4 Ways: How To Stop Seeking External Validation

Are you seeking external validation? How to stop seeking external validation? You are not alone, here are 4 ways to break free from the clutches of external validation!

I love to speak with women. And ask some potent questions in between our conversations. One of my favourite questions to ask is, “What patterns are keeping you small and blocking from you standing in your true power?”

And mostly at this question, many women go into deep thought. Many women then answer, “I keep on seeking external validation from my family for all my decisions”.

If you also answered the same after reading the question, first, I want to tell you that you are not alone. We all have sailed in this boat or are still sailing. Where our self-worth and the correctness of our decisions are based on external validation. I have been there too.

And I still sometimes fall into this web.

How to stop seeking external validation?

I thrived on external validation, especially in the age of social media and being a writer. Looking at my posts every other minute to see who has liked, loved or commented. And to base the worth of my writing on the presence or absence of those likes, hearts and comments. It was a time when social media validation dictated my mood.

It has taken a lot of inner work to finally be free from the clutches of external validation. A couple of years of work with a mentor and without a mentor.

And today I wanted to bring my learnings to you because leading a free life in the true sense is everyone’s birthright.

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Why do we seek external validation?

We seek external validation because humans are innately programmed to be in communities and feel one with a community. When we receive validation from this community, we feel seen, heard and acknowledged. And who wouldn’t feel good about that?

However, the problem starts arising when everything that we do is based on this ‘external validation’ and we lose touch with that inner life force of ours that guides us to take the next steps. The outer noise starts getting louder and the inner connection weaker.

I want you to pause here. Take 5 deep breaths. And now ask yourself, “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest. How much are my daily actions and decisions based on external validation?”

And now breathe in the number. We are not shaming ourselves or going on guilt trips with the number. We accept this with love and grace, knowing we can change this number.

Now let’s see how we can change this number

• Every time when you do something going forward, ask yourself, “Am I doing this for myself or am I doing this to be externally validated?” Take a pause. This powerful question will determine your next course of action.

• Examine your childhood experiences. Our childhood shapes our beliefs and patterns. Go inwards and journal these questions, “Did I feel invisible or like I was deprived of healthy attention and praise as a child? If so, in what ways?”, “Did I feel unseen and unheard in my childhood?”, “How can I praise myself as an adult today to self-validate?”

• Self-care and Self-love. When your self-love rituals are nourishing, you start building that confidence inside you. How much do you value your own thoughts, ideas and decisions?

What if, from today, you take radical responsibility for your decisions even if the world is not with you? See where your decision takes you. Go the full round with this decision. Your world will change with this one step.

• You cannot make everyone happy. Period. When you realize this and instead focus on making yourself happy, the energy shifts and changes. You cannot be in everyone’s good books, and we don’t need to be in everyone’s good books. Start internalizing this inside your system.

Learning to let go of external validation is not a one-day job. You will have to practice it every single day till it becomes a natural process.

Leaving you with a quote to let the learnings sink in, “Belief in yourself is more important than endless worries of what others think of you. Value yourself, and others will value you. Validation is best that comes from within.” ― Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o

Image source: Eldar_V, via Getty Images, free on Canva Pro

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