A story of love, loss and second chances by Nikita Singh, releasing this Valentine’s Day.
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How to tell if you are in a toxic relationships where one partner makes the other feel inferior or ‘grateful’ for their love.
Recently, I met a few of my old friends who are all stuck in their complicated love lives for a long time. As the most surprising element during these talks with my friends, I found that these guys are using the same decade-old tricks to make women fall prey, and that even mature, independent and smart women are getting caught in these traps.
On the one hand, while this pathetic situation makes me feel sad, and compassionate toward duped women, on the other hand, it also compels me to warn women to not get hoodwinked into these traps any more.
I understand that the decision whether you-are-with-the-right-guy, and whether he-deserves-to-be-your-life-partner is important and critical, and that women must be very careful in making that decision. But, at the same, we also need to understand that the older our relationship gets, the more difficult it becomes for us to come out of it. So we must refrain ourselves from holding a broken glass for a long time as it would only hurt our hands eventually.
I have observed that many girls in our country get stuck in relationships due to feeling constantly obliged to their partners or boy-friends for some favours their guys do to them. Since birth, we face situations where males are given preference over their female counterparts, conditioning us to feel inferior to guys. So when even justice is being done to us, we feel that some favour is given.
…we need to realize that relationships are give-and-take in nature, and that nobody does any favours to his/her partner in a relationship.
However, we need to realize that relationships are give-and-take in nature, and that nobody does any favours to his/her partner in a relationship. I would urge women to stop feeling pressurized, obliged, or favoured, and not base any marriage decision or long-term commitment on this. If your partner is generous to you and treats you well, you deserve it. And moreover, if your partner shows his generosity as a favour, he is most probably not your true lover.
Hardcore Mantra: There are NO favours in a relationship!
A lot has been written on how-to-find-the-right-guy or the-Mr.Perfect, but I believe this is a matter where you should mostly follow your gut feeling. However, we can definitely spot the ‘wrong’ guys and cross them out if we analyse our relationships carefully. I have tried to recollect some common sentences which such guys use (maybe in different ways) to beguile women into their traps.
Let’s take a look.
Some guys use this sentence when they ask a girl for the first time to go on a date, have sex or anything which they think is otherwise difficult to convince her. This statement gives guys a chance to project a nice, decent image while asking something which otherwise might project the opposite image.
Mentioning that you are the first girl I am asking-out/taking-phone-number/ inviting-home etc casts an impression that he is not a flirt, and that the girl should feel lucky for he is making her this great offer. My question is, “If you really have never asked this to anyone, why you are mentioning it to me?” This was a choice you made (or did anybody stop you from asking this), and who knows why you didn’t ask this to any girl before.
This is something which guys tell mostly teenager girls, because that is the peak age when the ‘character’ issue becomes a major concern for every girl in our society. Girls start thinking that this guy is like my ‘messiah’ for he is so concerned about my image in society, and he takes care of my image so well in front of others.
However, in reality, if the guy had really supported his girl among a group of backbiters, he would tell his girl about it as a favour done. Someone who loves you truly would never let you feel down even after something really bad has happened behind your back. Guys say this also to show that even if there is a perceived bad image of the girl in the society, I am still there for her (as a favour).
This is a rather controversial statement. I have seen that weak-minded men use this statement to stop girls from breaking off the relationships. It’s generally used by guys when there are frequent fights, misunderstandings, or temporary break-ups happening in their relationships. However, in 99.99% of cases, nobody would ‘die’ from a break-up of a relationship. And moreover, if the guy is truly in love with the girl, I wonder why he needs to mention this. I believe that saying something like this only shows that you want your partner to be there even if things don’t seem to be working – you insist that she should stay for you under that pressure of your ‘life-and-death’.
Guys use this sentence to show that they are in high demand in the market (of eligible bachelors), so their girls must value them. My question is, “If you really have so many other offers, why are you still here for me?” There must be a logical and practical reason behind this. “Are all the other girls (who are supposedly waiting for you), better than me?” If no, I think then it’s pretty obvious why you are still here for me! If yes, and you are still here for me for you truly love me, your mentioning this shows that you think you are doing me a favour. Remember the hardcore mantra!
This statement is the most pathetic of all. When your partner tells you that he is embarrassed to be with you, or he is ‘stuck’ in his career, life because of you, he truly deserves to be left immediately – break up with him! A true lover would tell you “how-lucky-he-is-to-have-you-in-his-life”, not “how-lucky-you-are-to-have-him-in-your-life”.
I am not saying that you should break up with your partner because of small misunderstandings, fights or issues, but surely, you should not stick to a relationship which always disappoints you, keeps you under some pressure, or makes you feel inferior. It’s always, as I said earlier, a tough and crucial decision; and many times we stick to our relationship because we lack the courage to imagine a life without ‘him’; but, trust me, life is more beautiful out there from that caged relationship than you can ever imagine!
I hope the points above help you spot the ‘wrong’ guy and put the final nail in the coffin of your long trailing relationship.
