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“What if I also find myself incapable of loving my daughter someday?” is a fear this young mother to be expresses, in case a girl is born, like she was deprived of love as a girl child.
Dear mom, I felt your joy when you first found out about me in your tummy. I felt dad’s love through the sound of his breath and through the words he spoke to you. You were waiting for me to fill your world with happiness.
I heard when dad asked you, ‘do you think its a boy?’ And you replied with a positive smile. Your heart told you that I was a boy. Then relatives, neighbours, friends, everyone asked you, everyone guessed. Nobody could be sure. Even I didn’t know ma, if I were a boy. But I really wanted to be one, because that would make you happy. Trust me ma, if I ever had a choice I would have been born a boy.
And I heard your disappointed ‘oh’, in the delivery room, when the good doctor told you I was a girl. I felt your sadness ma. My heart ached, I had disappointed you. Even dad didn’t come to see me for one whole day. He was busy arranging for stuff and paying the bills, they said. But soon you both accepted me, and I was overjoyed.
You took me home. I was in love with you, also with dad, but most of all with you. I never doubted your love. In few years, bhai came, my companion, my soul brother.
I craved for your love, your touch, but you were busy tending to his needs. I understood, I kept myself busy with toys. I saw how you loved him, you never loved me like that ever. I spent my childhood seeing the two of you, hugging, laughing, sharing thoughts, eating food together, playing games together. At night, all my dreams used to be about you. Wishing that you would care, that you would for once love me like you love him.
You sent me to college far away from home, you seldom called. I missed you ma. I was not adjusting, I was lonely, I needed some one to talk to. Soon my studies were over and you married me off. ‘Finally gone to her home’, you announced about me.
I never felt at home amongst those strangers, again no one cared for my tears or laughter. As long as I did my duty, I was accepted. Years passed, I did manage to make that place my home; the strangers are my family now. You have rejected my kids like you rejected me. Bhai’s kids will be your family, not mine, you yourself told me.
And now, I am really scared.
What if I also find myself incapable of loving my daughter someday?
What if my son became the centre of my existence and my daughter would spend sleepless dark nights, holding on to the pillow cover? Imagining it’s me, trying to find comfort.
What if I married my daughter to the first accepting stranger, and then rejoice that finally she left my home?
What if I too told her to adjust, be silent, never answer back, do as others tell her and accept everything as her destiny?
Pray for me ma, that I may not reject my daughter for being a burden, a responsibility, a liability. All I want is to keep loving her ma, to give her all the love which I never got.
Image source: shutterstock
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I love writing. I love travelling. I have lived in Delhi and Pune.
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