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Rani held out her heart with an intense desire to be desired. She romanticized the idea of a “happy ending.”
Trigger Warning: This deals with domestic abuse and may be triggering for survivors.
Rani believed she was an old soul; an earth that melts when it rains. She was natural, boundless, and desired to savour attention like wine. Likewise, she eternally loved everything around her. She was a hopeless romantic, not that she fancied a never-ending duet, but the kind of love that would make her seek the moon for him.
Her deserted mind would be filled by anyone who would bother to give some attention. She held out her heart with an intense desire to be desired. She romanticized the idea of a happy ending, like in the Malika episode of Modern Love Chennai.
But you know reality cannot bless her up to her expected fantasy
She loved someone who wounded her heart many a million times until it shattered, the way it can never be fixed. She can no longer differentiate herself from pain, numb, and wounded in depth. This gradually led her to hate any talks about herself.
She could not even take in any compliments.
Pain changes people diversely. She felt safe within her world, and a massive world out there was totally out of view for her. The dominance of the power of love, maybe the idea of love from our loved ones, can influence us.
Those piercing words and mocking looks are still etched in her memory; she vividly remembers a corny scrutinizing stare from head to toe, questioning her choice of a red body-con dress. Why did she colour her hair without his permission? Or mock her about a few strands of barely visible facial hair. At that moment, she did everything she could to look good for him like Cassie from Euphoria.
She used to cry her eyes out for happy days with him when he stopped talking to her suddenly without any explanation, whenever he was upset about something. Or just because he didn’t have the mood. His mindset was all about his dominance, and she was defenceless.
One day, he raised his bulky arms but stopped before he could hit her and said, “I don’t hit women. If you were a man, you would be bruised badly by now!” He verbally abused her by swearing.
Just like the usual sunny days, these became a casual routine. The point where she thought to normalize this as her life forever. It was as though he attracted drama everywhere he went. In the name of love, which she never felt, she did everything to cling on and exist.
Despite all these, she was delusional. He believed he saw through her the most and understood her feelings even when she failed to understand herself. She placed him on a pedestal like he would do no wrong. She apologized for every fight they had. But not all days, you know we are humans.
Even amidst the delusions, we can be confused for a good reason to bounce back to reality.
Rani did speak up for herself sometimes, but all she got back was more torture. By the end of the day, she crawled back to his legs for forgiveness. She was with him despite several people warning her. He was narcissistic, and she was a people pleaser. Never a match made in heaven, as she wished it would be.
However, with time, she gradually learned her lesson.
But by then, she also realized she had already been gravely damaged. She can never be the same again. She was audacious enough to put herself through therapy and grow, but something inside her will always be missing.
Aren’t we all a little like Rani at times? Caught in the web of others’ expectations and desires in life’s tapestry?
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Image source: CanvaPro
Mirali Borde is an aspiring writer trying to make it in this world. read more...
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UP Boards Topper Prachi Nigam was trolled on social media for her facial hair; our obsession with appearance is harsh on young minds.
Prachi Nigam’s photo has been doing the rounds on social media for the right reasons. Well, scratch that- I wish the above statement were true. This 15-year-old girl should ideally be revelling in her spectacular achievement of scoring a whopping 98.05% and topping her tenth-grade boards. But oddly enough, along with her marks, it’s something else that garners more attention – her facial hair.
While the trolls are driving themselves giddy by mocking this girl who hasn’t even completed her school yet, the ones who are taking her side are going one step ahead – they are sharing her photoshopped pictures, sans the facial hair, looking nothing less than a celebrity with captions saying – “Prachi Nigam, ten years later”.
Doctors have already diagnosed her with PCOD in their comments, based on photographic evidence. While we have names for people shamed for their weight – body shaming, for their skin colour- racism, for their age- age shaming, for being a female- sexism, this category of shaming where one faces criticism for their appearance has no name. With that, it also has zero shame attached to it.
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