How To Choose A Good Match When I’m Told ‘Men Are Like That Only’?

What should a woman like me do, who wants to work, get a PhD, yet also get married, have kids, have a husband. Am I asking too much?

What is marriage?

A contract between two people? Or contract between two families? A permission to breed? Or just making sure your child has emotional and financial support other than you?

No matter what the answer is, marriage is never without compromise.

Since I was a kid, I’ve heard that marriage is important because I “cannot stay alone”. My family never understood how that one sentence can affect me on my future choices, even though my family never forced me for marriage.

So why I am writing this?

I am still single. So why I am writing this? Because when you are going to be 25 and everyone is interested about your marriage, you kind of hope to be happy or shy whenever people ask about marriage.

But why I am scared?

Because everyone around me is telling me to choose the “safer” option. Even if I am not compatible with that guy. Even if I don’t feel the hope, the butterflies inside.

It may sound filmy but why not?

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I also deserved to be in love, I also want to feel things. But that one sentence since childhood is imprinted on me. In past I have chosen guys that are angry or selfish, and whenever I complained about them, my family and friends told me, “He works too much, he is tired, he does so many things for you, he is a man, they act this way, this is normal, just ignore!”

I was miserable in my past relationships because I was afraid of being alone

Even after breakup, still my family blames me for lack of adjustment. Nobody saw me when I was compromising way beyond my limit. Why is a family who is open to my pre-marital relationships telling me to compromise or ignore the red flags? Is patriarchy never going to leave us?

And now when I want to get married and I finally am stable in my life, I am encountering mostly men who thinks its ok to get angry or irritated, or hide small things from me because, “It’s not wife’s cup of tea”.

Even if some guys say things that are not judgemental or misogynistic, they seem to change their behaviour very soon. And again, when I say this to the people I know they laugh. They casually say, “Men are like this only.”

I am confused beyond imagination. I feel my confusions are not real because of everyone’s reaction. But i feel like my mind wants stability with a person who also makes me happy.

What should a woman like me do, who wants to work, get a PhD, yet also get married, have kids, have a husband. Am I asking too much? If the answer is to wait till the right guy, I am not even sure there is one.

And even if I get one, will my family stop talking about my marriage?

Image source: YouTube/ Average Ambili

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About the Author

Raktima Acharjee

Just a student who keep questioning everything and definitely wants to do a PhD in gender studies. read more...

3 Posts | 2,599 Views

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