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Why should I be expected to display my grief, or behave as if my life is over just because I am a widow? I want to live life.
There I have said it, I am a widow but I still want to live!
I recently lost my husband; or I should say I lost my best friend of 14 years! I lost my partner, my lover, my boy friend, my room mate, my son’s father, my husband! He was alive one night and the next morning he was gone. He passed away in his sleep due to a massive heart attack.
My life was shattered. I wanted to die, I really wanted to die, but I didn’t. Because I still want to live. Is that a crime?
The situation of widows has improved drastically in our society and yet some unseen shackles remain. I am not expected to wear white or cut off all my hair. But I am frowned upon when I wear western clothes, or because I have streaked hair and multiple tattoos on my body.
One of my ‘friends’ said she was sure I would be soon getting married again because “looking” at me thats what she felt! Really? You can gauge my pain, understand my feelings by just looking at me?
I am being judged for deciding to look for a job and starting to work immediately and not agreeing to mope around at home. Is deciding to gift a secure and happy life to myself and my son a crime?
I am being told again and again that my son is now my reason to live! But isn’t my being alive reason enough for me to live? Why does being a wife, and then when that is taken away, being a mother all that defines a woman?
I know, the guy I fought for with my parents, whom I loved over everyone else is gone, but I am still here, living! Is it a crime if I choose not to bow down to sorrow and be distraught with pain?
If I had been a guy, the father to my son, would these people still say the same things? Would they expect me to then stop working and stay at home and take care of my child? Or would they hurry and try to find me a good “ayah” who would help take care of him while I keep earning? Then why is it a crime if I decide to do the same thing?
Is my sanity the yardstick of measuring how much I love my husband? People tell me to be strong and yet when I am strong I am judged for being hard hearted! My grief is not a public performance. What he meant to me is and will stay in my heart. Why do I need to “show” that I am sad?
I have always believed that when life does not give you reasons to smile- laugh! Everyone has their own ways of coping with pain, I choose to work. I choose to make plans for the future. I choose to travel with my son. I choose to try and be as much happy as I can be. Judge me all you want… I choose to live!
(I would like to add not everyone has been the same. I am thankful to my friends, family, and colleagues who have stood by me in my pain and helped me get back on my feet and face the world again. I wish there were more of you.)
Image source: pixabay
A voracious reader, a writer, a poet, a die-hard romantic, a dream enthusiast, a single mom. read more...
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People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
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