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Why do married men hit on single women and feel that we should be grateful for it too? Here’s a fitting rejoinder to these men.
Being a single woman in the late 20s is tough. We don’t really get a chance to meet new men. Just the ones from our daily routine – colleagues, cab drivers, security guards, delivery men. We register ourselves on dating sites strongly believing that we could make it happen. We try to be very social, and attend every play, concert and comedy night with friends and friends of friends…
In our devoted search to find our man, we encounter a category of men who are most readily available. They are everywhere, in abundance. This is the most UNDESIRABLE category of men, rather the category that should be disqualified: Married men who hit on single women and love doing it!
These men have completely contaminated the entire social framework for us. They start out by wanting to be friends and have deep, soulful conversations, followed by borderline inappropriate compliments, asking out for harmless lunches, dinners, movies to finally making sexual advances. They fail to realize that we may be available, but not for them.
So, here is my list of 8 things married men love saying to the single women they are persistent to pursue, based on some unfortunate personal experiences, and experiences shared by friends.
We did have meaningful conversations in the beginning. That is how I became interested in talking to you. But soon your primal, carnal, disloyal, creepy self took over. The only conversation you could eventually make was “You look so hot! What a sexy profile picture!” Agh!!
We barely talk to teach other, let alone…I don’t believe everything you say but I am not surprised. I wonder why she hasn’t divorced you yet.
Let’s catch up, anyways you don’t have family. I don’t. But you do. I can’t believe you are so casual about sabotaging it!
Well, I am so glad we didn’t! I feel bad for your wife. I am happy that I get to reject you now, and would have been happy to reject you when you were single.
What research! What study of evolution! But wait a minute? That shouldn’t apply to you anyway, because you are a pig!
I can give you everything you want….How generous of you! I guess you mean you could give me your divided time, pay for a few dinners and drinks and satisfy me sexually as well. Guess what?
I am an independent woman. Not looking for your money. I am really not interested in the time that you should probably be spending helping your child with their homework. And do you know India’s population and sex ratio? There are so many single men who can give me what I want. You are just wasting my time which I could spend on finding and meeting somebody I could have a committed relationship with.
We have shared so much. We would be great together…What words of wisdom! You cared to make up so much crap to sleep with me?
Would any single guy you date necessarily marry you? Nice logic. But I do not wish to be with someone who wants to commit adultery and causes unhappiness to another woman.
Finally, I want to say this to all married men on behalf of single women:
Yes, we are single but not desperate. We may be lonely at times but we still have a strong sense of morals. We may like to talk to you or even hang out with you but that does not mean that you should try your luck any further.
We are really NOT INTERESTED in you, not even for casual sex. We have better options there too among single men. So please behave yourselves and stay within your boundaries. Have some respect for us, as well as the sanctity of the institution you have chosen to be a part of. Please don’t test your marriage and our tolerance. You are making a fool of yourself, and playing with fire.
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I like to write about the problems that have plagued the Indian society. I feel
Emotional cheating is cheating too bang on irrespective of you being single or married
Hi Deepa, Thanks for sharing your thought. It is very difficult to define emotional cheating, which is why some people use it as an excuse to justify cheating in the traditional sense.
I don’t really see the problem here. If married men try and flirt and have casual sex, it’s up to each and every woman to decide on her own whether she wants to proceed or not. Some women don’t like it, others may…who knows? As a personal preference, it appears you don’t like to date married men. That’s great. But why speak for all single women?
P.S: Married for 10 years.
Yes, I am not interested in married men. And you are probably right, I should not speak on behalf of all single women. Ultimately, everybody make a personal choice and I do not wish to be the moral police.
Just wanted to understand, is it okay for married women to also have casual sex or are there boundaries there?
The gender of the married person doesn’t make a difference. Each marriage is different, and we can’t generalize or have uniform rules for all of them. Maybe it’s an open relationship. Maybe they’re separated. Maybe it’s an implicit understanding. Who knows? The way two people interact and live together can be very complex. Very often there are no easy answers, or black and white situations.
