The Ex-Files: When I Lost love, But Found Hope

Posted: March 22, 2018

This bittersweet (imaginary) note to an old boyfriend will have you looking back at your own loves nostalgically. Here’s to love – and learning from love.

Hi Ex,

I guess it was time to open the ex-files. They have been concealed for long now, hidden under the dust in the dark room of my heart. They have tried to surface from time to time, but I kept it at bay. After all, it’s all in the past and I did not want to say it out aloud, forget putting words to it. A part of me restrained myself from admitting the most surreal experience of my life. Yet, I do reminisce about the bygones and it’s about time it came in writing.




I considered myself very lucky to have been loved by someone like you. You had that charm and we clicked instantly. I liked you but had no clue that I loved you. When you came up to me with the proposal, no was my answer. 15 years ago I had no idea what love was. All I knew were some books and movies, which told me about the colour red and the melting hearts. But all that was in my imagination, I still needed my share of experience. Then you came and made me realize what love stood for.

Apprehensive at first, I did say yes later. And you know what happened then? I never told you this but I fell for you, pretty damn hard. I felt something so larger than myself, that I had no control over my feelings. I asked it to slow down, but when has the heart listened to the head? The feeling of love is so divine, so complex, that even you take time to realize what your body and soul are undergoing. I wish I had a steering wheel, I wish I had brakes, but my heart accelerated to a speed I could not gauge and govern.

You loved me much; there is no doubting it. As we started spending more time together, I could make out how different we were on so many aspects; how our priorities differed and how differently we tackled a situation. I could sense but I could not act. In my early 30’s now, or even in my 20’s I could fathom and act thinking for the betterment of my future but I was a teenager then. Correction. I was a teenager madly in love then.

All I felt at that time was sheer madness. I played all those lame games of writing my name next to yours and wondering when they would be written together forever. I had no doubt that you were the one; you were the chosen one for me. How wrong was I then, how very wrong.

No, you are a great guy, were actually. I have no idea how you have turned out to be. It was just we were two entities with different horizons. I believed in “all in” , while you were a person who didn’t like to gamble. I wish I had read that sooner. It took me two years to crash and burn and many more years to recover.

Yet I came out of it, hurt but stronger. Burnt but learned.

Love stories don’t just emerge, you make them happen. If you need something really bad, you fight for it. Determination is the key. Carry on only if you have the strength to take that pain which will scar you for more. The funny part, by the end of it, it may not even be a win. Dare only if you have the courage to fall, dust yourself and run again.

Years back, I wrote this mental note to myself and I knew a day will come when I will have the courage to share it with you. I might still melt, if we cross paths, but don’t take my tears as my weakness. It’s there because it brings back a time of my life, which I will cherish forever. You made me realize what love is, you made me open up to those feelings. Sure, we had our differences, and we had to part ways, but I know why you were planted in my life.

I am a better person today, thanks to my past. Even though our love story met a fatal end in the past, I know another one is waiting for me some way in my future. I know what I want now, and I can profoundly say, “It’s just the beginning of another story.”

I wish you the best, as you were one of the best things that happened to me.

Cheers!

Image via Pexels

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