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We miss all of this when we talk to our daughters, and only worry about teen pregnancy, protection, and lie to tell them that we had sex much later in life – the usual nonsense of an Indian Family.
Sex… still such an uncomfortable subject for so many Indian families.
We live in a ‘modern’ society, we party, have drinks, dress in the most contemporary fashion in most metropolitan cities. We make sex jokes, laugh about it, be cool and tell ourselves and everyone around us that “we are not your typical Indian parents” and that we are ‘different’. We are decades ahead of our ancestors, and never would we raise our girls like our parents raised their daughters.
And yet when it comes to your daughters and sex, there’s so much confusion and hesitancy.
What’s the right age? How to approach the subject? How much of our lives’ information to divulge? We hear ourselves sounding obsolete and such far stretched liars.
And of course in all this, the topic of sex misses the G spot completely! No wonder our daughters arn’t aroused by it!
So I have a 12 yr old who now tells me that her batchmates are already having sex.
Am I scared? Yes. Do I think it’s ok for her to have sex at 13? Absolutely NO! But the reasons behind my NO and my husband’s are very different.
Then to add to this is a close family member who advises being cool. “Whenever you do just make sure you use protection”, “I am here if you need to buy anything…”
Aghast, I feel, isn’t this such an old school teaching, just the ‘protection against pregnancy or infection’?
The question I want to ask myself is – why do you truly wish your 12 yr daughter does not have sex at 13? Have you realized the answer beneath the surface?
Hormonally women are ready for sex about the same time men are. But I feel that sex for a girl, or a woman, has other emotions attached. Hormonal, taught by society, in built… I don’t know. But somehow women my age have feelings of guilt, rejection, feeling sexy, wanting to satisfy. etc always attached to sex. Maybe movies, maybe social conditioning.
My fear of her having sex at 13 is about not being emotionally ready.
My fear… the young boy she might end up with could just satisfy himself and leave, making her feel used. He may not be able to understand his own body, and could make her feel rejected or unworthy. The emotions she might feel after having sex…
We need to address these issues with our daughters instead of being scared of when they will have sex.
We need to make them understand their body, and their needs when in bed. We need to talk to them about trusting their gut, trusting their body, its sensations, help them gain the confidence that when and where to call it off is their choice.
I heard my London studied and cool relative say that she “saved her virginity for a special someone?” Seriously, did I hear this today, in 2022?!
What’s happening? What are they supposed to save ?
Virginity is just a tissue? Why is it symbolized by Indians as ‘purity’? Why is their moral policing on sex for girls and not for guys? With our boys we’re open to talk about “so how many girlfriends?” Will we ask our girls?
Lets stop the slut/ stud labelling of these youngsters right now, with regards to sexual partners.
If we don’t raise our child others will. They will fill her with guilt and shame in regards to sex. So instead being scared about pregnancy and talking only about protection, lets add something to that. Let’s raise our parenting standards, and let’s talk about emotional well being along with physical well being, and take out the guilt from wanting to have sex.
It’s ok to want to have sex. Let’s start with talking about sex over dinner table conversations. Let’s be better parents.
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Shikha Poddar a mother & entrepreneur, born and brought up in India is a versatile feminist writer who writes in Hindi and English. She is also known for curating classical music evenings and promoting the knowledge read more...
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