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Motherhood is akin to a new birth for a woman. She needs a lot of support, love and care from her family so that she does not fall prey to depression.
Being a mother is the most beautiful feeling in this world. Those 9 months are just worth it when you see the first glimpse of that little face with twinkling eyes. The world around you changes so fast that your entire family’s attention is focused on that little bundle of joy.
But HELLO! I am also there. I gave birth to that child which you are holding in your hands. Look at me also. I also want similar attention and care and affection. Slowly the world around me turned upside down. I love my child the most but the loved ones in my life became distant.
I had c-section delivery with complications since I had hypertension and BP and thus the recovery was slow. I couldn’t go out much as I was alone with the kid at home, jobless, with no money and no people around (my mother was an exception though. She did visit me and stayed with me for a good period), no physical and mental love from my partner. I was depressed.
My husband used to travel to his hometown due to an unfortunate incident. His father had passed away when I was pregnant. Being the eldest kid, he had to carry out certain formalities. But I missed him, his touch and his love. I was hormonal and was uneasy. I needed him a lot. He had to work and he couldn’t take leave being the soul bread earner.
I was extremely unhappy about myself. Right from my post pregnancy weight gain, joblessness, scar on my tummy, (as if my stomach was stitched to my lower body) stretch marks, large sized clothes, everything was disturbing. Every alternate day I had a fight with my husband about he not taking care of me. I also sometimes poured my anger on my kid. I hate that period.
The most beautiful thing in my life turned into a nightmare, since I was forced to do all the things required from my in-laws and husband. As my father-in-law passed away we had to plan my brother-in-law’s wedding within a year of his death as per the “TRADITION”.
So we did that, and I had to travel everywhere with my little kid in the scorching heat to the freezing cold weather. I was upset and disturbed about fulfilling others’ wishes. None of them understood my situation.
I slipped into depression (technically it is called post-partum depression when I googled it) and just started considering everyone as my enemy. I asked my husband to send me to a mental hospital.
I started doubting myself. I was not the same person anymore. Two years passed, I was still in the same condition. My father suggested me to start work as he felt it would help with my stress levels.
I looked for a job but could not get one. The big maternity break had affected my self-esteem. I had to put false smile on my face to make the employer understand that I am suited for the profile. It was a self-conflicting situation for me. It was also because I centralized all my tasks including my job as per my son’s convenience. What if something happens to him? What if he doesn’t let me go? What if my performance gets affected and I might have to leave the job immediately? Many such questions further lowered my already shattered confidence.
I just thought that I should end my life but didn’t have the courage as my soul was connected to my son who was still dependent on me. That one smile of him and his touch and his calling me mumma had given me all the strength needed in the world. I struggled and fought with myself and said this is not the end of the road, this is not a full stop for me but just a comma. I must restart.
With my father’s help I got a job with a good salary, enough to solve our financial issues and make my husband happy. Today I understand that what I did was out of expectation and need for love. But it was wrong.
Pregnancy not just changes a woman’s physical outlook but sometimes it shatters your soul. Many things have changed; I have struggled a lot to get back into mental shape.
Before concluding, I just want my fellow women to understand that this time of life is a very sensitive one. Motherhood should not take over womanhood. I am also a human being first and then a daughter, a wife and a mother.
Image Source: Unsplash
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