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A young woman writes down her feelings since she comes to know she is pregnant – the hopes and dreams that are lost when she loses the baby at 8 weeks’ pregnancy.
I still can’t believe that you are growing inside me.
Today I got the first glimpse of you, a tiny g-sac. I am told that you are about 4 weeks old now.
We got the first inkling of your existence 10 days ago, a day before your father’s birthday and on the birthday of your maternal great-grandfather. You father says you are his birthday gift. He is elated beyond words. Your paternal grandparents, your maternal grandma, and aunts are super excited. Your maternal grandpa doesn’t know yet.
We don’t really want everyone to know about you until you are all settled and cosy in my womb. We are to have a look at you again after two weeks. My doctor says that you should be a little pole with a heart by then. We are excited!
I don’t know why but I have been nervous today since morning. And when the radiologist said that you haven’t grown up yet to be a pole with a heart and that there was no yolk sac yet, I was scared.
You are about six weeks old now. We immediately went to see my doctor. I was actually supposed to see her later in the evening, but I had no patience. She took one look at me and knew what I was going through. She had already spoken to the radiologist before seeing me. That was so nice of her. She said that your g-sac has grown, it is clear and there are no abnormalities. So we should remain positive even though it is a 50-50 chance now. She asked me to take care and to get a ultrasound done after two weeks.
You father asked me, since when have I started to be nervous, since I am a champ! But I guess your child can make you to be things you never were, even before it takes any form. So yes, I am afraid. I am praying day and night that God helps you to grow healthily, and in the way that you should be. And I know that your father is doing the same. He is all smiling and encouraging around me, but I know he is worried too. And he tells me that when I believe that God is the best planner and what happens, happens for a positive reason, I shouldn’t worry.
I have been home since the last 4 days. Spotting since a week now has kept me on the edge. It actually freaked me out on Monday late afternoon, while I was in the office. And I had your father (thankfully he was home) pick me up and I made frantic calls to my doctor.
I went to office yesterday morning but came back in a couple of hours. I think I even had a panic attack yesterday morning. Jelly legs and discomfort in my lower abdomen is not really helping my case.
Your father is out of town since Tuesday morning. But thankfully, he will be home tonight. The ultrasound is due tomorrow.
Yes, I am nervous. Honestly, I am not positive anymore. The ultrasound will confirm whether your existence has been a short-lived dream or going to become a reality. I hope you are real.
Last evening after the bleeding, I could feel that you have left. Even your father has had similar feelings since the last two days. And the ultrasound today confirmed our fears. Maybe it is for the best. God always knows better, plans better. I hope.
It has been almost eight months since you. But not a single day passes by when I don’t think how our lives would have been, how you would have looked like, if you had become a reality.
It’s crazy, isn’t it? You didn’t even take your foetal form! And yet, you have made me miserable by being gone. Since you, every month’s bleeding makes me relive the days when I lost you. I feel as if I am losing you every month, over and over again. I don’t know when this feeling will stop. At times, I think it never will.
You would have been my first child. Nothing can change that. Ever.
Image source: pexels
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