Things The World Wanted Me To Be And Things I Chose To Become Instead…

Both men and women are all born with a prescription, handed over to us much before we even know if that’s what we want to do... 

Both men and women are all born with a prescription, handed over to us much before we even know if that’s what we want to do… 

Choice and consent are something, that’s rare in its rawest form, even today, no matter what aspect of our lives we pick up and have a deep look at. Our days, and hence lives are deeply manipulated, controlled, and directed by everyone else around us, except us.

We have chosen to hand over the power to them, almost unconsciously. If we are awakened, our delusional world of fake happiness would shatter, and it would hurt. We don’t want to feel pain. We don’t want to suffer. At least not in front of the world. 

It’s okay for us to suffer within. We learn to internalize the pain, put up a happy face, and show up in the world that discourages authenticity. It prescribes. It wants us all to become like each other, even if it’s against nature. We all run behind the same things, share similar goals. We compete. Someone is always better or worse. 

We feel superior to some and inferior to many. We compete more. We burn out. But yet, we don’t gather the courage to look inward objectively. We don’t examine our deepest desires and motivations for being the way we are. Because we are busy in the business of the world.  

The prescription 

The prescription is designed not just by our families (or parents) alone but indoctrinated by the society and the culture we are born into. There is a certain way of living life, that others decide for us. They do all those things to us, exactly in the way it was done to them. 

When sometimes, somewhere, someone disagrees to live by these standards, gathers the courage to follow their heart, listen to their inner knowing, they are labelled as outliers & rebels.  

So, the rest of us, quickly change the gears, and we fit in, even if we know it in our bones that we don’t, yet we pretend. As those kinds of labels scare most of us. We seek certainty, safety and security. We find comfort in belongingness, despite the fact that we are living a big fat lie. 

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But we find solace in hiding within the herd, and walking along with the others with our heads down, eyes anchored to the foot of the fellow walkers ahead, like sheep. When thoughts arise, that’s radically opposite to the path that we have already taken, we push them aside, shove them under the carpet of lies. 

Lies that we pass on as a legacy generation after generation. Life passes through us, while we remain numb. Seldom do we connect with our authentic selves. Rarely do we know who we really are, what does our hearts yearn for, what’s our calling?  

A Slice of My Own Not-Yet-Figured-Out Life 

I didn’t know either. I was born and brought up in a middle-class family, in a small town in east MP, now Chhattisgarh. My parents did their best always to bring me up in the best way they knew it would be for a child like me. 

I was bright in school, always amongst the toppers, meticulous in any work that was given to me. I learnt music, went to a convent school, left home at the age of 15 and moved through bigger towns and cities for better education, found the perfect job, and a hefty salary that at that point, was too much money for me to handle. 

So, I gave in to the consumerist capitalist culture that was staring at me with big eager inviting eyes, ready to soak me all in its glory. I also became very self-indulgent. I would spend hours in a shopping mall, or a beauty parlour, or just drink away the night with my friends and colleagues. I embraced the big city life with open arms. 

I jumped up the ladder, switched companies, had the privilege to work with some incredible bunch of professionals also great humans. Life looked great, aspirational for many who were far behind me in the race. My place in the world would make some feel inspired, while others were envious. And this fueled my ego. I was on cloud nine. 

The Nudge 

But all those years, there was a part of me, that felt disconnected from the part of me that the world knew. There was a nudge. A periodic nudge that came and went. But I chose to look away. I chose to follow the prescription, the checklist with these line items – I had to study hard, get a good job, marry a good boy, have some kids, and have a good and happy life ever after. 

I was doing fairly well, you know. Life was kind. And I worked hard. The only ambition, that I thought I had then was, at least I would retire as a successful career woman, if not become a CEO or an MD of any company. I would be financially independent for life, who would buy her own diamond rings whenever she needed to buy one with her own money. Lol! 

Honestly, I never felt ambitious inside, but I had to be one, else everything that I was doing seemed meaningless. And we humans, want to derive meanings, right? Our conscious logical but limiting little mind wants to make sense of everything. 

It doesn’t like uncertainty and ambiguity or subtlety. When I didn’t get promoted, even when I deserved it, I was okay. But others told me, that I must fight for it. That I must make myself visible. 

They told me I was being too nice and complacent. So, I rose up to the occasion. I worked harder, made some efforts to make myself ‘visible’. Still, it didn’t work, when it didn’t have to. And to my surprise, my work got noticed and I got rewarded, when I expected it the least.  

But truth prevailed. I wasn’t happy. Rather, I didn’t feel purposeful. I didn’t know, despite having it all I would feel this void, a bottomless pit in my stomach. Today I have words to define it. Back then, I was as clueless I ever could be.  

The Battle Ground 

1.5 decades of my adult life went by, without a pause, in a flash. I hadn’t burned out as yet. But things started falling apart on their own. It felt like a bigger and louder nudge this time. You know they say, when you don’t pay attention to the messages from the Universe, it won’t stop you from going where you need to go, but it would just make it mighty harder.  

So here I was, in the middle of a battleground, fighting for things I didn’t know I would have to fight for. My Mother’s depression, my miscarriage, and my years-long battle with infertility showed up when just having a job that could pay my bills seemed enough, forget about getting promotions and becoming visible. I also couldn’t care less about the material life that I had drowned myself in. I was in pain. I was suffering. I couldn’t hide it from the world.  

