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Are you an over giving woman who gives too much of your time and energy to people who might be taking you for granted and draining you of energy?
It was October last year. I was angry most of the time – and exhausted too. The breaking point came, when in a meeting a friend texted me to tell me that she had something important to say.
Before you judge me, let me tell you that I have always been there for her, dishing out hours of pep talk and listening to her woes.
But some people don’t know when to stop. It was obvious within a minute that nothing was important enough for her to have texted me in the middle of a meeting. She knew my meeting was important.
And I knew that I was depleting.
I called my therapist A. ‘A’ asked me to see her. That was when I was told that I was over giving – and that I was exhausted.
How many times have you heard someone – or perhaps yourself – say, “I hardly get back what I give.” If you’re the one who is saying it then perhaps you too are suffering from ‘over giving’.
Over giving is not generosity.
Generosity is a wonderful thing and the world needs it. But over giving is self negating. Generosity comes from an over flowing cup, over giving comes from a half filled or empty cup. As life coach and spiritual teacher Iyanla Vanzant says, “What is in the cup is mine, and what overflows is yours.”
The problem with us as a culture is that, we have worshipped the givers. As a friend said, “Karna gave it all, but dude, he got killed. That’s the lesson from giving it all. You die. Someone else walks off as the king.”
Unless we want to die, it’s important to set boundaries – as takers hardly do.
Here is a rule – have you ever questioned why you give so much? You may hate it, but in most cases you give to compensate the fear of not being enough. Over givers mostly have a belief that if they give, they will get.
Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love talks about her experience of over giving, after she became really rich once her book became an international bestseller. She wrote: “When I lost my friends, it was because I had used the power of giving recklessly on them. I swept into their lives with my big fat cheque book, and I erased years of obstacles for them overnight – but sometimes, in the process, I also accidentally erased years of dignity. Sometimes, by interrupting his biographical narrative so jarringly, I denied a friend the opportunity to learn his own vital life lesson at his own pace. In other words, just when I believed I was operating as a dream facilitator, I was turning into a destiny disruptor.”
I agree with her. When you over give, you stop nurturing yourself. You start acting from a barren place. What you do not give yourself, it is impossible to give to others without hurting yourself.
Iyanla Vanzant once said: “When you put yourself last, you put God last.” Whether or not you believe in God, there is an intelligence that has created you. Honour that. You have to nurture that power within you, to thrive in life. If you are getting depleted, you have all the permission to walk out or build a wall. And remember, when you put yourself last, you put that intelligence last. How do you expect to thrive putting the creative source last?
Give yourself first. The world can wait!
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Published here earlier.
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Proud Indian. Senior Writer at Women's Web. Columnist. Book Reviewer. Street Theatre - Aatish. Dreamer. Workaholic. read more...
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Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise.
Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.
Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!
When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.
Women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths.
We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?
A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.
Let’s examine this a little closer.
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