If you want to understand how to become better allies to people with disabilities, then join us at Embracing All Abilities: Including People with Disabilities at Work.
I wanted to be loved the way it was shown in movies. But every time I experienced something similar like the female lead; I didn’t love it at all.
Trigger Warning: Self-harm, mental and physical abuse.
What is love? I wondered. Ever since I was a kid, I craved for love.
I looked for it everywhere I went and every time I thought I found something remotely close to it, it withered away like the petals of a rose, only leaving me with thorns that went skin deep, cuts that left scars and calls that left me with tears.
For me, love was something you get from a man, like the movies. I wanted to be loved the way the main leads of movies were loved. But every time I experienced something the female lead loved; I didn’t love it. I didn’t even like it when I should be screaming through the rooftops about how much I loved it.
But why don’t I like the aggressive pushing, forcing and coercing that I should be loving?
There must be something wrong with me.
I must be broken.
I needed to learn how to be normal cause being a woman who loves and expressly talks about finding love and romance is hard enough and adding the fact that I didn’t like the way I got romanced with is only going to get me some harsh criticism about how I am high maintenance and how I should lower my expectations.
So, I lowered my standards and went for guys who didn’t even put in the bare minimum but were ready all the time to put their hands on me and even though I never liked it, I was never brave enough to say no.
I chugged alcohol to cure myself and to be more likeable. I danced to impress the crowd and I dressed to impress, and I talked sexually to make myself more desirable. None of it made me fulfilled. Every single time, a guy told me I needed to change something, I did my best to change it.
And every single change ended up with a scar I gave myself because I wasn’t strong enough to go through the hurdles every woman has to go through to be loved.
But why am I not loved?
Why doesn’t anybody love me?
Every night, I would wonder, why am I not enough? My head would go to places so evil, it would end with a cut on my hand and tears wetting my pillow and a scarring wound on my hand in the morning.
But like an awakening, when the magical stroke of my mom’s hand caressing my hair woke me up one day, I realized I was looking for something I already had!
Here, standing before me, was a woman who loved me unconditionally, who would love me the way I am no matter how I looked or how I behaved. That was love.
I gave her a hug and went out of my room to brush my teeth to meet my sister in the hallway to see her frown at me and push me playfully to realize that she would fall to the ground and cry endlessly if anything were ever to happen to me.
Here, I had two women who would cry for days if they saw the cuts on my hand, endlessly for days. But I was out there begging guys who asked me to cut myself again and told me how my scars and cuts made me look ugly, and the worst part of it was that I believed them.
I believed every single word coming out of their mouth while turning a blind side to all the love I already had, and I was pushing way that love. It made me realize how wrong I was, love comes from people who wish you nothing, the best.
Love comes from people who always are worried and concerned about you, and love comes from people who would kill for you. NOT someone who would make you want to kill yourself. In my case, love was just around the corner, and I was too stubborn to turn and head around and look at it.
I realized I needed to pull myself together and be better for myself and my family. It was not easy. I had to stop drinking, and I had to stop looking for validation from men. I tried and failed numerous times before I could finally become better, and yes, I did like the way the female leads were loved in the movies.
Movies like Seetharamam, Notebook, Bombay and I will hope maybe someday that I will get to experience something like that. But for now, the kind of love I have for myself and the kind of love I get from my family is more than enough for me, and it makes me happier than any of the men in my life ever made me.
Image source: Still from Grey Walaa Shade from Manmarziyaan, Music Video, edited on CanvaPro
If our readers or someone our readers know is self-harming and in an emotionally vulnerable place, please try to seek help from doctors and concerned authorities.
read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!
Rajshri Deshpande, who played the fiery protagonist in Trial by Fire along with Abhay Deol speaks of her journey and her social work.
Rajshri Deshpande as the protagonist in ‘Trial by Fire’, the recent Netflix show has received raving reviews along with the show itself for its sensitive portrayal of the Uphaar Cinema Hall fire tragedy, 1997 and its aftermath.
The limited series is based on the book by the same name written by Neelam and Shekhar Krishnamoorthy, who lost both their children in the tragedy. We got an opportunity to interview Rajshri Deshpande who played Neelam Krishnamoorthy, the woman who has been relentlessly crusading in the court for holding the owners responsible for the sheer negligence.
Rajshri Deshpande is more than an actor. She is also a social warrior, the rare celebrity from the film industry who has also gone back to her roots to give to poverty struck farming villages in her native Marathwada, with her NGO Nabhangan Foundation. Of course a chance to speak with her one on one was a must!
“What is a woman’s job, Ramesh? Taking care of parents-in-law, husband, children, home and things at work—all at the same time? She isn’t God or a superhuman."
The arrays of workstations were occupied by people peering into their computer screens. The clicks of keyboard keys were punctuated by the occasional footsteps moving around to brainstorm or collaborate with colleagues in their cubicles. Most employees went about their tasks without looking at the person seated on either side of their workstation. Meenakshi was one of them.
The thirty-one-year-old marketing manager in a leading eCommerce company in India sat straight in her seat, her eyes on the screen, her fingers punching furiously into the keys. She was in a flow and wanted to finish the report while the thoughts and words were coming effortlessly into her mind.
Natu-Natu. The mellifluous ringtone interrupted her thoughts. She frowned at her mobile phone with half a mind to keep it ringing until she noticed the caller’s name on the screen, making her pick up the phone immediately.
Please enter your email address