The Healing 

Time heals all wounds, even the ones we are allowed to fester by not paying enough attention to. Slowly over half a decade, everything went back to normal. I could pick up every broken piece and build it again from scratch. But this time, life seemed different. I felt different inside. I felt more connected. To something, I didn’t really know what. I finally felt at a peace, I hadn’t felt in years, I think never.  

I became a mother, and we moved to Germany. On a whim, I quit my job and instead of becoming a more successful corporate woman, chose to become a full-time stay at home mum, who would occasionally backpack around Europe with her infant and husband living a nomadic life, who would do the dishes, cook 3 meals, do the laundry, and also occasionally look for a job that would bring her financial independence back, in a country where fortunately English is not the first language.  

The Inner Knowing 

Life wasn’t perfect on the outside and I definitely didn’t look anything like how I was used to looking at myself. But it felt just right inside, deep inside. And it scared me. But the fear of not being fearful, when nothing in my life was fitting into the prescription was scary.  

But now I knew what it meant to be at the right place at the time doing just the right thing that was meant to be. And I wasn’t ready yet to let go of this unusual feeling of being in a happy space, fulfilled, content, figuring my way to connect to my purpose. 

The Metamorphosis 

There wasn’t moving much on the outside, but inside I felt turmoil. In my cocoon, I was safe, but I was always transforming, metamorphosizing, into what I love to say- ‘Becoming my own version of a beautiful butterfly’. 

The culture prescribes us to hustle. Inaction is looked down upon. We are supposed to strive always for more. But here I was, who was happy living unbelievably messy motherhood with stains on her clothes almost all the time. I didn’t look perfect. But felt perfect. I had started to feel life. I no longer cared about how it looked, but I was immersed in the joy of how I felt. I felt like I was at home, that was inside my own body, mind and soul.  

I had embarked on this inner spiritual journey, which was so profound and beautiful. I started writing, blogging, reading. I had never done all of this before. I had the privilege to spend more and more time in nature, go hiking, learn new things, gather novel experiences. I did it all. The most remarkable shifts that changed my life completely were when I turned a vegan, became a minimalist and embraced conscious living as the only way of life.  

The Purpose  

Just a few months back, I enrolled in a course to become a professional Reiki practitioner, triggered by an emergency situation a friend was in. I was away in another country and I felt this strange urge and desperation to be able to help. While I was still doing the course, I started sending her distance Reiki treatment. And it worked.  

The sense of fulfilment I have received hence through healing myself and others is something that money truly can never buy. It’s inexplicable joy, when I have tears welling up in my eyes, reading some heartfelt messages I receive from my clients every day. They are all spread far across the world in different time zones, who are receiving healing energies from me, for any kind of physiological, emotional, psychological, financial or even spiritual concerns.  

And to top this up, the best thing that has happened to me, just a few weeks back is that I completed my certification in past life regression therapy. Now I am actively helping people to heal in a more holistic way, with going back in past and healing their traumas from childhood and other past lives, that’s affecting their current life.  

It all may sound very strange to you if you have never heard or been exposed to the world of energy healing, or its various modalities. Neither had I. But there is nothing I would trade this life for, for all that I have today, for things that I am doing.  

I finally feel alive in every moment. I feel connected to my purpose. And I didn’t know that I would go on to become a writer, and most importantly a Light Worker. I don’t earn for myself yet. I donate 100% of the money I receive through my healing work.  

So, you see, life has taken me through a journey that has departed tremendously from the path that was prescribed to me, only after I started listening to my intuition and following my heart-mind, and not the logical mind. 

The Growth 

This isn’t a success story. And I am not for once saying that, this is how we all must live. This is my story, where finally after completing 35+ revolutions around the sun, I feel like I am now living, and not just existing. I am fiercely aware and immensely grateful for the privileges I have, which is instrumental in supporting my journey.  

My partner, who has given me the space to grow as a complete person. There are shared responsibilities in our shared life, where individual growth is at the top of all our priority lists. While he manages the finances, I manage the home. We have made these choices to help each other live our life following our inner guidance, with as much authenticity as we can and also pass the authenticity as a legacy to our only daughter.  

Creating a life that sparks true joy, moment by moment has been our only constant endeavour. This helps us put our best selves to the fore while keeping our foot firmly rooted to the ground, mindful of the fact that growth isn’t a destination but a continuous journey. We are all an eternal work-in-progress, not just in this lifetime, but for many more to come in future and forever. This is our individual soul’s journey. 

We don’t take life so seriously, but we also do not give in to the whataboutery of the world. This doesn’t mean, there are no dull moments in our life. Because that’s inherent and inevitable right? But we are able to pause, take a step back, observe and act. There are still buckets of bucket lists that we have for ourselves individually and as a family.  

The ‘….’ in the heading of the title signify, that the growth never stops. Life is Education. Growth is eternal. And learning and growing through living life following your soul’s true path in the most authentic way, is the only way we want to live always and forever. 

The Revelation 

Life would surprise you, only if you give it a chance. Only if you choose to listen to your inner knowing.  

Give life all you have in the best possible ways you can before life takes away everything that you have in ways that you never want it to.  

Image source: An image from Ki & Ka

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About the Author

Tanushree Desai

I am Tanu – I am a Light Worker – A Certified Spiritual Coach, Usui Reiki Master & a Past Life Regression Therapist. I love to write and can spend an incessant amount of time in nature. read more...

10 Posts | 19,159 Views

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