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Marriage or live in? What could be the reasons for this seemingly sudden trend where the two are options? We spoke to some people in their 20s.
Young people, these days, between the age groups 20-30 (‘marriageable’ ages) are considering live in a better option than marriage. The law is also recognising live in relationships, and this makes the choice easier.
Marriage or live in: that is the question!
Having discussed the issue with many of my own friends – highly opinionated young men and women, I came to understand that a major reason why in the debate of ‘Marriage or Live in’, a live in relationship might win. Most feel that being in a live in gives you an agency to make own decisions, and to be own person. No one wants to be tied down.
In a live in relationship, the hurdles that come along with marriage aren’t there. Many pro-live in people argue that marriages do have a tendency of taking away the element of individuality from a person, more so for a woman. Incurring a truckload of expenses, including dowry; adopting another name; being crushed under marital responsibilities, and many many restrictions from the husband and his family (cannot be generalised, but is mostly true for many women!) are some of the other ways how one – who is a free soul – might feel suffocated inside a marriage.
Many a time, you reach a level in your marriage where you start questioning the very foundation of the same. But in a society such as ours, even thinking about considering separation or divorce in a marital relationship is looked down upon, even if two people bound by marriage are at a stage where there is not trust, nor any intimacy between them. As such, the process of divorce is lengthy, and a clumsy one at the same time.
But a live in relationship seems like an easier way. As stated by a friend, “It’s all about the luxury of having as many options as possible in today’s modern world. If you never married a person, it’s easier to go your separate ways.” Getting separated from someone you never married puts a little less of an emotional burden on the self and the legal troubles that follow a divorce also get cancelled.
In an arranged marriage, all of a sudden you have to share your bed, your room and your privacy, which may lead to a lot of dilemma. This could be the case even if it is a love marriage because you don’t know how to realistically live with a person you are now supposed to call your spouse.
To counter such a scenario, a live in relationship may seem like a better, and a safer option, offering the best of both worlds. A live in relationship gives a choice to the participants to give the relationship a fair shot before actually doing something which (not strictly speaking) cannot be undone. Not that prevalent in India, but in the western world, as a Scandinavian friend of mine stated, many couples start a family without actually getting married. Hence, it can be said that a live in relationship gives the romance in the relationship a fair time to allow both the partners to settle in, and figure out the positives and the negatives of each other, so that if ever comes a time where you have to commit to such an institution as is a marriage, you get into it knowing all (or most of) what is necessary for the survival of the relationship.
Youth is an age where people are most goal-oriented and want to make sure that they achieve the aspirations that they have from themselves and their lives. Given a choice between marriage or live in, most of these individuals might go with a live-in.
The reason being that in this fast and constantly moving world, in order to be able to achieve something, you have to let go of some other things. Similar is the case here. In order to achieve one’s goals in life, while maintaining a romantic relationship with that someone special, one tends to prefer a live in relationship, which comes without the added responsibility of a spouse and having to start a family. With marriage, comes the responsibility of in-laws and maintaining healthy, social relationships with them. As a friend of mine humorously puts it, “There is no saas-bahu ki tu-tu, main-main, or hum dadi naani kab banenge type dialogues!”
During an interaction with some of my peers on this ‘Marriage or live in’ debate, some put forth a point stating that the youth of today realise that one needs to be more focused about the kind of environment they want to be a part of. Due to the rapid progress and easy access to social media, a sort of zombie lifestyle has developed. People don’t really have time for anyone but themselves. But humans need companions, nonetheless. So, people prefer searching for partners at one’s own workplace or in the form a live in relationship- a situation which is a preferable option for having an emotional support, without actually moving much away from the ‘normal’ mechanical routine.
Spending one’s life with someone else is a big decision, and seems more validated if it is a permanent one. Either marriage or live in, what’s important is to understand the compatibility and level of comfort you may share with that special someone, so that you can actually utter the words- with absolutely no doubts whatsoever- “Till death do us part!”
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In the last few days I was having a conversation with my younger sister about relationships, and she said something which hit me hard.
I have seen a lot of people feel uncomfortable sharing their age, but I have no such hesitations. I am 32 years old and my younger cousins tell me that I belong to the ‘old generation’. If you are born in the year 1990, you are still considered among them, but if a year less – 1989, you are from the old school.
Being an elder sister, my cousins come to me seeking advice about studies, career and relationships, but when I try to help in the way I understand, the only reply I get is, “Didi, leave it, you’ll not understand it. Aapki generation aur hamari generation mein bahut fark hai. (There’s a lot of difference between your and my generation).”
In the last few days I was having a conversation with my younger sister about relationships, and she said something which hit me hard. Though she is from the new generation and I am from the so-called old generation, we share a lot of mutual thoughts and interests. We spoke about love, how the generation born after the year 2000 perceives love.
You ask any SATC fan. We all wanted a friendship like the one that the 4 girls shared. A friendship that was a rock. A friendship that seemed to withstand the tests of time and in general, life.
I confess that SATC (Sex and the City) has a special place in my heart. I must have watched the 6 seasons and every single episode at that, countless times. Seriously, there was nothing like sitting back with a glass of wine, a bar of dark chocolate and an episode of SATC, after a hard day at work. It renewed me. Made me laugh.
So much so, that I even ended up going for the special SATC bus tour when I visited New York in 2019.
Now some may call the show frivolous but for me, it was pure, honest entertainment. I was in love with the fashion, the ‘fabulousness’, the fun! And it had its moments as well. Moments that were truly thought-provoking, moments that made its viewers take a good, candid look at their own relationships, particularly their female friendships.