If you have any other point to add from your past experiences, please write in comments. Your feedback, suggestion or comments are valuable for every woman who is reading it!
Couples concept image via shutterstock
I am an odd bird!
Great post swati,
Very insightful and all the points you mention should be kept in mind.Checking on these points while in a relationship ,will keep us aware of our own true feelings about the person instead of getting deluded by superficial qualities or charm of that person.
Thanks for your feedback Swati! Yes, that’s the whole point here. We need to create awareness in our society for all those women who get deluded by superficial feelings and charm of their boy-friends. 🙂 –Swati
This article is the best of those, I have come across until now. These incidents written here are the ones that is existing in our society and rarely we talk about it. Kudos to the writer for coming up with this encouraging piece of write-up .
Thanks Roopashri for your encouragement, and a wonderful feedback! Feels great that I could make please my reader feel that way! 🙂 Swati
Nice article Swati… 🙂
Thanks Nidhi!! 🙂
Great article Swati! You hit some of the important points bag on.
The women in our society more often than not fall prey for the wrong guy. That is why we hear unfortunate incidents of domestic violence and mental harassment at the hands of boy friends, husbands and ultimately his family. This is a serious topic and strong voices like yours will certainly help those women who are evaluating their relationship or are at the fence of getting into one. I hope to see more of your thoughtful articles!
Great feedback Parul -thanks! You have pointed out a more global and prevailing scenario in our society that happens primarily because of falling with ‘wrong’ guys and families. And it’s the girl who suffers eventually. So yes, we need to be very careful in analysing our relationships. Hope this helps create awareness for every woman in our society!
This was amazing.A lot of times I’ve seen women sacrificing again and again and men taking it for granted. I’ve also seen men respecting the women more when they finally take a stand.The trouble most of the time the women doesn’t even realize that the power lies with them.I hope atleast a few of them see the light after reading this.
Thanks for your feedback Aparna! Yes – let’s hope that our women feel encouraged if they are stuck in ‘wrong’ relationships! Hope to hear more from you in future! 🙂
Awesome post and yet so alarming for all those girls who are stuck in such relationships where favors are imposed on them by “boyfriend” !!! Great work Swati… keep on writing such helpful posts 🙂
Thanks Bhoomi!! Very kind of you to say that. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this one Swati. probably I was meant to read this when I am in a similar phase in my relationship. A question prevails though is it really him or is it me? Am I not over suspicious or over analysing?!!
Hi Keerti – first of all, kudos to your courage to confessing that you’re going through a similar phase. Very few of us have the courage to say that. I hope I have been able to highlight key points that can help us in making the right decision. But this is a very subjective topic, and we need more women to participate and help each other build up this confidence and take the right step forward! Feel free to share further views if you may have.. 🙂 Wish you very best in this phase!! –Swati
Swati, I would like to start by saying that the article really has some very nice points and that you are a staunch feminist. I could very easily realize that you too have been a victim of such a ‘Toxic’ relationship. I sympathize as well as empathize with you.
Where do i start? Let’s see… So it’s mandatory… no advisable, yes… So it’s advisable for men to keep doing things for their partners and never tell them. Very nice thought straight from the Bhagvad Gita, “Karm kar, Fal ki chinta mat kar”. But, I have a bit of a doubt here. Women are such complex beings, it is very difficult to gauge them on any level, situation or otherwise. As you understand the women community so well, maybe, you might be able to answer some of my questions.
Don’t girls like it when they are told how much their partner loves them, why does he love them, why is she so beautiful, what all can he do for her, so on and so forth. Aren’t these real questions girls ask their partners frequently? I know for a fact that these are some of the most dreaded questions boys have to answer, because one small mistake or even ambiguity in the reply would turn into a big and never-ending fight over nothing.
1. You’re the first girl I am asking this
Has it ever occurred to you that a boy might be saying so because she actually is so special that the guy went out of his way to ask her? Why tell the girl so? Because girls like it when they are made to feel special. A loving partner wants their mate to be confident and happy. I too feel this is a stupid line, however, it doesn’t, in any way, signify that the guy is ‘Wrong’.
2. I supported your ‘character’ when all others were against you.
I think what you meant to say was ‘People say weird things about your character but I support you.’ How many guys do you know? Maybe, you do know that the hottest, ever-so-interesting and common topic that boys talk about is girls and there are guys who talk shit about girls trying to demean their character. This is wrong, very wrong. But if a guy tells the girl that he is supporting her no matter what people say, why is it wrong? This would make her more confident as she would know that no matter what comes her way, her partner will always be there for her. A few words of assurance don’t hurt.
3. I will die if you leave me.
This is by far my favorite one. If the ratio of no. of boys to the no. of girls who use this sentence is calculated, the figure would be tending towards ZERO. I completely agree that nobody dies after a break-up. And people who try, please stop this disgusting act of cowardice, desperation and selfishness. Grow up guys (boys and girls).
