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Everyone and their aunt thinks they can advise you on having children as soon as you declare your intentions of getting married. Shouldn't it be up to the couple? A short story.
Everyone and their aunt thinks they can advise you on having children as soon as you declare your intentions of getting married. Shouldn’t it be up to the couple? A short story.
She woke up to the constant beeps from her phone. Whatsapp messages wishing Season’s Greetings! were streaming in. Veni opened the ‘Family Group’ to see pictures of her nephews and nieces decked up in colourful clothes. She loved each one of them, and went through the pictures with a smile on her face. It had brightened her ordinary day. Living far away from home, the festival was just another day for her. Her celebrations happen only on the weekend, and the pictures made her feel better.
There was, as usual, plenty of discussion on child-rearing, the kind of advice that veteran family members think is their duty to dispense of, unsolicited. It never failed to amuse her. As she continued to scroll, she saw a message referring to her that said “Veni, all these will be useful to you after you get married.”
Veni was getting married in a few months and it wasn’t the first time someone mentioned about kids. She ignored them initially. As the discussion continued on the group, she couldn’t help but send “Hey ! I am getting married and not pregnant. And I don’t intend to be so soon!” End of conversation.
The same day, a good friend from her hometown called to wish her. While she was talking about her four year old, the friend casually asked “Now that you are getting married, do you notice yourself observing children more ? Are you reading child-growth books? Have you spoken to your doctor about your health?” She struggled to answer. She wanted to say “No, I am still thinking if I want kids,” but couldn’t.
Her mother and to be mother-in-law had already begun hinting about grandchildren. She did nothing but keep her thoughts to herself. It was so surprising, and vexatious. Here she was, not yet married, only the date was set, but everyone was already asking her about her having children! Didn’t people understand that there was a choice? That it was between the couple? IF they want a child. How many. How soon or late. And who is to be primarily responsible for child rearing. Should she be judged by her child-bearing/rearing decisions? Why can’t the couple decide to just be for each other and travel the world? Or adopt one of the million children who need parents? Or just help hundreds of children have a good childhood/educations rather than raise one of their own?
She started wondering, “Is there something abnormal with me? With my expectations for myself? I love kids, but does that mean I have to have them?”
As she experienced the taken-for-granted conversations, it also made her wonder about the struggles she had heard women go through. That neighbor who lost a fetus thrice and had IVF and went through mental and physical pain for many years. That couple who lost their new born. This couple who couldn’t conceive at all. The friend’s friend who .. the stories go on. She was sure every one of these women would have heard a painful story themselves. It scared her.
As her mind reeled under these thoughts, she heard her phone ring. It was her fiance. She couldn’t hold all her turmoil within her, and blurted out all of it to him. He listened patiently and said “Well, maybe you should tell them that you haven’t decided if you want a child and have not discussed with me yet. Why do you hesitate?” Veni had no answer to it. “How is it that nobody has asked me such questions or even hinted anything to me about children when I said I am getting married?” he continued.
“It is because you are a man, and people suppose that you have nothing to do with taking care of children, or probably that they think you are too young to have children,” she replied with a sigh.
He was quiet for a few seconds and said “Hey, remember, it is OUR decision IF we want to have children or not and I wouldn’t let you or myself go through anything because of societal pressure. And also please be bold and tell that to people if they ask you such personal questions again. Nobody has any right to question our decisions. Remember, we are in this together.”
All Veni could do was grin with happy tears, and wish that he was there in person, so that she could give him a big tight hug!
Image source: woman saying STOP by Shutterstock.
A free thinker, equalist who has never feared to voice out opinions. I believe that everyone deserves the same kind of respect irrespective of gender, identity, background, social or economic. And we need to evolve read more...
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Vidhya came home with Riya. She was surprised to see the same expectations from her that were before from having a child. Nothing had changed, and she felt that nothing would ever change.
Vidhya was just like any other normal girl who grew up reading Cinderella and Rapunzel, wishing to meet her Prince charming someday. Though not a topper, she scored well in school and college and fulfilled her parent’s dream by joining as HR in a reputed financial firm.
After she settled in her career path, her parents began their hunt to find the perfect groom and complete their responsibility in life. Finally, after seeking permission from the stars in her chart, they fixed her wedding with Rahul, who according to them, got a tick for most of their eligibility criteria. She obliged and got married to him as per their wish.
Unlike the earlier wives or girlfriends, Ms Sharma was already a celebrity with a huge following, before she got hitched. Why should peeps question now, when she shared her thoughts about one of the toughest times of their life?
Behind every successful woman, there is a ‘Kaam Waali Bai’ and a ‘Calm Waale Spouse’.
Similarly, behind every successful married man, there is a fabulous understanding woman. She could be the warm cuddler, a fierce tigress or someone who will hold the mirror to show the true picture.
I always thought of women as being there to serve us men. To love us, to care for us, to give us their lives. I was never told otherwise and I never bothered to find out either.
Today was going to be the day. One last try. I owed it to myself. I owed it to her. I owed it to our marriage of 15 years. I winced as I recalled the events that had led to me coming out of the drama that had unfolded as a much married man.
I was about 30 years old, armed with not only a Master’s Degree from the United States of America but also with an offer of a lucrative job from a very prestigious company. I had been given 2 weeks of time before I would be starting with the company that hired me as a Project Manager, and I set about to find a bride for myself in that short period. My parents had already started looking for potential candidates. All I had to do was to approve one of them.
There is no such thing as a 'happily ever after', if a daughter is not brought up to be a capable, confident, independent woman, and given a rightful equal place in society.
There is no such thing as a ‘happily ever after’, if a daughter is not brought up to be a capable, confident, independent woman, and given a rightful equal place in society.
Sudha rushed into her room and shut the door close. Putting all her weight against it, she took deep long breaths even as tears threatened to erupt. She determinedly pulled a chair from nearby and lodged it under the handle to jam it. She could hear her husband and mother-in-law banging on it from outside. With shivering hands, she quickly dialled her father’s number. “They will kill me Papa, please take me away from here. They are asking for money again.”
Her father asked her to calm down and explained how she must learn to handle her situation better. This was her life, her family now. He pacified her, saying he would talk to her in-laws and give them whatever he could. But she had to apologise too. Did she raise her voice again? Had she been adamant again? That’s not how marriages in our society work beta, he said.