Living Every Day With Depression And Anxiety, There’s So Much Fear Yet There’s Strength…

Ever since I received my diagnosis, I felt a sense of relief and a bit of sadness. Relief, because I now had a vocabulary to express my behaviour, but sadness because this is probably a permanent part of who I am.

There are days when I can’t get out of bed

And days when I can’t sleep

Days when I eat like there’s no tomorrow

And days when I can’t even swallow curd

I have the wildest dreams, but the weakest mind

For I find myself worried about everything

Worried and scared about things I shouldn’t be afraid of

From bargaining with the vegetable vendor to talking to my neighbor- why am I so afraid?

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I have lost confidence in myself, my abilities, and my inner being

I feel weak, lost, defeated, and scared

I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorder

But I am neither ashamed nor proud

Not ashamed, because it is what it is- a disease and a condition

And not proud either, because there is nothing to be proud about- it is something that must be managed like anything else

But I have a history and a background

My upbringing was rough and so was my relationship with my father

I struggled with my sexuality, career, and romantic relationships all my life- and still do

I don’t have too many friends and for some reason, don’t seek them either!

I want to ask:

Is it normal to be a loner, and be so happy alone?

Is it normal to break so many hearts and yet feel so emotionless?

To not feel joy or sadness about life, but just feel “bleh”? Emotionless and numb?

To not want anyone around me yet want to be protected and loved?

To not know what love is, yet want to experience it?

What worries me the most is who I will be when I grow older

And whether I even live that long or that I should just end it all on my own terms when I am younger?

Ever since I received my diagnosis, I felt a sense of relief and a bit of sadness

Relief, because I now had a vocabulary to express my behavior

But sadness because this is probably a permanent part of who I am

I am gay, single, depressed, and anxious. Yet, I try to tell myself I am also strong and resilient

I know I have the power inside me to overcome my own fears

But sometimes, what scares me the most are other people

So I try not to think about it too much and just push it all aside

But then there are days when I have to face it headfirst- and those days are hard

I am still very scared and nervous, yet I want to be strong and brave

This is a conundrum, I know- but how to fix it, I still don’t know

But I do know that my mind is a tricky place and one that is very hard to control

Because it has a life of its own and an energy I can’t tame (yet)

Yet tame it I must and accept myself I must

The way I did for my sexuality, the same for my mental illness

Because if I can’t accept myself for who I am, how will others?

Editor’s note: October is #DepressionAwarenessMonth

If you or anyone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. 
Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669
Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050
Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704
Sahai, Bangalore: 080=25497777
Roshni, Hyderabad: 040-66202000, 040-66202001
SPEAK2us – Tamilnadu 9375493754

Image source: Freepick on QuillaQuiver

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About the Author

Kanav Sahgal

Kanav is, as of June 2021, pursuing his Master's in Development from Azim Premji University, Bangalore. He identifies as queer for personal and political reasons and can be contacted via read more...

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