4. I have so many other offers, but I am still here for you
Can only girls have offers from boys? Can a good looking/natured/mannered/earning boy not have several good offers from good women? If the guy says he has offers, he might actually have some up his sleeve. You cannot just completely rule out that possibility. The guy is still there because he loves his partner, he values her, and wants to spend his life with her. But, how can it be… aren’t these good things… they can’t be true. Certainly, the guy is playing his “High Demand, Low Supply” card. Oh yes, why does he spill it out in front of the girl? To let the girl know that she has a very special place in his heart that nobody else can ever fill. He doesn’t even want anyone else because he wants her, only her. That is true love. I hope you have at least some basic idea of what true love is. No? Never mind. Better luck next time.
5. I am stuck with you OR My life would have better if…
This one is actually a pathetic one. Leave that boy or girl One Hundred percent and do it right away. Swati, you left out the reason why a boy would make such a pathetic remark. As much as I am against this statement, I also understand that all relationships don’t work out. Maybe, this is one of the very ‘rare’ cases where the guy is actually stuck with the ‘WRONG’ girl. No? Oh… so there’s nothing like a wrong girl. Yeah, I remember the epic dialogue from ‘Pyaar ka Punchnama’.
In the end, I too agree that ‘A true lover would always tell you “how-lucky-he-is-to-have-you-in-his-life”, not “how-lucky-you-are-to-have-him-in-your-life”.’ This is exactly what I have been saying since the beginning, it’s all about how lucky or special one can make their partner feel.
I don’t say everything you have written is wrong. My point is, “Please, Don’t generalize.” There are so many great guys in the real world who truly love their partners a lot. There is so much love all around you. I would suggest, take you time, and figure out whether the guy you are thinking of dating really deserves to be the one. The Hard-core Mantra here is ‘Prevention is better than cure’ and yes the ‘NO favours’ one too.
First of all, thanks for taking time for reading my article, and for leaving a detailed comment! And since you’re the only man who has givens us the man’s angle to the topic, I would help you get better understanding of the context here.
First, I have not written this article to draw yours or anyone else’s sympathy or empathy or anything here; but I have written this to beware girls/ women to NOT fall in toxic relationships that hurt them eventually. True you’re when you say that a guy can be genuine too, and that girls can be non-genuine as well – but let’s revisit some facts here. As an outcome of a toxic relationship, a guy or girl can have their hearts broken – but a guy would not end up with a belly carrying a baby! It might sound funny to most men; and they might argue that women also enjoy the process of conceiving, which we dearly call ‘sex’. But a MAN would never have a consequence of being pregnant from that lustful, or intimate, or unwanted ‘sex’. A guy would never be victim of physical or sexual harassment; he would never be beaten by a drunken wife, or in-laws. NEVER! And that changes a lot of equations of our society.
Second, all the points I have written here are very specific to relationships where men/ women are not happy; where women lack the courage of breaking off the relationship due to many fears that come as a by-product of that relationship (something which guys never have to worry about, really).
I hope that you understand why things are not same for man and woman when they are in relationship. The article is dedicated to those women who are struggling very hard every day to save themselves from such relationships.
If you have any further comments, please be free to post. Thanks again!
Thank you so much for agreeing to the fact that men can be genuine too, and that girls can be non-genuine as well. I am happy that you admitted that not all guys who say these five sentences are always the ‘Wrong’ ones.
Now, as you have asked me to revisit some facts, I will be more than happy to sail with you on this adventure. I agree a man would never face the consequence of being pregnant, but that doesn’t always make him the perpetrator. Also, when you talk about facts, you should know that there have been men who have been beaten by wives or in-laws. That, kind of, balances the equation again. And now that you have mentioned it, why do girls always bring all things, logical or illogical, back to sex? We were discussing about Toxic relations and identifying Wrong boys/girls, not ‘sex’. Sex is just a bodily requirement and both men and women need to fulfill it. Men have always been thankful to the women folk to have carried this burden of reproduction since inception, but this is not a choice we made, so we are not the ones to be blamed for it, anytime women feel like.
When you say that guys never have to worry about the by-products of a relationship, have you ever put yourself in our shoes and really thought about it? I am sure, you haven’t. A guy gives in as much to a relationship as a women does. It is, however, very rarely that he shows it. A guy too feels bad, he too gets hurt, he too cries inconsolably at the loss of his loved one. A guy too leaves no stone unturned before he decides to break-up with someone. It is not something guys enjoy or love to do. Rather, we boys are always afraid that if we break-up with the girl we love, will we be able to recover, will we be able to forget and move on, will we ever be able to love someone else, or even will we be able to get another girl.
I completely agree that your article is very specific to men/women who are unhappy in a relationship. But, when you select to objectify men, choose or reject them basis some perky sentences, I say, you are wrong. Things are the same for men and women in a relationship, the difference lies in the way we perceive it. I agree that men/women are struggling daily to save themselves from such relationships. “But dear, don’t be afraid of love, it’s only magic.” Be alert, not immune.
Thanks for your advices.. will keep in mind!
nice ,crystal -clear share.
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