- About Us
We will be in conversation with Nikita Singh and talking all things love and books! 22nd Feb Mumbai | 23rd Feb Bangalore.
How to tell if you are in a toxic relationships where one partner makes the other feel inferior or ‘grateful’ for their love.
Recently, I met a few of my old friends who are all stuck in their complicated love lives for a long time. As the most surprising element during these talks with my friends, I found that these guys are using the same decade-old tricks to make women fall prey, and that even mature, independent and smart women are getting caught in these traps.
On the one hand, while this pathetic situation makes me feel sad, and compassionate toward duped women, on the other hand, it also compels me to warn women to not get hoodwinked into these traps any more.
I understand that the decision whether you-are-with-the-right-guy, and whether he-deserves-to-be-your-life-partner is important and critical, and that women must be very careful in making that decision. But, at the same, we also need to understand that the older our relationship gets, the more difficult it becomes for us to come out of it. So we must refrain ourselves from holding a broken glass for a long time as it would only hurt our hands eventually.
I have observed that many girls in our country get stuck in relationships due to feeling constantly obliged to their partners or boy-friends for some favours their guys do to them. Since birth, we face situations where males are given preference over their female counterparts, conditioning us to feel inferior to guys. So when even justice is being done to us, we feel that some favour is given.
…we need to realize that relationships are give-and-take in nature, and that nobody does any favours to his/her partner in a relationship.
However, we need to realize that relationships are give-and-take in nature, and that nobody does any favours to his/her partner in a relationship. I would urge women to stop feeling pressurized, obliged, or favoured, and not base any marriage decision or long-term commitment on this. If your partner is generous to you and treats you well, you deserve it. And moreover, if your partner shows his generosity as a favour, he is most probably not your true lover.
Hardcore Mantra: There are NO favours in a relationship!
A lot has been written on how-to-find-the-right-guy or the-Mr.Perfect, but I believe this is a matter where you should mostly follow your gut feeling. However, we can definitely spot the ‘wrong’ guys and cross them out if we analyse our relationships carefully. I have tried to recollect some common sentences which such guys use (maybe in different ways) to beguile women into their traps.
Let’s take a look.
Some guys use this sentence when they ask a girl for the first time to go on a date, have sex or anything which they think is otherwise difficult to convince her. This statement gives guys a chance to project a nice, decent image while asking something which otherwise might project the opposite image.
Mentioning that you are the first girl I am asking-out/taking-phone-number/ inviting-home etc casts an impression that he is not a flirt, and that the girl should feel lucky for he is making her this great offer. My question is, “If you really have never asked this to anyone, why you are mentioning it to me?” This was a choice you made (or did anybody stop you from asking this), and who knows why you didn’t ask this to any girl before.
This is something which guys tell mostly teenager girls, because that is the peak age when the ‘character’ issue becomes a major concern for every girl in our society. Girls start thinking that this guy is like my ‘messiah’ for he is so concerned about my image in society, and he takes care of my image so well in front of others.
However, in reality, if the guy had really supported his girl among a group of backbiters, he would tell his girl about it as a favour done. Someone who loves you truly would never let you feel down even after something really bad has happened behind your back. Guys say this also to show that even if there is a perceived bad image of the girl in the society, I am still there for her (as a favour).
This is a rather controversial statement. I have seen that weak-minded men use this statement to stop girls from breaking off the relationships. It’s generally used by guys when there are frequent fights, misunderstandings, or temporary break-ups happening in their relationships. However, in 99.99% of cases, nobody would ‘die’ from a break-up of a relationship. And moreover, if the guy is truly in love with the girl, I wonder why he needs to mention this. I believe that saying something like this only shows that you want your partner to be there even if things don’t seem to be working – you insist that she should stay for you under that pressure of your ‘life-and-death’.
Guys use this sentence to show that they are in high demand in the market (of eligible bachelors), so their girls must value them. My question is, “If you really have so many other offers, why are you still here for me?” There must be a logical and practical reason behind this. “Are all the other girls (who are supposedly waiting for you), better than me?” If no, I think then it’s pretty obvious why you are still here for me! If yes, and you are still here for me for you truly love me, your mentioning this shows that you think you are doing me a favour. Remember the hardcore mantra!
This statement is the most pathetic of all. When your partner tells you that he is embarrassed to be with you, or he is ‘stuck’ in his career, life because of you, he truly deserves to be left immediately – break up with him! A true lover would tell you “how-lucky-he-is-to-have-you-in-his-life”, not “how-lucky-you-are-to-have-him-in-your-life”.
I am not saying that you should break up with your partner because of small misunderstandings, fights or issues, but surely, you should not stick to a relationship which always disappoints you, keeps you under some pressure, or makes you feel inferior. It’s always, as I said earlier, a tough and crucial decision; and many times we stick to our relationship because we lack the courage to imagine a life without ‘him’; but, trust me, life is more beautiful out there from that caged relationship than you can ever imagine!
I hope the points above help you spot the ‘wrong’ guy and put the final nail in the coffin of your long trailing relationship.
If you have any other point to add from your past experiences, please write in comments. Your feedback, suggestion or comments are valuable for every woman who is reading it!
Couples concept image via shutterstock