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“I Am Convinced That What I Seek Is Intimacy, But What I Get Is Sex”

Posted: December 31, 2019

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Are love and lust interchangeable? Is intimacy the same as sex? What is it that you seek? Is it love or is it intimacy?

What is love and what is lust?

What is sex and what is intimacy?

I do not know the difference

From sharing nudes on Grindr to sleeping with strangers,

From talking dirty to leaving hotel rooms in the middle of the night,

I ask myself: “Why do you feel guilty after indulging in pleasure?”

Why do you feel lonely after having sex?

Why do you repeat this cycle day after day, month after month, year after year?

I am convinced that what I seek is intimacy, but what I get is sex

What I seek is love, but what I get is lust

But what I am unclear about is how to escape this maddening cycle

The constant buzz on my phone, asking me for my “tastes and likes”

The constant demand for my nudes and the constant enquiry about my fetishes

The constant pressure to look good and to look “hot”

The notifications, the messages, the questions- I can’t take it anymore

There are moments when I see myself from his gaze- Less of a human and more of an object,

An object of desire, lust and sex

Mixed with this desire is hope for love

A hope that maybe he will be “the one”

Thus, I rarely complain

Yet, I feel so confused, lost and trapped

My body wants sex, but my soul yearns for love

My body wants his body, but my soul wants his mind

My body wants his lips, but my soul wants his thoughts

This is a battle- between the body and the mind, and I am unable to make sense of it

What is love and what is lust?

What is sex and what is intimacy?

I still cannot tell the difference

Picture Credits: Pexels

Kanav Narayan Sahgal is a post-graduate student at Azim Premji University, Bangalore where he'

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