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A woman looking forward with such joy to becoming a mom after a positive pregnancy test talks of her painful journey through a miscarriage.
Ankh me kaid kiye baithi
Main ik hasin lamha
Jab meri neend khulegi to
Ye dil tootega…
The two pink lines.
That is how it started. A dream, a new begining, so many things to plan, the biggest change coming our way. Our much awaited positive pregnancy test.
It had been a long wait. But finally my time was coming.
Five days later was Valentine’s Day. I decided to tell him on that day. What a perfect Valentine’s Day gift! Meanwhile I decided to take the test a few more times. This was so magical, I couldn’t believe it myself.
Soon the Valentine’s Day surprise was over. I told him not to disclose this to our families so early. But his excitement was out of control. He told his family, messaged mine, called his childhood friends, and even his office colleagues. I imagined him carrying a dhol and announcing our news on a big speaker, while dancing to the beats. It was a time for celebrations. But what were we really celebrating? Just a dream, a hope, a far away future?
We visited the gynaecologist, and were told to come back for an ultrasound after two weeks. It was just week six, too soon for any scan, she said.
Two weeks passed. It was time for our ultrasound appointment. Strangely though, I had started spotting. A quick google search revealed that this was common around week eight of pregnancy. Nothing to worry about. But a sudden depressed feeling had started to engulf my heart. Depression was not a new entity to me. I have spent quite a lot of time in its clutches. Even days when I didn’t, I had the realization that I was depressed. That was long time back, but now I know exactly how it feels.
I was quite confident during the scan. My hopes were so high that I even imagined having twins. Why not? I was having too much nausea and my belly was already protruding.
The first question that my Radiologist asked me put me back into the arms of my depression.
‘Are you bleeding?’
‘Yes, but it’s just some spotting.’ I could barely speak, my throat felt hoarse.
‘This doesnt look good’, she said.
I suddenly had doubts on how capable she was. Was she part of some scam to cheat innocent pregnant women? This was not what I was supposed to be hearing. No, not me. Not this time.
She went on to explain that there was no heartbeat. Furthermore, the sac was irregular in shape and abnormal in size. She sounded concerned.
I went outside, to meet my eager husband. ‘Miscarriage’, just one word was enough for now.
We had to wait ten minutes for our report. Neither of us could speak a word during this time. Why are all the men in my life unable to understand, handle or express emotions? A few soothing words or just a formal ‘it would work out next time’, would have felt quite good right now. But no, all I got was his silence. And then we both looked at his phone screen as he went through some sports news.
If it would have been just a miscarriage then things would have been simpler. I would have moped around for days, planning for the next time. But, the gynaecologist told us that this looked like a partial molar pregnancy. In simple words some kind of cyst, where a genetically abnormal embryo is formed. It does not usually survive beyond a few weeks. Management was necessary as the thing was still growing inside me. She suggested medically induced abortion. But I would have to come to the hospital as soon as I started bleeding heavily because they wanted to analyze the product of conception.
Once we reached home, my husband started with the process of informing each and every person about the turn of events. ‘I was really sad, but I feel much lighter now’, he told me. I didn’t feel like crying in front of him. Emotions are not his cup of tea.
I was scared, confused, felt empty inside, purposeless. The gynaecologist had told us that we would need to wait for 6 months before trying to conceive again. All because of the partial molar pregnancy thing. We had recently shifted to a new city and I had had to leave my job. Should I look for a new job? What if I get pregnant after 6 months? Should I look for a part time job? What was I supposed to do with my life now?
I was scared. I had no idea what to expect in a medicine induced miscarriage. Will there be a lot of pain? Is it somehow manageable?
The day after I took the first pill, I started bleeding massively. There were huge lumps of blood. We rushed to the hospital. I had bad period cramps. I stopped feeling them after taking a pain killer. The doctor was successfully able to obtain the sample for lab tests. From third day onwards there was pain but it was manageable with warm water bottles. It was like a bad period pain. But it was my aching heart that was hurting the most.
One of the worst moment of my life was seeing the gestational sac in the toilet. It happened on the fifth day after taking the pill. It was a brown mass, just the size of my hand. It could have been my baby. It was more than a broken dream or a ruined future plan. I felt a loss which I could not explain even to myself. There was no physical pain or cramps after it passed.
Before experiencing this, I had been clueless about the miscarriage process. The doctor never had time to explain all the details. I never had the farsightedness to ask her many questions. Google search could not reveal much information either. Thus I wanted to elaborate the miscarriage process through this article. It is heartbreaking, some details might be gross for some, but women need to know what to expect.
As for the pain in my heart, I really don’t know when or how this would end. Am I a grieving mother or just a patient who had a uterine cyst? I don’t even know this.
Bollywood comes to rescue again. This song helped me understand my own feelings and gave words to my pain, dedicated to my angel baby…
Jo mera ho nahi paega
Is jahan me kahin
Rooh bankar milungi usko
Asmano me kahin
Pyar dharti par farishto se
Kiya nahi jata
Image source: shutterstock
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I love writing, it is an outlet, a stress buster as well as a means
Doctors should explain how the miscarriage works with more details, is part of their jobs. Hope you’re feeling better after going through this difficult situation in your life…
It seems like you just penned down my emotions, for i survived a miscarriage in my 10th week of pregnancy with the same situation where there was no heartbeat in the fetus. i am still in the self-loathing, self-mourning state. We shall overcome someday.
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