I am Anjali’s mom” I was repeating myself for the 10th time to the 10th mom who like all others seemed very busy looking at her cell. I guess this is the only time the poor moms got to look at their phones and they were not ready to spare even a second. Some of them even looked annoyed as I tried to ‘hello’ them. Oh well, I had a clear intention and was not going to get disheartened. I had resolved to meet all the mothers and planned to create a WhatsApp group with all the willing mommies who agreed to share their contact with me.
In addition to adding their numbers, the curious cat in me wanted to know more about them. So I tried to strike a conversation with each one.
“So where are you from India” I asked mom#1 “We are from Bombay” Came her reply. “Oh did you grow up there?” I was falling prey to my inquiring mind. “No I grew up in Ahmadabad and my parents are still there. My husband’s family lives in Bombay.” “I see”
The sociologist in me was intrigued by this answer and I went on to ask the same set of questions to the other moms. 6 of the 10 desi moms quoted their in-laws place when I asked them the q “Where are you from India?” The rest of the four moms had their husbands from the same town as them. So their answers really didn’t get included in my study.
We were all living in nuclear families in the USA, far away from India. All were educated and independent women.Yet when probed, their in-laws place in India was cited as their own. I went on asking the same question whenever I got a chance, to many other Indian women I met at random places. I extended my study asking the same question to other nationalities too.
“Where in China are you from?” “Where in Canada are you from?” “Where in Poland are you from?”
I diligently noted down the answers. The conclusion was as follows.
We talk about equal rights, about bringing up our sons and daughters differently. We want an India that respects its women. But do we also realize that our daughters learn from us? Our core, our childhood, our hometown, our memories, do we change them to suit our life as a wife, a mother and a daughter-in-law? Do we make sure that we retain our identity after marriage? Do we want our daughters also to do the same?
Our childhood defines us. It lays the foundation for the rest of our lives. The hometown where we were raised, the people with whom we have interacted as a child, the house we grew up in, our relatives, friends all ground us. Do we wipe it all away willingly from the records when we marry? I say ‘from the records’ here as we can never ever willingly wipe it away from our mind. Our mind and memories are quite involuntary, beyond our control.
Some points to ponder:
Let’s celebrate ourselves ladies ! Let’s celebrate our family names, our family property, our ancestry, our existence and by doing so, lets watch our daughters grow up celebrating theirs as well. After all, its none other than us they would be celebrating in our old age !
Published here earlier.
Image source: pxhere
Manju Nambiar hails from the southern state of Kerala, India. A computer engineer by profession, she now works in one of the leading firms in San Jose, California where she lives with her husband and read more...
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What I loved was how there is so much in the movie of the SRK we have known, and also a totally new star. The gestures, the smile, the wit and the charisma are all too familiar, but you also witness a rawness, an edginess.
When a movie that got the entire nation in a twist – for the right and wrong reasons – hits the theatres, there is bound to be noise. From ‘I am going to watch it – first day first show’ to ‘Boycott the movie and make it a flop’, social media has been a furore of posts.
Let me get one thing straight here – I did not watch Pathaan to make a statement or to simply rebel as people would put it. I went to watch it for the sheer pleasure of witnessing my favourite superstar in all his glory being what he is best at being – his magnificent self. Because when it comes to screen presence, he burns it, melts it and then resurrects it as well like no other. Because when it comes to style and passion, he owns it like a boss. Because SRK is, in a way, my last connecting point to the girl that I once was. Though I have evolved into so many more things over the years, I don’t think I am ready to let go of that girl fully yet.
There is no elephant in the room really here because it’s a fact that Bollywood has a lot of cleaning up to do. Calling out on all the problematic aspects of the industry is important and in doing that, maintaining objectivity is also equally imperative. I went for Pathaan for entertainment and got more than I had hoped for. It is a clever, slick, witty, brilliantly packaged action movie that delivers what it promises to. Logic definitely goes flying out of the window at times and some scenes will make you go ‘kuch bhi’ , but the screenplay clearly reminds you that you knew all along what you were in for. The action sequences are lavish and someone like me who is not exactly a fan of this genre was also mind blown.
A new Gallup poll reveals that up to 40% of Indian women are angry compared to 27% of men. This is a change from 29% angry women and 28% angry men 10 years ago, in 2012.
Indian women are praised as ‘susheel’, virtuous and to be emulated when they are obedient, ready to serve others and when they put the wishes of others before their own. However, Indian women no longer seem content to be in the constrictive mould that the patriarchy has fashioned for them. A Gallup poll looked at the issue of women’s anger, their worry, stress, sadness and found that women consistently feel these emotions more than men, particularly in India.
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