Check out 16 Return-To-Work Programs In India For Ambitious Women Like You!
An easy guide for creating a gratitude journal for yourself, to learn the art of saying the good old "Thank you!" before setting expectations or demanding anything from a wife or daughter in law.
An easy guide for creating a gratitude journal for yourself, to learn the art of saying the good old “Thank you!” before setting expectations or demanding anything from a wife or daughter in law.
When a woman gets married into an Indian household, the burden of expectations looms large in front of her. No matter any lip service to “keeping her happy” that is done.
We don’t expect anything but we just expect you to cook once for our relatives. You have to fast for your husband because it is the tradition in the family. Touch the feet of your husband on these patriarchal festivals… it goes on.
Many women tend to normalize these things at the cost of their mental health and peace. It is the time to speak up!
While in-laws are ready with a check-list of traditional and cultural codes to be followed, here is the list of gratitude codes which in-laws must keep for handy use for their daughter in law:
Be eternally thankful to your daughter in law’s parents if the wedding expenses were borne entirely by them
In the Indian context, men and their families often have hidden expectations that wedding expenses is the responsibility of bride’s family. We live in 21st century or wait, do we?
We might have brought equality amongst brides and grooms in education and many a times in their salaries too, but patriarchal traditions remain biased towards men. As much as we dislike it, this has been a common practice with many people with higher education level too.
The groom’s family asks the bride’s family, ‘what’s your budget?’ Isn’t this question itself asking for dowry covertly?
I have heard many men saying that their wives taunt them on this throughout the life. If this passive aggression has to be curbed, it is better to tackle the root cause of this problem. Share the load, as a popular detergent advertisement says.
Be thankful your daughter in law, if she and her family agrees to marry according to your traditions.
A groom’s family usually has upper hand in a traditional wedding, but wait a second! I understand you have your traditions, but would it hurt too much for you to keep some room to understand traditions of the bride’s family? Keep a check on yourself if you do insist only on your traditions, or see that it is happening in any wedding.
Show gratitude to bride’s family if they are liberal enough to marry your way, arrange for foods you like, and never forget to say the good old Thank you.
Be thankful to your daughter in law if you expect her to change your son.
As it is said, ‘Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly raised men.’ Please do not expect your daughter in law to do the emotional labour of correcting the effects of your bad parenting. If she is doing this, you must worship her.
Women, please do not think that it is your job to treat a full-fledged man as a child. His parents need to work on him before you marry him. Respect your individuality and agree for equal partnerships.
Men, work on yourselves. You can do way better. Please do not let patriarchal traditions and expectations lower down your standards. Be a fit partner for 21st century woman.
Be thankful to your daughter in law, if she ‘produces’ a child because of your ‘coaxing’.
In this era, woman have a choice to be a mother or be child free. It is entirely a decision of the couple. Before you decide to trespass the boundary and tell her how she should be using her uterus, prepare yourself for a backlash. If she is not calling you out on this behaviour, please be eternally grateful to her.
So next time you say, ‘when am getting grandchild?’ do some research on her choices. She may want to be child free or adopt a child and not put her body through the physical labour of producing a child.
Be thankful to your daughter in law if she is learning to do cooking and household chores your way.
Patriarchy tells us that women learn the ways of husband’s family. Well, that’s a choice she makes, and if she makes one, be grateful. Ask her if she likes cooking. If not, you spend your time doing what you like to eat.
If you feel burdened with household chores and cooking, you need a domestic help and not a daughter in law. Be mindful that you had a better opportunity to pass your skills to your son. If you could not do this in years, you have very dismal chance to change your daughter in law.
Be thankful to your daughter in law if she agrees to dress up your way.
It is appalling that people expect their daughters in law to put ghoonghat, Indian attire, or loose clothes in front of the men. If you have these ‘rules’ in your family, you need to keep a check on the kind of men you are raising in the family. She should not need to be ‘protected’ by her clothes, your men need to be civilized.
Keep a gratitude journal for your daughter in law and keep finding more reasons for being thankful to her.
Image source: a still from the movie Dum Laga Ke Haisha
Priya Tripathi identifies herself as a feminist, bibliophile, survivor and a runner. She believes her upbringing in small town in a highly patriarchal set up has been a blessing in disguise. It helped her to read more...
Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!
People say that women are the greatest enemies of women. I vehemently disagree. It is the patriarchal mindset that makes women believe in the wrong ideology.
The entire world celebrates International Women’s Day on March 8, 2024. It should be a joyful day, but unfortunately, not all women are entitled to this privilege, as violence against women is at its peak. The experience of oppression pushes many women to choose freedom. As far as patriotism is concerned, feminism is not a cup of tea in this society.
What happens when a woman decides to stand up for herself? Does this world easily accept the decisions of women in this society? What inspires them to be free of the clutches of the oppression that women have faced for ages? Most of the time, women do not get the chance to decide for themselves. Their lives are always at the mercy of someone, which can be their parents, siblings, husband, or children.
In some cases, women do not feel the need to make any decisions. They are taught to obey the patriarchal system, which makes them believe that they are right. In my family, I was never taught to make decisions on my own. It was always my parents who bought dresses and all that I needed.
14 years after her last feature film Dhobi Ghat, storyteller extraordinaire comes up with her new film, Laapataa Ladies, a must watch.
*Some spoilers alert*
Every religion around the world dictates terms to women. The onus is always on women to be ‘modest’ and cover their faces and bodies so men can’t be “tempted”, rather than on men to keep their eyes where they belong and behave like civilized beings. So much so that even rape has been excused on the grounds of women eating chowmein or ‘men will be men’. I think the best Hindi movie retort to this unwanted advice on ‘akeli ladki khuli tijori ki tarah hoti hai’ (an alone woman is like an open jewellery box) came from Geet in Jab We Met – Kya aap gyan dene ke paise lete hain kyonki chillar nahin hain mere paas.
The premise of Laapataa Ladies is beautifully simple – two brides clad in the ghunghat that covers their identity get mixed up on a train. Within this Russian Doll, you get a comedy of errors, a story of getting lost, a commentary on patriarchy’s attitude towards women, a mystery, and a tale of finding oneself, all in one. Done with a mostly light touch that has you laughing and nodding along.
Please enter your email address