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Breakups, divorces, the end of a relationship can be tough… You may want to hurt your ex, but that doesn’t help. Here are some tips instead to help you deal with break-ups.
I have a practical take on life. I strongly believe that relationships are driven by selfish motives. Two people falling in love, more often than not, need each other equally.
So, in my view, if a relationship is not working, by all means, people should just move on. And this process should be smooth and seamless. Nobody needs to get hurt. No cuss words need necessarily be spoken. I used to preach to others, to have a similar, practical take on life.
However, for a short period of my life, I didn’t follow what I preached. I had a very hard time moving on from my previous relationship.
I received a text from my ex-boyfriend, one fine day, informing me of his marriage and begging me to not interfere in his life. My world shattered. I cried. Cried heavily. For a few days, it felt as if someone died.
My heartbeat literally sped up for more than 24 hours after my seeing that text. I realised that all my preaching was senseless. It is indeed very hard to move on.
I didn’t really dare stalk my ex after that. I had no courage to check his Facebook profile. I even hesitated to look at my own laptop’s folders, fearing his picture could be in one of them, reminding me of this painful memory.
However, after almost six months, I gathered the courage, and one day, I opened his Facebook profile. I saw pictures of his wedding, his honeymoon and pre-wedding. To my surprise, it didn’t disturb me at all. I just laughed. And closed his profile.
Thanks to my friends, family and colleagues, I was back to my normal self pretty quickly. In fact, today I am better than ever!
I am happier being who I am today than when I was in the relationship with him. No, it wasn’t a toxic relationship. I learnt that you don’t have to break a relationship only when it’s toxic.
I don’t even feel the urge to pen this article for the sake of capturing my emotions. My past relationship doesn’t deserve any mention in my life anymore. But I have observed that a lot of people in the world are victims of tough and toxic relationships.
Break-ups, divorces are becoming common and frequent occurrences in people’s lives. And so I thought I need to share how I overcame my breakup and what I learnt during this phase.
The reason you had a breakup is because things weren’t working well, either for both of you, or for one of you.
Accept this! End of the discussion.
There doesn’t necessarily have to be a logic behind this, an explanation or a solution. Just accept it.
If the climate changes, no matter how much time you spend analysing why the change happened, the harsh reality is that it has changed. The sooner we accept it, the better!
A number of people are in the habit of blaming themselves for everything bad happening around them. I am absolutely against this kind of negative thinking.
I suggest rather, that you look at it positively. If you don’t get a job, you are probably overqualified. If your relationship didn’t work, you were probably the better half.
If at all you have to analyse your relationship, do not take the blame on yourself entirely. We humans complicate everything unnecessarily.
No two people in the world can live in the same room without having differences. It’s not about anybody’s fault. It’s simply about misalignment!
It’s not right to put the entire blame of failure on the other party either. Like I said earlier, the failure of a relationship is purely due to misalignment of expectations, interests, lifestyles, or even values.
If two people have different values in life, they cannot really enjoy each other’s company for a long time. However, when you put the blame on somebody else, you take the locus of control of your happiness outside your body. This habit would hurt you in long run in life.
You will start believing that someone else could actually be the source of your pain. That is dangerous. Life is long.
You will meet several other people in the days to come. You have got to take the responsibility of those relationships. So that, if they don’t work, you know that it is your decision to move on or to stay.
When you suffer from a loss, either due to death of a beloved or a separation, your body/soul/mind miss something. There is a gap. You are probably not getting the emotional support, or hug, or just having someone in your Whatsapp list.
You have to find a way to fill this gap. Don’t leave this pain unaddressed. Don’t leave this space unattended. Find a new hobby club and join it.
You have to ensure that you are more engaged in activities that you would enjoy now than before. Don’t just sit at home and wait for your pain to subside.
Before you need somebody’s intervention, you better try to treat your trauma by actively seeking opportunities to keep yourself happy, productive and fully engaged.
I didn’t realise the power of letting your emotions out so much earlier. Don’t pretend to be brave by not letting your feelings out. It’s natural to feel agitated, or hate your ex-partner.
Make sure that you are channelizing your emotions properly into something harmless either to them, yourself or to anyone else.
Just crying is okay. Or calling your best friend would work too. Do let your feelings out. All of them.
Though some people say that it’s okay to give a call to your ex partner and express your emotions, I didn’t do that. He specifically requested me to not try to contact him. First, I respect his request, and his right to privacy. Second, I have no interest left in talking to him ever.
You decide yourself how would you want to do your letting go.
Your relationship with your ex partner was a phase of your life. You have to make sure that you are constantly growing into a better human today than who you were last year, or even yesterday.
Your attitude toward life must always be positive, irrespective of other persons’ presence in your life. If you think your relationship didn’t work well because of some mistakes you made, you should try to work on yourself.
Do not try to change yourself just because if it was an alignment issue. For eg. your ex didn’t like you to go out with your friends. This isn’t an area of improvement. It was their problem.
But if your ex didn’t like you yelling at them, that is something you must work on. Nobody would tolerate your unbearable habits. Know the difference and get yourself sorted as soon as possible.
While I didn’t do this, some people find this to be a good way to recover from breakups. Books can play the role of a good friend.
Personally, reading such books just gives an assurance that I am not alone on this boat. Just as this article is maybe giving you the same assurance.
Know this – the unique way in which your ex probably dumped you, cheated on you, or just disappeared, is actually not unique at all.
Just know that! Life goes on. Sooner or later, you would find yourself happier again. The world has not come on a stand still. The world is moving. You will keep meeting people. And if you are not meeting them, you are probably better off by yourself. Savour this! Please.
Though I know I am addressing a very sensitive topic in a rather short article, but I would like to stop here.
Do open up. Don’t shy away from being vocal about your break up. You are probably one of 5 people, if not more, around you who are suffering from relationship issues.
Take your time. Don’t rush through the recovery phase. It’s an extremely individualistic thing – the time you take in bouncing back.
Be respectful to your ex partner’s privacy and feelings.
Life is beautiful out there. You have to just play the peek a boo once again. The sooner you do, the better!
Good luck reliving your life, and this time, live it like you own it!
Picture Credits: Image is a still from the Hindi movie Dear Zindagi
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