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Ever since I received my diagnosis, I felt a sense of relief and a bit of sadness. Relief, because I now had a vocabulary to express my behaviour, but sadness because this is probably a permanent part of who I am.
There are days when I can’t get out of bed
And days when I can’t sleep
Days when I eat like there’s no tomorrow
And days when I can’t even swallow curd
I have the wildest dreams, but the weakest mind
For I find myself worried about everything
Worried and scared about things I shouldn’t be afraid of
From bargaining with the vegetable vendor to talking to my neighbor- why am I so afraid?
I have lost confidence in myself, my abilities, and my inner being
I feel weak, lost, defeated, and scared
I was recently diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety disorder
But I am neither ashamed nor proud
Not ashamed, because it is what it is- a disease and a condition
And not proud either, because there is nothing to be proud about- it is something that must be managed like anything else
But I have a history and a background
My upbringing was rough and so was my relationship with my father
I struggled with my sexuality, career, and romantic relationships all my life- and still do
I don’t have too many friends and for some reason, don’t seek them either!
I want to ask:
Is it normal to be a loner, and be so happy alone?
Is it normal to break so many hearts and yet feel so emotionless?
To not feel joy or sadness about life, but just feel “bleh”? Emotionless and numb?
To not want anyone around me yet want to be protected and loved?
To not know what love is, yet want to experience it?
What worries me the most is who I will be when I grow older
And whether I even live that long or that I should just end it all on my own terms when I am younger?
Ever since I received my diagnosis, I felt a sense of relief and a bit of sadness
Relief, because I now had a vocabulary to express my behavior
But sadness because this is probably a permanent part of who I am
I am gay, single, depressed, and anxious. Yet, I try to tell myself I am also strong and resilient
I know I have the power inside me to overcome my own fears
But sometimes, what scares me the most are other people
So I try not to think about it too much and just push it all aside
But then there are days when I have to face it headfirst- and those days are hard
I am still very scared and nervous, yet I want to be strong and brave
This is a conundrum, I know- but how to fix it, I still don’t know
But I do know that my mind is a tricky place and one that is very hard to control
Because it has a life of its own and an energy I can’t tame (yet)
Yet tame it I must and accept myself I must
The way I did for my sexuality, the same for my mental illness
Because if I can’t accept myself for who I am, how will others?
Editor’s note: October is #DepressionAwarenessMonth
If you or anyone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669 Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050 Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704 Sahai, Bangalore: 080=25497777 Roshni, Hyderabad: 040-66202000, 040-66202001 SPEAK2us – Tamilnadu 9375493754
Image source: Freepick on QuillaQuiver
Kanav is, as of June 2021, pursuing his Master's in Development from Azim Premji University, Bangalore. He identifies as queer for personal and political reasons and can be contacted via https://www.linkedin.com/ read more...
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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