Read on how to enrich your life by purpose, i.e. to find depth and, a reason to get out of bed each morning, your own Ikigai.
Interfering in others’ lives is considered normal in Indian society. Here are 5 reasons for having a baby Right Away that I’ve been given!
Are you newly married? If yes, then you’re lucky for a while, but not for long. But let’s just say you’re married for 2 years now. I’m sure you must be bombarded with a lot of unsolicited advice about taking a step ahead in your life – starting your own family and having a baby.
I am married for 3 years now and will celebrate my 4th anniversary this year in October. I’ve been asked by many when I shall be taking that big step, and given many reasons why I should, some of them really strange!
In the first place, I feel, who are you to tell me about how to go about things in life? Especially a thing as personal as this? And this comes from a set of people with whom I barely talk, we hardly communicate and know each other. We don’t know each other and here you come, unabashedly giving all the not-so-required suggestions. And the nosy relatives! Why can’t they mind their own business?
Making a baby takes time and effort. Start now. So once, we wanted to buy some furniture for my MIL’s room. And after scouting a number of shops, we finally found the right shop and the right piece that we were looking for. This took 2-3 days, visiting a couple of shops and finally placing the order at the right shop. After signing the deal, on our way to home, I was really happy and relieved that we could finally make the choice and was pondering about the same while driving.
And while on the way, I also learnt from my MIL that just the way it took so much effort for us to find the right furniture, it will surely take a bit time and effort to make a baby! I mean what logic is this? Or maybe the logic is correct, but what timing was that? We were talking about furniture and then automatically the entire topic now shifted towards family planning!
Means of filling up empty time. One Sunday evening, while watching a movie together with family, during a break, my husband A asked if we could go to the mall to buy some stuff. Now one thing with A, is that he can’t shop during sale period (and it was sale period then). Also, when the place is too crowded, he’s not able to shop again. He would move around, look up some stuff but won’t buy, because the place is stuffed with too many people. And that was the reason I was a bit reluctant to go.
His parents asked him what he wanted to buy, to which he casually replied, nothing specific, just general time pass. We were anyway home, watching TV all day, so it would be a bit of change.
To this we get to hear, that we should surely have kids now, so that we’ll not get bored and won’t do unnecessary time pass! While they as well have nothing to do most of times! So having a baby would resolve lot of things! Again, what he proposed and what answer he got were two completely unrelated things.
You have time this year. Next few years will be too busy. Let’s just say, no one is getting married this year, so that’s the best time to have a baby. Because next year X may get hooked up, the year after that Y and then Z. So there will be no time later. But this year looks completely free and empty. How about filling it up with a baby?
Well, how about completing it with yearly goals, learning a new thing, excelling in work, increasing the number of work hours so that there’s no time at all to get bored?! Just because no one is getting married or there are couple of weddings lined up next year, therefore this year is the best to have a bun in the oven sounds completely absurd to me.
Everyone else is having kids. Because you were the first one to get married and now your friends have started having kids, though they got married after you! Is it a competition of ‘who makes baby first?’ that is going on? Had that been the case, A said, marriage wasn’t the thing that was required. Babies could be made out wedlock as well! (Oh I am so glad he backs me up every time this topic comes up).
Your biological clock is running out. Because before 30, you should have two kids with a minimum gap of three years between the kids and you are already running out of time! Du-uh! I am 27 and I have ample amount of time! And who said we want two kids?
I know it’s an important part of life and I’ll do it only when A and I feel comfortable about this. Other than us, I don’t think anyone has got any right to decide, pester and lecture us about it every other day!
How about eating good food, hanging out with friends, partying occasionally, working hard the whole week while relaxing and chilling on Sundays? All of these sound great to me. As of now. It may get changed later, of course.
What do people say to you? Do they bug you with such inquiries and unsolicited advice? Do you answer back right away? Let me know if you do, because I really need some new answers and I might just use yours.
Published earlier here.
Image source: annoyed woman by Shutterstock.
