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Why is it so tough for us to talk about relationships to our children? Why does the word 'sexuality' a taboo? Should it be so?
Why is it so tough for us to talk about relationships to our children? Why is the word ‘sexuality’ a taboo? Should it be so?
In India, as is with many other countries, much of our culture is shaped by the media. Movies, television, magazines are all prime sources of information and misinformation. Among the most popular culture media, there is a recurring underlying theme – love and relationships.
From ‘how to be single’ to ‘how to keep your man happy in bed’, we are constantly being told how to live our lives and what we ought to do to be in or out of relationships, and how to keep our partners happy. Many at times, these articles use tactics that promote jealousy, possessiveness, and/or use of sexuality as a weapon.
Movies like Kaho Na Pyaar Hai, Murder 2 and Dabangg sexualize and glorify aggression, stalking, force and harassment. We have never been taught that a ‘no’ actually means no! In many of our movies, for example, when a woman says no or tries to physically move away from the male actor’s grip, he refuses to acknowledge her. We are shown and subconsciously taught that if your partner gets jealous when you talk to someone else, (especially, your partner’s friends) then s/he likes you. Of course, in the movies everybody knows that the hero is a ‘good guy’, but in real life that distinction is not so easy to make.
So, it is no surprise then that today young girls and boys take jealousy, possessiveness and aggression as forms of affection. This combined with the fact that many families do not discuss relationships openly makes it difficult for young boys and girls (and even some adults) to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Some characteristics of an unhealthy relationship are listed here.
Many adults take teenage relationships very lightly owing to the fact that teenage relationships seldom last very long. However, it is important to note that while these relationships may not last, the impact that these relationships have on your children last forever. Their experiences in teenage relationships go on to shape their views and perceptions of future relationships, making it incredibly important that parents talk to their children about what a healthy relationship looks like.
A healthy relationship is built on trust, mutual respect, effective communication and of course, consent. There are no elements of harassment, jealously, possessiveness or mind games in healthy relationships. To put it simply, in a healthy relationship both partners are equal and have an equal say in the decisions that affect them both. Decisions on things like – who you can to talk to, what to wear, who pays for the food, where you go and when to get back. These may seem very trivial, but these seemingly mundane decisions and conversations, often pave the way for bigger and more impacting decisions like sexual activity and consent.
Healthy relationships need to be taught from a very early age. The sooner individuals learn to respect other people’s decisions, the better partners and individuals they will make in the future. It is important that girls are taught to be assertive and independent, and boys are taught to respect girls and/or women and their decisions. It is not always the case that men dominate or harm women, but unfortunately, due to the current societal structure, men tend to harm or pressurize women (in terms of sex or sexual activity) more than women pressurize men, because men can get away with it.
While parents may not want to acknowledge the fact that their children are engaging in sexual activity, it is a reality in today’s world. Individuals from around the age of 15 onwards experiment with sex. They will do so with or without your knowledge. This is not to say that every girl or boy who is 15 or above is having sex, but it is to say that there is a high likelihood that your child is engaging in some form of sexual activity, be it kissing, touching or sex. If this comes to you as a surprise, maybe now is a good time to educate yourself and talk to your children about safe sex, consent, saying ‘no’ and teaching them to respect their’s and their partner’s decision. It’s important to realize that educating your children about sex doesn’t mean that you are advocating sexual activity, it just means that you are opening up a dialogue with your children enabling them to be better and smarter decision makers.
Talking to your children about healthy relationships may be awkward at first, but they need not be. If parents engage actively in their children’s lives, and relationships, sex, academics and friends are all discussed with equal importance, your children will trust you more and be better informed if and when, they commit to a relationship and/or sexual activity.
It is important to realize that at some point in your child’s life there might be a partner. Whether the partner comes in high school or college or after marriage, a happy relationship is the end goal and for that, it’s important that both partners are equal in the relationship and they both respect each other.
Some simple ways of promoting conversations around healthy relationships are listed below.
Image of a worried daughter and mother via Shutterstock
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'Dr Saloni will take care of everything,' my MIL said. My cowardly husband refused to go against his mother’s wishes. I was left to fend for myself!
Some time ago, I went to a marriage ceremony with my parents. It was a very high-profile marriage – not the ones we usually were invited to – but in this case it was Ramesh uncle’s son’s marriage. Ramesh uncle was my father’s first cousin. He began his career as a humble elevator operator at the TIC business group. With his sheer hard work, grit, and the knack of sensing the right opportunities, within eighteen years he became the president of the company. My father and he were the best of friends during their school time.
Half an hour before the stipulated time, we left our house, hired an auto and reached the venue. All four of us were in our best outfits. Getting out of the auto and looking at each other, we were highly convinced that we were going to fit in just right. As we crossed the dazzling and beautiful portico, we felt very insignificant compared to the big lawn and building lying ahead.
Mother was wearing all the jewellery she had got, including the big old-fashioned necklace, earrings and shiny bangles. Father was wearing a velvet coat, brother had put on a light orange shirt with a black check coat, I myself was wearing a red salwar kurta with a net dupatta. I had put on a necklace with red beads which at the time of wearing looked very pretty to me. Now looking at the other guests, I felt all four of us must be looking like clowns who had come for a fancy-dress competition. I felt my brother and parents were also feeling self-conscious and uneasy now.
Live-in relationships are legal in the eyes of the law. Read on to know more on the rights of women in live-in relationships.
Live-in relationships may sound exciting. But sometimes they become complicated, especially for women and the children born from a live-in relationship. It’s important to be aware of rights of women in live-in relationships.
Live-in relationships are where a woman and man live under one roof with mutual consent, like husband and wife, but without getting married. This has become very common in metropolitan cities these days, where two independent people simply do not want to get married. This relationship can be terminated without the consent of the other party.
Live-in relation may not be recognized completely at the social level, but Indian law does consider this relationship to be legal.
Celebrating the SC judgement on decriminalizing same sex relationships? Spend the weekend immersing yourself in these two brilliant pieces of film celebrating a truly inclusive world.
In a regular column exclusively on Women’s Web, Anushree brings you exciting stuff to watch over the weekend, from a feminist point of view. We can promise you – no dull weekends again. You can see all of The Feminist Eye pieces here.
Too little. Too much. Too boring. Too exciting. Too violent. Too tame. In all of the situations, sex was an issue, and sometimes that lack of it was a symptom of something else.
I don’t remember exactly what I was watching, but I remember the scene on screen quite clearly. A young couple was sitting at a table, with sheets of paper open in front of them, and reviewing one another’s sexual performances for the past week, as well as sharing what else they would like incorporated into their sex life. The intention of the bit, I suppose, was to underscore how ‘weird’ these two characters were, and the person sitting beside me concurred.
“Seriously, who does that?” My friend asked the room at large.