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The world has come a long way from the days when every woman necessarily had to get married and have children for a stable life. Today, it is a matter of choice, a matter of priorities.
Most of us fondly remember our childhood days. Days where we had no responsibilities, no earning pressure and it was just playing and studying that mattered. Friends and cousins meant the world to us and the only pressure we felt was probably during our exams. That innocence, that free spirited attitude, that warmth in relationships with relatives, neighbours and especially cousins and friends takes a step back when we get busy in our own rat race of earning money and bringing up our family. Though I agree that a few relations do not change with time, it’s also true that one needs to give time to nurture those.
Just when I was thinking on these lines, I got a call from my college friend. She was in town and wanted to catch up. We decided to meet in the morning when my daughter goes to school. She came over in the morning and we had years of catching up to do and gossip to share. She was still the same. Same in looks, attitude, and in her spirit. I knew that she was not married, but didn’t know whether it was by choice or by chance. We were so engrossed in our gossip that it didn’t really matter, but some where it was still playing at the back of my mind. I was curious.
At last I gathered my courage and asked her about her plans for getting hitched. She mentioned that it was her conscious decision and she doesn’t intend to get married, rather she told me that she doesn’t feel the need to get married to anyone. This statement of hers was not a surprise for me, as there are many acquaintances and close friends who think on similar lines. She told me that she was doing extremely well for herself financially, she has loads of good friends who land up whenever she is in need, she roams around with like-minded single friends, can go for a holiday when stressed without checking anyone else’s schedule and many more such things. Her life sounded not less than a fairy tale to me.
I asked her if doesn’t she feel the need to have a special partner whom she can share her life with? To which she told me that she hardly finds time for herself and it would be an injustice to involve another person in her life and not give him the required time and attention. Also marriage is not about just one person. His parents also do come in the picture, their expectations, adjustments etc. and she thinks will take away her independence and dampen her spirit. Her aim is to ultimately be happy.
I was looking at a different angle of this marriage institute all together. It does bind you to some extent but if you get a good partner it makes it all worth it. Having someone to walk with you is far better that walking alone is what I told her. But yes it’s a gamble…it’s a risk…but it’s worth a chance. She obviously disagreed.
She told me about a scenario wherein the girl gave in to the parental pressure and got married. Now, both husband and wife are so busy that they have decided not to have a child consciously. Having a child is a big responsibility and they do not want to do injustice to the baby by having a maid as a substitute for the mother, or taking obligations from grandparents. A child is the primary responsibility of the parents, and if the parents are not in a position to do justice to this responsibility then there is no point in getting a child in this world. Help is very much needed to bring up a child but it should be just a help and not offloading the whole responsibility on others. I agreed to what she said. Having a child should not be the reason to get married.
In today’s world where mostly both husband and wife are working in a high pressure environment, taking care of a child is a challenge. Day care, full time maids, grandparents’ help (when they should enjoy their retired life) are just simple adjustments to bring up a child. But what about all the priceless moments and experiences of enjoying your baby, the new role and being with that small bundle of joy? Most moms who continue with their corporate job, carry the guilt of not being around for their child in the growing years.
The key point here is “your own happiness”. Taking an aware and conscious decision is very important, because if one just goes with the flow and follows the sequence of the traditional life of getting married, having children, along with being a part of that money earning rat race, then sooner or later the guilt, frustration, will set in and then there will be grim chances to reverse the decision.
After getting to know someone who had a different view point, I was convinced that there is nothing right or wrong. What is wrong is blindly following things, nor questioning them, staying in guilt, staying in a limbo. It’s for sure that our societal fiber is changing and for women, after being financially independent their need for marriage has been diminished. Even if someone gets married, there is a lot of thinking which goes in to planning for a baby, unlike in a traditional set up where it was expected to be so.
For sure, marriage as an institution would be challenged in the coming years and the definition of family will change. A few decades ago a family meant a joint family with grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc. Slowly the uncles and aunts and cousins found their way out and only grandparents remained. Over the last couple of years, a family now means a nuclear family with just a couple and their children. Over a period of time, in many cases the children will disappear and so will the spouse. Family will then just mean the individual!
In today’s world when everyone is running, adjusting, compromising, with another person leave alone his/her family, having a child will complicate matters further.
In my opinion one should not judge people who take a conscious and aware decision in life. They know themselves better and they know what they can or cannot handle. Divorce rates are increasing, kids are being raised by maids…..
Not travelling a path is better than ruining it by not enjoying the journey and living in guilt the whole life. What I concluded after talking with my friend is that ultimately it all boils down to how happy you are with your decision because getting stuck where you don’t belong causes you great pain. Take a well informed decision; after all it’s your life.
Our chain of discussion was interrupted by the door bell, and there she was… my world! She hugged and kissed me and said “you are the best mom, cause you gave my favorite food in my lunch box.” That moment I was very proud of myself to have taken a conscious decision 6 years ago:)
Image source: woman in hotel room with laptop and food by Shuttershock.
I am a simple person always in search of new things to write about. Complex human emotions and the study of various behaviors interests me. I am a non religious person, but believes in one read more...
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Chetan Bhagat had no business slut shaming Uorfi Javed or any other woman. If he wants to 'guide' young men in the 'right direction' then he should take accountability for his words.
Chetan Bhagat, one of India’s bestselling authors, thought it was an ingenious idea to slut-shame Uorfi Javed, an Indian actress and influencer, at the Sahitya Aaj Tak literature festival.
“Phone has been a great distraction for the youth, especially the boys, spending hours just watching Instagram Reels. Everyone knows who Uorfi Javed is. What will you do with her photos? Is it coming in your exams or you will go for a job interview and tell the interviewer that you know all her outfits? On one side, there is a youth who is protecting our nation at Kargil and on another side, we have another youth who is seeing Uorfi Javed’s photos hiding in their blankets.”
Uorfi Javed responded with a video on her Instagram stories calling out Bhagat’s bluff. She shared the screenshots of his previous chat conversations with Ira Trivedi, author and yoga instructor, which came to light during the #MeToo movement.
While boys are taught to naturally own the space they enter, girls are taught to give up, to accommodate, to adjust since "it is their primary responsibility to keep families and relations together."
Yesterday, I was watching these 4 young girls around 16 – 17 years old play badminton. They were having fun, goofing around with all 4 of them equally involved in the game.
In some time two of their male friends joined them, and as part of round robin, the 2 boys replaced two of the girls. All good.
As the play continued, I started noticing a change in the way the game was being played. The shuttle was played most of the times between the two boys and there was a sense of competition and aggression brought in. The other 2 girls playing soon starting losing interest in the game as they hardly got any game time. Even if the shuttle came towards them, the boy in their team would move and play that shot. They soon moved to the sidelines as the boys continued to play.
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