Of course, sometimes there ARE black and white situations. Like physical domestic abuse for example. That is plain wrong – no grey area there. Marital rape – wrong. Etc etc.
But purely interpersonal relations? That’s very messy.
If one wears foggy glasses one can only see blurred lines. If marriage is no longer understood for its principle but rather only as a meaningless ritual or custom there’s bound to be a lot of confusion and variation of how it is regarded or practised. So now it is very much a case of different strokes for different folks. As long as both people in the relationship are on the same page of honesty and have an agreed understanding about where they are heading and what they hope to achieve by being together in an open or closed marriage (or relationship) it is fine. But the sad truth is that a lot of the time people are not being honest with themselves or each other about the self centred and often devious motives for being in a relationship (even in a marriage)for personal gains and conveniences. They may seek the same elsewhere or in as many places as they can- perhaps for the best ‘deal’ as it were. One may even be deceiving oneself and the others that it is the best way while the other may be feeling cheated, hurt or exploited and this can be a sad and dark experience. This is why many are afraid to commit nowadays to a commitment- that seems one in name only!! So they prefer to remain single.
Hi Sonia, as always your thoughts are balanced and well articulated, thanks for sharing. I want to be liberal but somehow I cannot understand the concept of “open relationship” in a marriage. Like you said, once can choose to remain single. Marriage to me means loyalty and commitment. But then, each to its own.
Hi Tanvi, I wish sociology was taught in schools -it helps us understand so much of the social system we call society. From a sociological stand point marriage and family have a very specific function. The function is to provide the basis for stable, continuous and mutual exchange based relationships between partners and among family members so that human social life becomes more convenient and sustainable. There are a set of socially defined (now they have taken the form of legal laws) norms (rules)that govern the workings of these relationships. These when followed gives the ‘structures’ of marriage and family their stability to persist in this and the generations to come. The larger goal is – that when families are stable then society as a homogenous group (for eg. Indian society) itself will be more stable (because the smaller social structures are also stable). This is as opposed to what happens in the animal world where mates change frequently and offspring gain independence and autonomy over their own survival at very young ages. Thus there is no need of family. In the social world of human relationships each relationship has a set of roles- husband/wife, father, mother, child etc (with duties and responsibilities and privileges too) When these roles expectations are not being met then technically(socially and legally) this relationship does not qualify to be considered as intact or functional and therefore can be dissolved and ceases to exist. Therefore in a court of law and socially too, infidelity is considered a breakdown of role performance and reason enough to dissolve a marriage. The divorced persons therefore need not be bound by the expectations assigned to a married person and ceases to enjoy its privileges too. In practise a lot of variation has always existed – so many cheating husbands and wives may have never filed for divorce. That is an individual choice but the majority will follow the norms. When the majority no longer follows the norms, the social structures (marriage and family) will undergo a change in terms of expectations or they will disappear completely. For eg in countries like Denmark or Sweden only one in four children have parents who are married to each other or have been ever married at all. So marriage is soon becoming threatened or non existent as an institution there, however legal rules governing live in relationships (of some duration) and child care rules may instead become very strict. In countries where populations are dwindling(again Sweden and Denmark) -biological parents have serious legal responsibilities and obligations (violations of which are punished seriously) towards their children but not to each other at all because the State too is not concerned about that. (They believe and have proof that adult men and women are equal, independent and capable of surviving on their own equally well in their truly welfare states) Instead they are concerned that the future population is growing, and will be safe and secure and that survival of those societies will not be threatened due to a lack of population. Society’s norms keep undergoing changes and individuals always work within that broad framework. In Indian society today our marriage laws (and even more so traditional patriarchal social norms) define the expectations of marriage and the liabilities from failure of role performance. So we still mostly function within that framework as individuals and as groups. Other variations we see and hear are still considered aberrations.
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