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It doesn’t matter who knows and who doesn’t – a break up is a break up. When you’re 30, and you have spent enough time making yourself compatible to someone’s lifestyle and choices, it’s harder to undo that and make yourself raw again.
My Dear Ex,
I hope you are doing well. (Actually, I honestly hope that you are rotting in hell, but, yeah, for a change let me wish for your well being!).
You walked out on me all of a sudden, leaving me clueless for months and months. I still keep wondering sometimes what could have possibly gone wrong. Was I not smart enough, or intelligent, or beautiful? Or was I just intolerable, irritating, obnoxious, irresponsible and so on…or was it a unique blend of all of these?
I am in a lifetime dilemma about myself. Thanks to you, of course! I have lost confidence in my abilities. I have started believing that I am un-marriageable, unsuitable for any further relationships, or even un-dateable to some extent.
I remember how you played it so smartly with me all these months. You told me you wanted me to feel that the safest place in this world for me is the area around your arms. And I did believe you, for a long time! I didn’t look around anywhere or even try to, for years. So, let me tell you, you played it well! Huge round of applause.
You never promised marriage. You wanted to take things slow. I pushed you hard. And I kept doing so until a day came when you could no longer take it on. So honestly, you’re not the culprit. I am! I drove you crazy, completely crazy. I know that!
You had a rough time – and I was there for you. And when you were finally able to stand at your feet (well, now I think that you are a limb and can never actually stand on your feet), you felt the relationship was not working well. When it was time to pay back, you had other dreams to chase. When you needed to thank people who stood by you in your tough time, you were busy building a career! I really think you would go to the moon one day, with this dedication, selfishness, commitment and so much more at your disposal. At least, you should get something huge for leaving me!
Why am I still stuck and complaining and regretting? I wrote a few years back (on this same platform) that if someone wants to leave, by all means, they should leave and one should never stop them. But I realize today that it’s easier said than done. I can’t stand the fact that you left me, let alone bear the pain and consequences from this break up. It’s hard, really hard, to accept that I could be left one day and that all those lovely words do not really mean anything.
Words are words. You didn’t break a vow. You broke up before we could take things out in public or with family. I thank you for that – for ditching me in a way that I don’t get publicly shamed or humiliated. However, the internal pain remains the same. It doesn’t matter who knows and who doesn’t – a break up is a break up. And a one sided break up is tough. When you’re 30, and you have spent enough time making yourself compatible to someone’s lifestyle and choices, it’s harder to undo that and make yourself raw again.
I am sure things are not easy for you either. You were with me for a long time, virtually. It must have been a teensy-weensy difficult for you too, to get over. To get used to that I don’t exist in your life. To not avail of my services. To not answer my stupid questions. To be free for once and forever.
I just hope you are doing well now (truly from the heart!). If you left me for something, I believe it should be a good thing, or girl or offer. I hope they are treating you well – as you deserve – as I treated you.
One’s first love is special and will always be. I hope you miss me someday the way I miss you everyday. I wish you happiness and success and everything else you left me for in the new year.
Image via Pexels
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