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I always felt guilty, whether I worked or quit to be a full time SAHM. Until I realised that I was contributing too, and deserved a guilt free life!
In all these years I was in a constant dilemma to understand: what I am into? I was completely engrossed in motherhood duties which are, of course, never-ending and the most demanding in nature. Never in my life, had I imagined that I would oscillate between my present, past and future. In fact, I never realized that motherhood can be so challenging.
I had a simple perception that mothering a child is all about joy – giggling, cuddling, and hugging. But to my dismay, the real picture turned out entirely different. It was pre-decided and I had no option than to take a break from my career, and take care of my children. On the other hand, I assume myself privileged that I could stand on my decision without overburdening the family’s financial responsibilities.
But that happiness didn’t stay for long. I started wondering – what am I doing at home? I think it’s a very common syndrome when you doubt your own self. There was the time when I had thought that I would never prefer to be financially dependent on anyone. But life always has surprises for you.
I got completely lost in rearing my two children. I’m using this word “lost” because I lost my emotional quotient; I lost the charm of motherhood; I lost the ability to be happy as a mother. I remember someone saying, if you are depressed you just need to have a conversation with children, and it will change your mood. But what about me? I was 24/7 with my children, talking to them all the time. Then why I was not able to come out from that mental state?
It’s not about hands-on parenting, or sharing the work-load, or about sleepless nights. Believe me, I had that leisure. What kind of freedom was I looking at? Why was I not satisfied with the present? During those years I had many ups and downs and now I can realize what went wrong with me. Why I was not satisfied with the ‘motherhood’ job which is the most joyous in nature! I was depressed. It was when I realised this that I rose beyond it and began to learn from my mistakes, and the thought process I had during those years.
When I was working, I wanted to stay at home for a break and enjoy motherhood, when I stepped into motherhood; I wanted to go out of the house. The biggest mistake I did was not enjoying the present. Expectations have no limit and so for everything which is out of your reach, the guilt factor for a woman is ever present.
‘Guilt’ is the most common word amongst all women in all categories. This will never leave you – if you work or if you don’t work, if you stay at home or if you plan to continue working post maternity leave, this will follow you like your shadow. It’s with every woman around, and society can just make it worse. And the saga of never-ending questions which would make you guiltier for every task you do, and automatically you realize that your present is worse!
But when I accepted things as they were and thought – what’s wrong if you stay at home or even work? Why be guilty? You are equally loving to your family and not compromising on your responsibility. Also, being a stay at home mom, why do I need feel guilty of being financially dependent? I also work whole-heartedly. And this is what we decided for ourselves at that point of time, and that helped me feel less miserable.
I got my facts right. The most important thing is to enjoy the present which doesn’t stop you from working for the betterment of everyone. The past is gone and there is no use of thinking of that which is not in your hands. Why should I miss these precious moments by feeling guilty or with only motherhood duties?
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