Anupama writes a letter to her 18-years old daughter. Read what she has to say.
Dr.Priya Vedi’s case shows how our refusal to accept people with different sexuality only leads to misery for all concerned. Can we be more accepting of those who identify as queer?
The ‘Agnipariksha’ of the ‘Sita’ never ends. Since time immemorial, women have always been the solitary ones put to test; a test to prove her innocence, a test to prove her fidelity, test to prove that she is the coy Indian bride who irrespective of how well educated or well-read, has to incessantly strive life-long to be the sole torchbearer of marital bliss. The Indian woman is the unsaid and unappreciated ‘Hercules’ of our cultured-Indian society and her shoulders bear the weight of her family’s ‘Izzat’.
So, when Dr. Priya Vedi decided to end her life because it was increasingly becoming unbearable for her to carry the weight of the innocuous, yet obnoxious family ‘izzat’, her decision suddenly caught the living room-syndrome of the country. Everywhere there was a buzz of how a promising life was wasted. Her colleagues talked about how cheerful she was at work, her friends spoke about how lovely the couple were, and everyone else who did not know her were talking about how she could have taken the easy route of divorcing her gay husband rather than choosing such a radical step. May be she did, may be she did not – but who are we to judge her?
The Indian woman is the unsaid and unappreciated ‘Hercules’ of our cultured-Indian society and her shoulders bear the weight of her family’s ‘Izzat’.
We live in a society where patriarchal values are so profound and deep-seated that it is very difficult even for a well-educated young woman just to walk out of her dying relationship. A society that is always ready to blame the woman even if the man is at fault! A hypocritical and biased society where a woman has to constantly fight for her place; first to be alive in her own mother’s womb, then to be born alive out of it, and then the life-long struggle of soaking up all the rejections that come her way, fighting them valiantly, sometimes failing and sometimes emerging victorious, but every time just on her own, alone.
As women, we all are expected to endure whatever comes to us with ease. Whether it is the demeaning tone ridiculing the colour of the skin or the ridicule at not looking married; whatever the tone, the same reaction is expected: accept it. And I am sure Dr. Priya Vedi was also expected to do so. Her father-in-law’s comment soon after her death that ‘it is the responsibility of the Indian woman to make the marriage work’ reflects not only his thought process, but also that of countless other Indian fathers-in-law and other Indian men and women.
As women, we all are expected to endure whatever comes to us with ease.
Maybe, Dr. Priya did whatever she could in those five years of marital life. Maybe, she thought that with her love and dedication she could change the sexual orientation of her husband. Maybe, she thought she could have an otherwise normal marriage and a straight husband. Maybe, she thought she could change the deception she had been administered and have a happy married life. Yet after all these efforts and after all the daily pretending, it was seemingly unbearable for her to carry on with her fake happy life. What triggered her to take the extreme step is a question which will never be answered. Probably, the prolonged internal and physical battle she was exposed to bore its fruit by taking away her life. Probably the depression of the relentless mental and physical torture, of not being able to share the pain with her family and friends because of the imposter called the ‘izzat’, was too much for her to condone any further.
When I think of how Dr. Priya Vedi shared her life with a person who had a different sexual orientation, I am instantly reminded of a movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. One of the many lives shown in the movie was the life of two queer men, one Indian and another a Britisher, one married with a child and another staying unmarried because of his different sexual inclination, separated because of the perceivable social and religious alienation they faced because of this different sexual inclination. One accepting what he is and the other pretending to be what he is not; one choosing the life of solidarity, while the other chooses the social decree.
I somehow manage to empathise with the husband of Dr. Priya Vedi because he did not choose what he was, he was born with it. And how ever much Dr.Priya or anyone else would have tried changing his sexual preferences they wouldn’t have succeeded. Being born in a country and in a society where being queer is legally illegal and socially unacceptable, the predicament that Dr Priya’s husband faced forces me to empathise with him.
Being born in a country and in a society where being queer is legally illegal and socially unacceptable, the predicament that Dr Priya’s husband faced forces me to empathise with him.
However, somehow, I am not able to sympathise with him. Why? Because although he had different sexual preferences, he was a well-educated, independent man who could have convinced his parents and stayed away from getting married, thereby sparing another human being and her family of all the trauma and deception. Instead, he chose to get married consciously and torment an innocent life to the extent of pushing her to the brink. I cannot even imagine what Dr. Priya would have gone through to see her husband having sexual relationships with other gay men, who were common friends, and all that she was entitled to for being a supportive and secretive wife was his apathy and abuse. A constantly throbbing open wound, which got freshly wounded every day and all she could do was pretend, pretend that everything is unscathed and unhurt!
Things could have been different and a life could have been saved if Dr. Kamal Vedi, Priya’s husband, would not have taken the decision of marriage in the affirmative. The tag of being a ‘social outcast’ and the accompanying shame for himself and his family drove Dr.Kamal to accept the social diktat of getting married to the opposite sex. But what gave him the right to ruin and rampage another innocent life? The devout orthodox mentality of society and accompanying shame compels many men and women to hide their real feelings and go by the book.
There are countless men and women who share similar feelings and live with their queer partners all their lives even bearing their children. But what is the daily mental torture and pain these men and women go through because of our age old social diktats? Why are we being judgemental about these people? Life must have been hard for both of them. The least.Dr Kamal could have done to spare both of them the pain was to either stay unmarried or leave the country and stay in a place where being queer wasn’t a social taboo. Deceiving your partner by hiding things that matter for a happy married life and pretending that everything is just fine is not the solution.
It is like duping our own self from accepting reality on the pretext of following the regressive social norms thereby ending up in a living hell. Sharing a lifetime with a queer partner is extremely distressing and depressing for the other, so the least we can do to protect her/him is to spare her a sham relationship by making a choice, the ‘right choice’.
This post was first published at the author’s blog.
A conceptual image for discrimination via Shutterstock
A part time backpacker, an accidental baker, a doting mother, a loving wife, a pampered
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