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Paromita Bardoloi, writes a letter to every single woman, on what it means to be single and why every woman should explore herself.
Dear Single woman,
I hear you. I know you. I see you. I am you too.
We live in a society, where we are fed into the whole notion of ‘Prince in a white horse.’ Our fairy tales, folklores and not to mention, Bollywood reinforces us each time, that we are complete only when we meet the other half. Raj is happy, only when it is Simran with him. Yes, we are fed in our sub-conscious to be Simran, waiting for Raj. Our popular culture throws in love, in a very absurd way. We need to look good (Read thin and fair) to find our other half.
The whole concept of ‘The big day,’ and ‘The other half’ had made generations of women feel inadequate being themselves. It is rarely that our culture has talked about building a woman as an individual, to explore one’s potential.
There are so many myths about being happy that it takes so long to actually demystify them. So, the first myth is how a partner ‘Completes’ us. The truth is that, no one can ever complete us. Two complete people can join into a journey but no one can complete you and finish your unfinished business. People are here to help you, not to walk your journey. No matter how much you loved or was loved in return, you still got to learn your own lessons.
Let me make a confession. I had two almirahs. One I had all clothes that I wore everyday and the other, the clothes I would buy and thought I would wear those dresses when my life will be perfect. And what perfection meant to me? A soulmate, travels, big money and my own house. Think about hoarding your life, here I was. So, I would live in crumbs but refuse to open my treasure. Waiting became a habit. I would live in a future that is not promise and wile away my present.
So, I put my best into an almirah that I never used and rest I put in the one, that I did use. Ofcourse I would complain, how I never had the best that I wanted. But was it not me, who put her best in an Almirah, which I refused to open. I always resented the fact, from the deepest core of my heart that I was single. So life gave what I gave to it. Resentment.
One fine day, when I was done with my resentment bit, I opened my unused almirah. And took out whatever I had. Lo and behold, things fitted me as if they were waiting for me. That day something changed in my life. I remember that evening. I took out everything from my old almirah and trust me I felt like a fool, on why on earth was I using all those old worn out stuff, when I had everything that I needed. I franticlyt ook out all that was old and haggard and that day I replaced everything with the new. But, I wondered what the hell was I waiting and saving for. Here was my answer- I waited for that perfect soulmate. You know that one line from Jerry Mcguire that almost ruined us, “You complete me.”
So, darling this is what I learnt, no one completes you and please stop hoarding your life. The most beautiful thing about being single is that you get that time to be comfortable with yourself. Trust me more than half of the human race is not. This need to be always surrounded by someone has often led people live in a compromised relationship that at the end of the day leaves one bitter.
I have a friend, she would always date someone. Men who were far below her standards. Men who could not appreciate the gift that she was. The thing is that when we keep compromising on what we deserve, we end up believing that we deserve less. She finally found a deserving guy and before going back home for her marriage, the last words of wisdom she shared was, “You know Paro, the best part about you is that, you preferred to stay single rather than going out with just anyone, you kept your self-respect and self-worth intact. I on other hand went out with less deserving men, and I somewhere lost confidence in the woman I was. That is why you could go higher in life. I got the lesser gifts.”
My only take away from her was when you are not comfortable with who you are, you will want anyone to fill that space, once you know who you are and you know what you want, you can bargain for the best shots in life.
My only take away from her was when you are not comfortable with who you are, you will want anyone to fill that space, once you know who you are and you know what you want, you can bargain for the best shots in life. That’s the gift of being single. Always give yourself the grace to be with yourself, and give yourself what you think you need. That is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Don’t hoard life. Do whatever you think you want. You want to travel-Go. Want to paint- Buy a canvas. Build your own garden, learn to say no to what does not make you happy, be less tolerant to discomfort, chase your dreams, I assure you, you will be much more fulfilled in life. The magic is that, everyone wants to know and be with a woman who is self fulfilling and that is the time, you can chose anything you want and desire. For a woman who loves herself and has a fulfilled life will never tolerate anything that will not nurture her. Relationships are meant to nurture and make us grow into our better version. It is by no means meant to make us smaller and smaller and finally into an invisible self.
Whatever you are -Single or a couple, you my girl, deserve the best. Go create the life you deserve. Rest assured.
And stop being apologetic about being single. Not everyone finds someone. Some people find themselves, which may be enough for them. You are made of the starts and the moons, let no one tell you, you are a lesser human because there is no one by your side. You are enough to claim all the good this world has to offer. That I know for sure.
Hope you fall in love with the miracle that you are. Hey, there you woman, you are so beautiful. I know that and I know you know that too.
A painted, dented women.
Cover image via Shutterstock
Proud Indian. Senior Writer at Women's Web. Columnist. Book Reviewer. Street Theatre - Aatish. Dreamer.
I loved this one. I have seen too many educated, talented women sacrificing self-respect at the alter of marriage due to all the social conditioning we receive since our childhood. It may affect men also to certain extent, however I feel women are more vulnerable. I am myself a happily married woman, yet I firmly believe marriage is not be all and end all in life.
This just made my day and life too…Thank you for this piece. I think I was in need of this.
Thank you Bhawna. May you be blessed with all that is good.
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