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How to find a match in matrimonial sites or dating apps? Have you ever wondered that. Here are 7 tips, to make it easier.
If you are in your 20s or 30s or ‘marriageable age‘ you probably have heard and read enough about arranged marriages and love marriages and the present matrimonial website “dating”. We have those who completely trust an arranged marriage and are mentally prepared to spend their ‘suhaag raat‘ with a stranger and the others who are hell bent on dating and finding their own. But what about the ones in the middle, who want to know a person well enough yet in an organized way (and preferably with the parents involved too). So here are a few pointers for those who are trying to find a partner through the pseudo-arranged marriage system.
Marriage is complicated and so is finding the right person. Someone who is really interested in finding the right person would take an effort to state what they want explicitly. Try to find such kinds. I personally would stay away from people who would judge someone solely in terms of their skin color, height or career. Isn’t it shallow to ask for a tall, slim, fair beautiful girl? Or Tall,dark, handsome guy with a six-figure salary? or what does ‘traditional but modern’ even mean? Anyways, doesn’t life have more to it? So take your chances. My personal favorite is when a guy wants a ‘Strong and independent woman’ or when a guy/girl truly describe themselves and their personality with no ambiguity. It says a LOT about the person. Again, descriptions can be deceptive as well so talk, meet before you judge or make a decision.
Unless you know who you are, you cannot decide whom you want. So spend time with to understand yourself and what kind of a relationship you want to be in. Learn, unlearn and relearn. I used to believe I am going to marry the first person I date. Unfortunately, that isn’t life. It is ideal but it does’nt happen to many, so be ready to explore till you find the right one. Be ready to dive in and face everything a relationship has to offer. Having said that, it is a tedious process so brace yourself and do not take any ‘matrimonial site rejections’ personally. Give it time and stay cool.
I would say become a friend before getting into any relationship, be it by dating or by formal sources. Make friends with the other person. Being friends is being yourself, being silly, being open about your relationships and being non-judgmental. If the other person becomes your best friend then you are one of the lucky ones. We do have friend-zoned issues in the present century which we hope to solve soon. So if you are talking to a person through a matrimonial website then talk to them like you would to a new friend and not like an ideal ‘bahu’ (or someone whom you are not).
Though it is hard to not ‘Google’ someone nowadays try to avoid it. Even if you do Google search them or find their social media links do not communicate through them if you have their personal contact information. And avoid judging a person by their posts/social profile. Have all initial conversations in person or over skype/phone. Texting, personal messaging are indirect forms which have a high risk of misunderstanding, especially when you do not know the texting style of the other person. Also, direct contact always helps you understand a person better as a whole. Create opportunities to meet the person informally and without any family members around.
I insist that you try to communicate with only one person at a time when you reach the stage of real communication through a matrimonial site. Simply because of the fact that when you have a few people you want to talk to then it is going to be confusing for you and unfair to the other party (you can ask or request the same from the other person as well). So if you are clear about what you want and if you find the person who fits then you should be ready to seal the deal. If you do feel you can find someone better then let them know and move on. I suggest on being fair with a hope that we are treated fair as well and not compared with two other women at the same time and judged.
Get into any communication with an open mind. Not with an awe for his/her high education or for those beautiful eyes or smile. Be rational and state openly what you want in life for yourself. Discuss life goals and make sure they match (or that both of you are ready to work towards matching it). Once that is established then dive into the romantic (or blind) side of it. Relationships are established over the years so take enough time to make sure the other person is right for you but do not expect everything to be perfect on the go . It shouldn’t be hard or strenuous but remember that it is a continuous effort. To achieve that, a foundation of trust and honesty (and independence) should be established with love.
Make your final decision by yourself even though you might get inputs from people around you. Think about how the other person makes you feel. Sometimes you might have had a picture in your head and it might turn out to be different and yet you might have fallen in love with the other person (and that’s completely okay!). If you have any doubts or if you would like more time then do it before the decision making. Usually, it shouldn’t take more a couple of (or three) months to arrive at a final decision in an Indian setting though again it might differ from person to person.
This is what I told myself when I got into the pool:
“I want to be in a relationship with a person even after twenty-thirty years from now FOR the person. Not because we had children, not because we didn’t have a choice, not because our family expected us to, but for the companionship and love that cannot be sought from anyone else.”
So if you also want the same then get into it with complete trust and conviction about yourself and about a long-term relationship. Savor the process, it is a wonderful learning experience. And good luck with your search.
Married couple holding hands via Shutterstock
In my mid-twenties , a safety specialist by profession in US. A free thinker, equalist
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