The Secret Thoughts Of A Broken Girl (Part 6)

Posted: September 26, 2018

These are the thoughts of a broken girl. An ordinary girl in a busy world trying to make sense of whatever life offers her. Just like you and me.

To feel your heartbreak is grace

The world has messed up happiness for popularity and a pretty face. It has even messed up more when there is a constant barge of positivity videos that crowds our timelines.

Oh! Timelines… isn’t that where we live now? No one misses anyone. They only miss the updates. If you are pretty in the photographs with lots of friends and wear those charming clothes, no one might even ask if you are going through something tough. Being sad, unhappy has almost become a vice. They keep hammering our heads on how we should stay positive. And keep away from all that is negative. As if people who go through phases of negativity are pariahs in society. Meant to be shunned. And we would want them to disappear. And like all billboards, we would only want the happy ones.

But don’t let that discourage you. Don’t let that define you. When you are sad. When you are heartbroken. When you feel unloved. You have all the right to be in your shells. Feel your brokenness. Address your pain. Don’t let the new age positivity fool you. No human is wired only to be happy. Only to see the good in the world. Grief is a part of the vast human experience. In secret, it is your fodder for growth. It is your bridge to the unknown.

So girl, even when they say you’ve got it all, even when they question if you have anything to be sad about, go and mourn when your heart is grieving.

You don’t owe an explanation to your pain. When it comes to you, you address it. Your pain needs no validation. You need no approvals. You are free to grieve your heart away. In a world, that demands a happy face, grieving is the most courageous thing you can do. To feel your heartbreak is grace. Let no one ever rob you of what belongs to you. Like your happy face, your grief too belongs to you.  Because one day it will rain and the broken heart will grow again.

Loneliness is like a wounded childhood

Loneliness is like a wounded childhood, that as an adult you don’t know how to deal with.

It’s like that ordinary day, you gasp for breath. And in another 15 minutes, you rush yourself to the doctor. The doctor gives you a few tests. You sign the papers and pay. Someone leads you to the ECG room. You lie on a cold bed. The nurse arrives. You try to act cool. Ask the nurse if she is from Kerela. When she responds, you ask about the flood. She says her family is safe. She asks you to bare your upper body. You do.

Then she fixes a few plugs on your chest. The machine runs and a paper weaves out. That small piece of paper has the record of your heart that has beaten even when you were broken. You ask with a bright smile, “Nurse, sab thik hai?” She waits for the reading. You call God. That moment is loneliness stinging its fang on you. The nurse asks you to see the doctor.

Again someone leads you to the x-ray room. There you are supposed to wear just a cotton gown. And nothing beneath your upper body. For the first X-ray you stand before a machine. And in the second you lie on a cold bed as a machine scans your back. That cold bed is where loneliness stings you one more time. You still act cool and ask the technician, if everything is all right as he scans through those two black plastic papers. He takes you to the doctor. He enters, you wait with your report.

Loneliness is that minute when you hold the reports of your own heartbeat in your hand, and don’t know if you are going to make it.

In another 3 minutes, you are infront of the doctor. The doctor smiles and says, you are perfectly fine. Just that it’s stress. He suggests rest. Writes two medicines. You thank him. And walk out.

As you take the rickshaw back home, you breathe hard. You had just being stung by loneliness. To avoid it, you call your best friend, who is a doctor too, and tell her. You both act really chilled. But the mouths feel bitter.

Loneliness is like a bad childhood that stings you in the happiest nights.

In that cold bed, where the nurse plugs those tubes for ECG, you act brave. You take God’s name. That exact moment is loneliness.

Loneliness gently tells you that you are so ordinary and will wither one day. Loneliness humbles you and how!

Not everyone reads to evolve

When I was young and stupid, (now, I am old and crazy), I was a judgemental prick. I used to read a lot, and I thought only people who read were evolved or worthy of a great conversation. Rest, I thought were second class citizens. But then we all graduated, life happened. Life held me by my shoulders and put my face on mud. It was only then, with mud on my face, that I realized that people do different things. That even if one did not read, they lived amazing lives.

Not everyone reads to evolve. Some paint. Some parent. Some put make up beautifully. Others change tyres proficiently. And evolve.

Not everyone quotes a poet. Some design airplanes. Some maintain them. Some built houses. And once I looked beyond my own judgment, I realized they too are doing fine.

We had a hired help at home for a few days. His name was Heera. He helped us maintain, clean and build our kitchen garden. He worked on it as if his life depended on it. Once the work was done, the garden took our breath away. I have never seen a more beautiful garden. I could spend hours in that garden. It hit me then, some people evolved and grew building garden, some by reading. Of course Heera never had the class privilege of going to school or reading. Most of the things we judge other people with are also class privilege. Who knows if Heera was born to my parents, he could have been a better writer than I am.

Now, that I am tad bit wiser (mud on the face teaches one a lot), I stopped being that judgemental prick. And the floodgates of gifts opened in my life. Some cooked food. Some healed. Some listened. I realized that I was no better than those religious bigots, who could not stop proving how their faith is better than others. Replace reading by faith here. Now, as I am open to diversity, life is peaceful. When you don’t judge, you have a better life. And people around you breathe. And that brings the best out of everything.

My stupidity made me lose a lot. But then, I learnt. Life is treating me well. With people, you just need to hold the door, for them to be who they are, and you will be absolutely amazed by the gifts everyone brings. This is the richest phase of my life. My house doesn’t have a label, called terms and conditions anymore.

Life humbles me and how!

Image source: Unsplash

Proud Indian. Senior Writer at Women's Web. Columnist. Book Reviewer. Street Theatre - Aatish. Dreamer.

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