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Dear Society, You Had Chained Me To Your ‘Sanskaars’, But I Broke Them To Feel Beautiful Again!

As someone who had conformed to social expectations of a 'good woman', I had lost out on so much. I 'discovered' myself again when I let go of these chains after my recent separation. 

As someone who had conformed to social expectations of a ‘good woman’, I had lost out on so much. I ‘discovered’ myself again when I let go of these chains after my recent separation. 

We probably have heard and read several times, how a woman is expected to conform to the norms of society. It is drilled into us to such as extent that we actually become an embodiment of someone else’s ideology, irrespective of whether it benefits us or not.

Some of the many things I have come to embody as a growing up girl was to dress properly, sit properly, behave properly, don’t backtalk, don’t laugh too loud, don’t wear tight clothes, don’t spend too much time outside etc., and the ridiculous list goes on.

For the most part of my life, I always belittled myself for not being ‘perfect’. More so after my recent separation, I was mentally suffocating and looking for an outlet to run away from the pain and deception of my marriage.

Discovering myself again

With the onset of the pandemic and the lockdown life, there was little scope to look outside. Hence I turned towards social apps; not dating apps, just social media platforms.

There began an endless odyssey of self-discovery for me. I started talking to a lot of random people, started off causally, as my embedded sanskaar kept a tight leash on me. At the age of 38, I began to come across a lot of younger guys in their early 20’s. One common feedback I always got was that I don’t look my age! I started getting flooded with compliments such as I’m beautiful, I’m pretty even that I was sexy!

Feeling beautiful again

One such interesting encounter was with a very young, charming boy of 22yrs, who actually swept me off my feet. I was amazed at how he could actually fall for me, irrespective of my age, weight, or my status.

We had some wonderful banter for few months, we’d chat every day on voice and video calls. I got so involved that not only did I start to feel beautiful all over again, but I had resurrected my overly dormant sensuality. Some of our video chats were very sensual in nature, and surprisingly I loved every bit of it. Had he been living in the same city probably we’d end up getting physical as well.

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Honestly, in such a case I would have been immediately drenched with guilt as doing something my sanskaars wouldn’t permit me to. But for the first time in my life, I was GUILT FREE!

I was grateful for this experience

Our banter ended eventually, as online affairs rarely last that long. But instead of brooding over why it had to end and was it even real etc., I felt grateful. I discovered that not everything has to be as per our sanskaars if it restricts us from being our true self. Sometimes we need to contemplate over these society embedded norms for our own betterment and freedom.  After literally hitting a vantage point in my life this was the awakening I desperately needed. This experience taught me to love myself all over again, bought me confidence, reassured my beauty & sensuality which bought a sense of empowerment.

I wasn’t going to let the chains of rejection lurk over me anymore. Nor was I going to let my sanskaars control me from being the flawsome goddess that I had now embraced being.

Image source: shutterstock

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Third Eye Blind

An eccentric woman from Mumbai, living through the rose coloured glasses, one step at a time. I believe integrity and character are timeless catalysts that read more...

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