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The expectations about a bride are to be seen to be believed! A writer shares her personal experience of just such expectations.
My Mom kept asking me why was I so skeptical about getting married. Although I always came up with various arguments, she kept pestering me and with her indomitable Mommy spirit always behind me, I took my first step and registered on a reputed matrimonial website. Proposals poured in but nothing that caught my attention until I got this one – (see the screenshot) and I saved it so that I could get a good laugh when I felt morose.
This one awed me for various reasons. The presuppositions of this groom’s mother about a girl, with whom her son is going to spend his life, made me wonder me to an extent that I had to share this. I would also like to share my reply to this preposterous proposal. (The phone numbers and the name have been hidden for obvious reasons).
My reply – let me take you point by point.
Apart from noticing the wrong spelling of the word ‘seperate’, I also noticed that you hold a completely wrong notion about today’s girl.
We do not get married with the sole intention of separating a son from his parents. We intend to respect and care for our husband’s parents as much as we respect and care for our own because we have been raised with basic principles of dignity and honour.
We also expect mutual respect and if that is not given, we are educated enough to find our own ways of putting stuff in place. And not to mention, if your sons oblige to our insistence then you sure got to think about the way you brought them up.
Again apart from noticing the ‘differance’ of opinion that we have in this point, I also noticed that you do not seem to be very keen on incorporating healthy changes in your ways of life.
I do not urge anyone to follow and understand the way I have lived my life for 30-some years in my own home, but if I bring about some positive change in yours and you bring about some positive change in me, then I only think that is a good bargain. A good way of giving and taking the good amongst us, so that we become better than what we are. What is so wrong with that?
No dignified woman would like a ‘ghar-jamai’ husband. I do not even intend to ask anyone (even if that person is my husband), to help my parents in any way. He helps them or he doesn’t, I do not judge him by that.
I judge him by the way he supports me when I support them. My parents’ are my sole responsibility and when it comes to them, there wouldn’t be any compromise, because they have raised me with the same effort that you have raised your son, maybe more than that.
So I don’t expect help from your son, NEVER, I just expect a mature, understanding human being. (I can no longer point out spelling mistakes… M kinda tired!)
And I cannot agree more to this point. Why did you ever think that any woman in this world could be able to be a substitute for my Mother? And what made you ever think that I have a ‘fantacy’ like that?
Let me let you know that I would never give my Mother’s place to anyone. She is and always will be my 1st priority. What I expect from you, is to know and understand this one universal truth of my life.
I don’t know what makes you think that Indian girls today don’t like ‘kunku’ and ‘mangalsootra’. We are as Indian as you are. We love those gorgeous accessories that are so involved in an Indian marriage. We would gracefully adorn them and make them a part of our appearance.
But then, what is so wrong with making them fashion statements? We are educated girls, working in a multi-national corporate environment, where we require to be presentable all the time. And even if we are not working, what is so wrong with being presentable?
If the attire doesn’t look good with a kumkum or a bindi, what is so wrong with not wearing it? Would we become single again if we don’t wear it? Does wearing a mangalsootra and a dot on my forehead make me your daughter in law, or does the house, the family, the festivals, the relationship that we share make me that? I would not be your son’s wife because I wear all this; I would be his wife because I would feel like being. And that feeling is going to matter till the end.
Although let me tell you, your son just lost his chance.
Between two individuals who have decided to live their lives together, I do not believe in the concept of insults. I know there can be fights and some shouting and most of the times I agree they have to be kept within. But there can be times when the fights get intense (I am just being real) and sometimes they go to such an extent that they might find their way out of the walls of the rooms.
And these are the times when parents and relatives are supposed to help work the matters out. After all isn’t that what friends, relatives and parents are for? Not to increase the bitterness but to help two upset people calm down and sort things.
Oh! Finally my prospective mother-in-law (who just missed the opportunity of having an awesome daughter-in-law) makes a point that I completely agree upon.
Wealth can never be basis of any relationship. What makes a marriage a marriage, is two equal individuals, who bring their own set of values and principles, hear out what each other have to say, help each other in overcoming weaknesses and make better humans out of each other.
To conclude, I think you took your profession (Law) a little too personally. I now know why the ‘in-law’ thing scares girls all over the world so much. Reading your laws of marriage, makes me cringe on the way you must have brought up your son. When I look at him in his photo, I feel nothing but pity. Let me also point out one typical trait of my personality – I don’t offend anyone, unless provoked. But you must thank your luck! You have just been saved!
(P.S. : I did get married and on my own terms. Of course some changes here and there, North and West types, but I am glad I stood up to this nonsense. The prospective father-in-law expressed his desire to make me his daughter-in-law and apologized on his wife’s behalf but I didn’t fall for the TRAP. I am high most of the times but not dumb!)
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Published here earlier.
Image source: shutterstock
Writes about feminism, books, food and social issues !
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