If you are a professional in an emerging industry, like gaming, data science, cloud computing, digital marketing etc., that has promising career opportunities, this is your chance to be featured in #CareerKiPaathshaala. Fill up this form today!
An easy guide for creating a gratitude journal for yourself, to learn the art of saying the good old "Thank you!" before setting expectations or demanding anything from a wife or daughter in law.
An easy guide for creating a gratitude journal for yourself, to learn the art of saying the good old “Thank you!” before setting expectations or demanding anything from a wife or daughter in law.
When a woman gets married into an Indian household, the burden of expectations looms large in front of her. No matter any lip service to “keeping her happy” that is done.
We don’t expect anything but we just expect you to cook once for our relatives. You have to fast for your husband because it is the tradition in the family. Touch the feet of your husband on these patriarchal festivals… it goes on.
Many women tend to normalize these things at the cost of their mental health and peace. It is the time to speak up!
While in-laws are ready with a check-list of traditional and cultural codes to be followed, here is the list of gratitude codes which in-laws must keep for handy use for their daughter in law:
Be eternally thankful to your daughter in law’s parents if the wedding expenses were borne entirely by them
In the Indian context, men and their families often have hidden expectations that wedding expenses is the responsibility of bride’s family. We live in 21st century or wait, do we?
We might have brought equality amongst brides and grooms in education and many a times in their salaries too, but patriarchal traditions remain biased towards men. As much as we dislike it, this has been a common practice with many people with higher education level too.
The groom’s family asks the bride’s family, ‘what’s your budget?’ Isn’t this question itself asking for dowry covertly?
I have heard many men saying that their wives taunt them on this throughout the life. If this passive aggression has to be curbed, it is better to tackle the root cause of this problem. Share the load, as a popular detergent advertisement says.
Be thankful your daughter in law, if she and her family agrees to marry according to your traditions.
A groom’s family usually has upper hand in a traditional wedding, but wait a second! I understand you have your traditions, but would it hurt too much for you to keep some room to understand traditions of the bride’s family? Keep a check on yourself if you do insist only on your traditions, or see that it is happening in any wedding.
Show gratitude to bride’s family if they are liberal enough to marry your way, arrange for foods you like, and never forget to say the good old Thank you.
Be thankful to your daughter in law if you expect her to change your son.
As it is said, ‘Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men.’ Please do not expect your daughter in law to do the emotional labour of correcting the effects of your bad parenting. If she is doing this, you must worship her.
Women, please do not think that it is your job to treat a full-fledged man as a child. His parents need to work on him before you marry him. Respect your individuality and agree for equal partnerships.
Men, work on yourselves. You can do way better. Please do not let patriarchal traditions and expectations lower down your standards. Be a fit partner for 21st century woman.
Be thankful to your daughter in law, if she ‘produces’ a child because of your ‘coaxing’.
In this era, woman have a choice to be a mother or be child free. It is entirely a decision of the couple. Before you decide to trespass the boundary and tell her how she should be using her uterus, prepare yourself for a backlash. If she is not calling you out on this behaviour, please be eternally grateful to her.
So next time you say, ‘when am getting grandchild?’ do some research on her choices. She may want to be child free or adopt a child and not put her body through the physical labour of producing a child.
Be thankful to your daughter in law if she is learning to do cooking and household chores your way.
Patriarchy tells us that women learn the ways of husband’s family. Well, that’s a choice she makes, and if she makes one, be grateful. Ask her if she likes cooking. If not, you spend your time doing what you like to eat.
If you feel burdened with household chores and cooking, you need a domestic help and not a daughter in law. Be mindful that you had a better opportunity to pass your skills to your son. If you could not do this in years, you have very dismal chance to change your daughter in law.
Be thankful to your daughter in law if she agrees to dress up your way.
It is appalling that people expect their daughters in law to put ghoonghat, Indian attire, or loose clothes in front of the men. If you have these ‘rules’ in your family, you need to keep a check on the kind of men you are raising in the family. She should not need to be ‘protected’ by her clothes, your men need to be civilized.
Keep a gratitude journal for your daughter in law and keep finding more reasons for being thankful to her.
Image source: a still from the movie Dum Laga Ke Haisha
Priya Tripathi identifies herself as a feminist, bibliophile, survivor and a runner. She believes her upbringing in small town in a highly patriarchal set up has been a blessing in disguise. It helped her to read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!
Shows like Indian Matchmaking only further the argument that women must adhere to social norms without being allowed to follow their hearts.
When Netflix announced that Indian Matchmaking (2020-present) would be renewed for a second season, many of us hoped for the makers of the show to take all the criticism they faced seriously. That is definitely not the case because the show still continues to celebrate regressive patriarchal values.
Here are a few of the gendered notions that the show propagates.
A mediocre man can give himself a 9.5/10 and call himself ‘the world’s most eligible bachelor’, but an independent and successful woman must be happy with receiving just 60-70% of what she feels she deserves.
Darlings makes some excellent points about domestic violence . For such a movie to not follow through with a resolution that won't be problematic, is disappointing.
I watched Darlings last weekend, staying on top of its release on Netflix. It was a long-awaited respite from the recent flicks. I wanted badly to jump into its praise and will praise it, for something has to be said for the powerhouse performances it is packed with. But I will not be able to in a way that I really had wanted to.
I wanted to say that this is a must-watch on domestic violence that I stand behind and a needed and nuanced social portrayal. But unfortunately, I can’t. For I found Darlings to be deeply problematic when it comes to the portrayal of domestic violence and how that should be dealt with.
Before we rush to the ‘you must be having a problem because a man was hit’ or ‘much worse happens to women’ conclusions, that is not what my issue is. I have seen the praises and criticisms, and the criticisms of criticisms. I know, from having had close associations with non-profits and activists who fight domestic violence not just in India but globally, that much worse happens to women. I have written a book with case studies and statistics on that. Neither do I have any moral qualms around violence getting tackled with violence (that will be another post some day).