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No one else is really going to be there in your sadness. People may help, but NEVER hope that someone will do something for you.
Trigger warning: This deals with domestic abuse, and traumatic childbirth with the loss of the infant, and may be triggering for survivors.
Ever since I can remember, my parents always taught us that family is important. Some of them are your blood relatives, some friends that you grow up with or make during your journey in life, and some you get by marrying someone.
When you are happy then many come to congratulate, and celebrate with you. But the people that help you at a time of need, to get up and face your demons, are your family.
Four months ago when I was pregnant, my husband and his family didn’t care, but there were few others who did.
After my checkups, my parents would always ask how things went, and a few friends would check on me occasionally. Then there were some relatives who would always call and say “Beta hoga to mujhe sona chahiye!” (If it’s a son, we want some gold!).
Then came a day when I ended up in hospital, and my son died. When the relatives who’d always asked me about my baby’s gender found out, they never called again. A few friends checked once, and then they stopped calling too. I was left alone in the hospital with my parents waiting outside, praying that at least I should survive even if my son died. My husband and his family had left me to die; he didn’t even sign my caesarean permission, after all what use was I to him after his son’s death.
Unfortunately for all those losers, I lived, but this woman has changed. I don’t feel love any more.
My parents brought me home after the first few days in the hospital, and they were denounced by society. Apparently leaving me in the hospital to die was the right thing to do according to these so-called society VIPs.
My siblings were fine for the first two months, but then my presence became a burden on them. They couldn’t celebrate any occasions with me being at home. My sadness was affecting their mood and so one fine day I lost my relationship with my siblings too.
The few friends who knew what had happened with me also stopped talking to me, as no one wanted to know society’s outcast.
A few more days passed and I knew that it was time to find a new home, but unfortunately I had none. Neither did I have the money to find a new place for myself, as my husband had ensured to ruin me financially as well. Most of my salary was going in paying EMIs for the house that was in his name and in paying my hospital bills (insurance doesn’t really cover everything).
Today I have learnt a lesson, that family doesn’t begin with people around you, family begins with YOU yourself.
We are here in this world to live, and to do that, we have to first be happy ourselves. No one else is going to be there in your sadness, when you can handle things yourself. People may help, but NEVER hope that someone will do something for you. Every relationship is stress-tested during such times.
These are a few points I learnt.
There is nothing wrong in asking for help, but DON’T keep high hopes, because that is what hurts the most.
Thank friends, family, relatives, if they help you during bad times. And if they don’t, then just try to motivate yourself and find a way.
Do NOT take help for longer than needed. The first few days you will be a treasure, but it doesn’t take long to be a burden. So do NOT overstay your welcome, period.
Do not share details of your horror, because the matter you share at your most vulnerable point might be used by them, and you will regret trusting anyone with that.
Your pain would always be PAINFUL only to you. Others may feel pity or sorry for you, but that is not going to lessen your pain in any way.
If you really want to talk, there are a lot of paid counsellors who can help. Find professionals.
Find something that motivates you.
I looked for a new job, where no one knew about my history. They only know that I am returning from medical leave and for some reason, strangers are more supportive.
Slowly patch your life back together.
The pain never goes away, but with time you will get used to it. Even now when I see a baby, my heart cries, but after four months I can control my tears, and I don’t need to turn my eyes away.
Relationship dynamics change in a matter of seconds, ACCEPT it.
The man I loved for 5 years, the man who was my everything, is now the person I hate the most in this whole wide world.
Blaming yourself or thinking what all you could have done to change history, will not help.
I thought of hundreds of things that could have changed what happened. The more I thought, the more I wanted to go back in history and change things. I went as far back as the time my marriage was arranged, hoping I could have said NO at that time.
All of that just makes it worse, since as of date there is no time machine that can help you achieve that, so don’t waste your time.
Hoping for too much is bad.
I had decided that I wanted to change my life. I started pushing myself to study, get a new job, but it affected my health. I had recently had a surgery, and sitting for long hours, stressing myself, just made it worse. Even now I am on medication.
If you want to change something, start SMALL. Small aims, short term goals are the way to begin.
This is one suggestion I wish I had followed.
Many might rebuke me for saying it, but here it goes – If your family or friends are degrading you for your choices and you believe in yourself, move away from them. They are just going to delay your healing.
A word of caution – it is also possible that they may be right and you are going in the wrong direction, so here you have to be sure of what you are doing.
Pray. It doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not, pray to whoever you trust. It may be Superman or a piece of rock, but that really helps.
Deal with your pain your way, do what helps you heal, but at the same time don’t hurt people who are trying to help.
I hurt my parents a lot during this process, and somehow they are the only ones who still stand by me.
I have accepted that it’s my problem and no one else needs to be there for me. If they do, it’s good. And if they don’t it’s still fine. Move on, because you are the only one who can stop yourself from moving on. Those aunties who talk crap about you, or those relatives who degrade you cannot do anything until you yourself decide to give up!
Image source: a still from the short film Juice
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