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Is every issue worth fighting over in a feminist world? Can't we weed out these misplaced gender battles and focus on choice instead?
Is every issue worth fighting over in a feminist world? Can’t we weed out these misplaced gender battles and focus on choice instead?
Over a dinner with former colleagues, we hit upon an interesting area of conversation (almost as always) – men v/s women in the married set-up. I happen to know this colleague-friend for a good few years now and was thus aware of the pro-women context of her family. Fortunately, a similar environment in the house of her in-laws made the transition ever so smooth.
She narrated a recent instance from her household. While she dished out food at the dinner table for the elders around the table, she pretty much picked up a fight over doing the same for her husband. Logic – it was the respect driving her actions towards the elders of the family. But she will not ‘succumb’ to doing something for her husband just because she is the wife (read female).
This triggered my thoughts that have been gathering over a period now about how our (of the female gender) rebellion or the attitude of standing up for ourselves is sometimes misplaced. With all due respect to each one having their own back story and their own reasons, we nonetheless do attempt upholding rights when maybe it is less about the gender debate and more about the person or the situation.
The wave of female-oriented, empowerment based discussions, powerful women stating their views through the media, as well as, the rampant social media trend about the same, has probably gotten a lot of us wired up way more than needed. I am not trivializing the need to be alert and aware of discriminatory practices or the undue importance of one gender over the other. However, I am definitely suggesting that we all think twice about this “issue” and check for ourselves if a situation warrants the ‘gender-fight’ card!
It is ironic that I also recall a friend (and well, more than one at that) who is the happiest in ensuring that she manages all of her husband’s needs. She has made it a priority to revolve all her plans, commitments, routines, and so on around how her husband chooses to plan his day. None of this however, is by force or compulsion. It has been a choice always. She finds it amusing at times when I share contrasting habits from other women friends I know. For her, being this way comes rather naturally and she has no qualms being who she is.
Neither of the people I have mentioned here are ‘wrong’ and neither are they ‘right’. The bottom line remains the same – ‘individual choice’. Each of us, regardless of our gender, is entitled to a choice we make for ourselves in living life the way we wish to. Factors of country, culture, community, and/or family are equally real in that impact they have, of course. So we are then looking at individual choice within the context of the larger, macro factors in which we lead our lives. But to thus consider any of this as binding, however, is a grave error.
When a certain way of living has been practised for long, it becomes a way of breathing for us. That is how we adapt and condition ourselves to be comfortable; have a grip over our lives. Not everyone is going to be want to or be comfortable to change at the same speed. Thus, expecting all women all around to have the same amount of submission / dominance / aggression / drive to excel / career-orientation, and so on, is not only unfair but also foolish to a great extent. Being rigid about something, in either direction, is equally tricky and trouble-laden. Let us allow people to be people first, then their genders, and then everything else!
On this path towards gender growth and openness, we are likely to find people walking at different paces and of course, in different directions as well! Go easy on the judgement, thus.
To fight back is a helpful tool in moving towards a much-needed change. But to fight in a misguided direction is far more hurtful to any cause.
Image source: Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash, for representational purposes only
A clinical psychologist by choice and profession, a writer by interest. Talking and listening to people, contemplating existential questions, and day dreaming happen to be some of her hobbies. If not trying to understand and read more...
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Shows like Indian Matchmaking only further the argument that women must adhere to social norms without being allowed to follow their hearts.
When Netflix announced that Indian Matchmaking (2020-present) would be renewed for a second season, many of us hoped for the makers of the show to take all the criticism they faced seriously. That is definitely not the case because the show still continues to celebrate regressive patriarchal values.
Here are a few of the gendered notions that the show propagates.
A mediocre man can give himself a 9.5/10 and call himself ‘the world’s most eligible bachelor’, but an independent and successful woman must be happy with receiving just 60-70% of what she feels she deserves.
Darlings makes some excellent points about domestic violence . For such a movie to not follow through with a resolution that won't be problematic, is disappointing.
I watched Darlings last weekend, staying on top of its release on Netflix. It was a long-awaited respite from the recent flicks. I wanted badly to jump into its praise and will praise it, for something has to be said for the powerhouse performances it is packed with. But I will not be able to in a way that I really had wanted to.
I wanted to say that this is a must-watch on domestic violence that I stand behind and a needed and nuanced social portrayal. But unfortunately, I can’t. For I found Darlings to be deeply problematic when it comes to the portrayal of domestic violence and how that should be dealt with.
Before we rush to the ‘you must be having a problem because a man was hit’ or ‘much worse happens to women’ conclusions, that is not what my issue is. I have seen the praises and criticisms, and the criticisms of criticisms. I know, from having had close associations with non-profits and activists who fight domestic violence not just in India but globally, that much worse happens to women. I have written a book with case studies and statistics on that. Neither do I have any moral qualms around violence getting tackled with violence (that will be another post some day).