Depression And Being In A Conventional, Patriarchal Marriage Are A Horrible Combo To Be A Mother!

I am an aunt to two amazing nephews. I love them with all my heart and pamper them, which is why I am a cool aunt. While being the cool aunt isn’t easy, my sister and other mothers have shown me that mothering is infinitely harder.

Add to that a crippling mental illness like clinical depression, and you have a recipe for doom. I know because I have it for 17 years and counting. It has impacted not just my will to live (hello suicidal ideation), but also my entire personality ranging from my moods, my energy and patience levels and even my social skills. This is not on me! This is what depression does to a person.

If you are in a conventional straight marriage, the responsibility of raising a kid all alone can worsen your mental health.

And if you’re in a patriarchal straight marriage, there’s another problem you have to deal with even if you are living with a partner as it is ‘your’ job to raise kids. The mental load is not equal and it tilts in the man’s favour even without a child in the picture.

You’ll have to spend at least the next 18 years struggling to keep yourself afloat and your child safe and healthy, while your partner doesn’t even do the bare minimum. The pandemic has only made things worse for us women. So please, do your depressed self and your unborn child a favor and don’t be a mom.

If you really want to mother a child, can put up with the mental load, or don’t have a partner, why not adopt instead?

If you are keen to become a mother, can put up with the mental load, and don’t have a partner then why not adopt instead of bearing your own child. Because while your biological kids are prone to inherit your mental illness, the chances are far slimmer when you adopt. Adoption is on the rise anyway, so why not consider that step?

After all, one can get depressed at any stage in life; and  situational depression can be just as bad as clinical depression. At the end of the day, aren’t all parents—whether abled or disabled—only trying their best? Why then should mentally unwell people be denied the right to raise a child?

As long as they have healthy coping mechanisms and a support system in place, depressed folks can also do a reasonably good job at parenting. Or you know, don’t be a mom at all if you don’t want to. It’s totally your call.

Image source: Still from English Vinglish

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