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Trapped in a toxic space by those I trusted most had eroded my self-esteem, turned me into a young adult with no self-love. It was time to step away.
Yes, I did it! Finally, after years of dreaming of this moment, I did it!
I became fully independent. 2022 is the year I became fully independent in many ways.
This has been one of the biggest challenges that I have faced in my life- to let go of all the toxicity weighing me down.
And it’s not easy, especially for women, who, in general, are trapped into toxic cycles by those they trust the most. It happened in my case, too. The people who were supposed to open my mind and encourage me to spread my wings, limited me.
Constant criticism, taunts, and cuss words hurled at me, day in and day out, for three whole decades, had eroded my self-esteem, turned me into a young adult with no self-love. I was constantly scared, suffered from anxiety, was angry all the time, and deeply unhappy. I even suffered from depression and insomnia as a result of all this gaslighting that sent one message, over and over, that I’m not good enough.
But the truth is, I am.
I am good enough. And the moment I realized that I was being limited, that the toxic cycle wasn’t letting me live my full potential and be happy, I decided I was done.
Done with the toxicity, the self-doubt, the denial of things that made me happy, not following my passions and doing what sustained me. Just because I was listening to people who didn’t believe in me. So I stopped listening to them, and listened only to myself. Once I decided I was done, I was set free.
The toxicity no longer affects me. I am independent now.
For one, I started the second year of my doctoral program at a college campus in North India. I also became financially independent, having saved up money, and paying for my own expenses. I also moved out of the family home, for good, and into a hostel on my campus.
So I also started living independently.
I am doing original research and planning a future scientific career, with support and help from my supervisor. I had always wanted to pursue a PhD, and though I did get admitted, the pandemic did put a spanner in the works. But now, I have finally moved to my campus, and working on my research goals, with plans to start a teaching career, and move abroad for a postdoctoral position, and a career in research in a few years.
So, as I have stated, I let go of all the toxicity and moved out from the toxic environment where all that toxicity originated in the first place. Since then, life has been great.
I am happier because I am independent, and doing what I want to. I have reconnected with my friends, and made new ones. Furthermore, I am exploring new things. For example, earlier this year, I had my first cocktail. I am experimenting with clothes and accessories, such as shoes. My friend taught me how to doll up with minimum make-up now, and my usually make-up averse self isn’t so averse any more.
I am eating better, healthier, and taking better care of myself. I have become more confident about my body, and my appearance, and do not let comments about my weight or my looks affect me. I have started travelling, and learning how to hop from place to place on my own. I’ve learnt how to cook new dishes.
I got published in several anthologies, and for one of them, I even won a prize for best idea! Not only that, but I also got started with finishing a novel and a novella, which have been lying as incomplete drafts in my laptop for nearly two years.
My temperament has become one where I face all challenges with positivity and a big smile, and I don’t let the toxic people who wronged me or their toxic drama affect me any more. I take extra care to focus on my life, health, career, and friends and not get involved in their toxicity any more. And this positive attitude is paying off. I am not afraid of seeking new things or going for what I want any more, and I am reaping the dividends.
Therefore, 2022 is a landmark year, where I left all the toxicity behind, became fully comfortable in my own skin, embraced all the positivity and positive things and people. I spread my wings, and took off into this big, beautiful world with a smile on my face and ambitions in my eyes. I became fully independent- to pursue things that make my happy, and live my best life.
Image source: YouTube/ Pocket Films (Anamika)
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A feminist man sometimes seems like an oxymoron, but maybe there are some out there. How is it to be married to a feminist man?
How is it to be married to a feminist man?
This is a working list. Will keep adding to it.
Do you also have a feminist man at home? And if yes, what is it to be married to him? Do share.
Trust, understanding, and companionship thrived between us as we grew older while the initial intensity felt more stable and comforting kind of love
It was almost midnight. I was dead tired and fatigued.
I was feeling drained out and fatigued. My head was hurting badly. Sleep seemed far from eyes. I was tossing and turning in the bed I noticed his eyes were gaping at me, perhaps he wasn’t getting sleep either. Our eyes locked and soon I felt drawn toward his mysterious and irresistible charm.
With parted lips, he looked up through lashes. His side glancing at me stole my heart.
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