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Why Does Not Wanting To Have Sex With My Partner Mean I Don’t Love Him?

Posted: July 11, 2020

Why is it so hard to understand having sex is a choice and not an order to obey? Having sex is something you do willingly, not when it’s imposed upon you!

I believe, talking about the willingness or the unwillingness to have sex in the modern generation isn’t a thing of shame or a big deal. And so keeping in mind the casual response to sex along with the giggles on the topic, I’ll be talking about the not so casual topic of not having sex.

It is wonderful that people’s mindsets are evolving and they are talking openly about sexual pleasure and its importance. However, I fail to understand what is so disgusting about someone supporting the idea of not having sex? What about it is so bad that it turns off the entire conversation? A rough guess would be the use of the antonym of ‘yes’ that creates a difference.

Why can’t I just say no?

Why is it obvious for me to not be a virgin if have or had a boyfriend? Or why is it so obvious for me to have sex on my wedding night regardless of it being an arranged or love marriage? Why is it obvious that I’d wake up with hickeys all over my neck after spending the night with my boyfriend? And why is it obvious for me to say yes to a moment that arises while being in a relationship? (Oh these questions can arise and work regardless of gender. However, since the person penning down the article is a woman, it is easier to be let out from her side)

I totally understand the biology behind all this, even if not theoretically, practically, for sure. And I am not even complaining about that. What I don’t understand is the mandatory rule of nodding a ‘yes’ to an orgasm regardless of consent. 

I’ve heard so many people convince their partners by asking that out-of-the-box question, ‘Don’t you trust me?’ When will people realise that it’s never about the trust in your partner but the trust in oneself? That it’s about the comfort, the mood, the self-assurance that says, ‘I am okay with surrendering myself to you and I am willing to do this.’ Until one feels this voice from within, wouldn’t it be respectable to obey the view and continue holding hands rather than convincing the other person why it’s important to have sex?

Why is sex the equivalent of expressing love?

Note: This is not about rape. It is about the thin line between the willingness to have sex and getting convinced about it.

I can wholeheartedly love my man and still ask him for some time to let him understand the ins and outs of my body at the same time. Why doesn’t this sound convincing enough on a larger scale? And why is being active in bed a fixed manner of expressing love?

Why is it so obvious for couples to make out every time they walk towards a deserted area! They can just be spending quality time together talking and laughing and watching sunrises, right? 

I’ve often been told that I’d lose my boyfriend if I refuse sex very often. And I’ve been suggested to be more ‘open,’ not think too much, book a room, light candles each time I am visiting my boyfriend since we’re in a long-distance. Apparently being super-charged in bed is the only way to save the relationship in the long-run.

Can’t you love someone without having sex?

I’ve legit crossed paths with people complaining about their sex lives and ending relationships without a second thought. The fun part is that one never proposes or promises the other saying, ‘I love you and I wish to share my bed with you. And I hope for the best outcome from your side too. Thus, my love for you will only run a limited time. It will last as long as you keep surprising me with your energy, beloved!’

Well, who doesn’t love consensual sex? Who doesn’t want to share those moments of intimacy with the person they adore? But is consent really that small a word? If consent to drop my clothes in front of you is normal then why can’t not having consent in not wanting to do the same be normal?

On a scale of one to ten, how sure are you that you’ll sleep well after you throw out your partner because they haven’t satisfied in bed you the way you’d imagined them to? If I make ask you, have you? I’m not really sure of the ‘yes’ to ‘no’ ratio of the answers however, I think, if you have thrown a partner out for such a reason, you need some help.

Watching porn doesn’t grant you the access to impose the same ‘thrilling’ expectation on your partner, and then dumping them for their opinion or choice!

Sex really is a choice!

There might be days when I am just not in the mood, or other days when I might not be comfortable. Or there may be days when I am tired or just want to binge-watch Netflix and cuddle with you at the most. What is so hard understand that having sex is a choice and not an order for one to obey? Having sex is something you do willingly, not when it’s imposed upon you!

If staying quiet over and over again, despite the instinct of not feeling right for the sake of the relationship is what it means, I’d rather not be in a relationship like that. Or if only my being the ‘happening’ partner in bed is what keeps my partner happy, I’d rather deny that relationship. If saying yes to sex with a fake smile is how I am supposed to express love, then I will deny the alliance.

So, if any of these are the what is expected of me, I will proudly deny staying in an alliance where there’s no transparency for discussing consent. If there’s utmost transparency while discussing adulthood why should there be awkwardness and embarrassment while discussing sexual consent?

While reading this, if you think I am an outdated woman, I will happily accept a hundred similar tags and not be ashamed about it even for a single day!

A version of this was earlier published here.

Picture credits: Still from Bollywood movie Kabir Singh

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A 22-year old Media student, a writer, a blogger and an artist whose pen

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