Teacher by profession, child at heart. Blogger. Dreamer. Free spirited. Compassionate. Mystical. Music Lover. Die
Hi Geetika, ofcourse having a child or not is completely the couple’ choice, but our society is yet not changed completely. Our parents’ generation is still alive and strong. India is known to provide free advice. I would say just ignore and go about your way. But do not ignore your close friend’s and relative’s advice…because lot of women and men today are facing infertility issues and infertility clinics have more of young couples under 30 visiting than those days when only 35 to 40 yr old couples did the visit. (Just my bit of free advice 🙂 ) On the whole the article is well written !!
Thank you for your kind words.. I’m glad you liked it 🙂
What you’re saying is totally justifiable, and makes sense as well, but when such advises come from people I barely know, we hardly see other’s face in whole one year, and that one single time they meet and reach to this level, that is where it becomes a turn off.
Not to mention, inquiring about further details, is something I don’t like to entertain.
But these things look pretty normal in our society, and that is why I have made peace with it 🙂
Thanks for dropping by 🙂
Hi , Its true that there are lot of people who still believe marriage should end with a child. I was surprised to find comments from women who feel its true that you should have a baby immediately after marriage. I had my kids (twin boys) 9 yrs after marriage, only at the time when I wanted them. Once you have kids you need to take care of them too. There has to be a compatibility within the couples too. It took us five years to understand each other. In case one feels that they should be a beautiful mother of a teenager they should end up marrying at an early age. I believe we should go for kids only when we want them, not for the sake of the society. The urge for motherhood and the compatibility between the partners are the two important factors which should not be missed before the birth of the child. In case these are missed then the child gets neglected after his birth.
Exactly my point! I feel overwhelmed to read your views. And that is the best thing for any writer.. resonating with the readers.
Having a baby is one’s own decision.. One shouldn’t be succumbed to it.. And ignoring the issues that couples have, and having a baby to cover the gap (as baby bridges the gap) is insane. Yes, it may bridge to an extent.. But that’s not guaranteed.. What if things gets worse, and post baby, it’s always about the baby.. It will only be the child who will bear the consequences of fighting parents. That also needs to get sorted.
It was wonderful to hear from you 🙂
Nobody has the right to advice a couple on when to have children, not parents, not friends, not so called well-wishers. It is solely the couple’s decision and everyone else should mind their own business unless and until approached by the couple for some insight/input.
I agree with you Shail. But somewhere feel that parents, close friends’s advises aren’t that bad, and even they should respect the decision their child/friend is making. After all, if one is expected to make a baby, then one must be mature enough to make their own decisions.
Thanks for the read 🙂
Thanks for writing this Geetika! In addition to not having a child because the couple may not be ready for it yet, there could be another reason – What if the couple doesn’t want a child? This is pure blasphemy in Indian society today but I think it’s a valid reason. If I don’t have any maternal instinct, why should I unnecessarily call for something I may consider a burden?
I’ve been married for three years. The pressure seems to be just about building up. I’ve been coming up with innovative answers to the god-annoying ‘good news’ question. keep calm & have a baby if & when you want it girl!
Thank you so much for understanding. It is this space that one must learn to respect. And one never know the inside story, ever. What if the couple is already trying for the baby, or what if the couple is probably seeking for, God forbid, Divorce, or what if the couple needs therapy or counselling, or may be they don’t want the child in the first place. There are billions of reasons, and one isn’t required to answer and justify their choice to each and every person they meet.
I’m glad we’re on the same page 🙂
I got married at the age of 30 and chose to settle certain issues in life rather than plan a baby right away. Everyone I met bombarded me with baby planning advice. So much so that I started to shun social interactions and events. I am 36 today and struggling for the last two years with infertility issues. But believe me I could have had infertility issues at 30 as well and for that matter even at 25! I see girls as young as 19 visiting infertility clinic I visit. I don’t regret my choice of not having a baby when I was not ready for it. And for all those who unsolicited advisers I have only one thing to say that having or not having a baby is a personal matter. People are well aware of their biological clocks, I was! Still I took a decision that suited me. Becoming a Mother is undoubtedly a beautiful feeling, but its not the only thing that makes you a complete woman or defines a marriage. It is an overrated concept in our society. It is strictly personal and should be treated this way only.
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