Being Me, Being Mom, And The Impossibility Of Trying To Escape Heartache

I wanted to finish the story I was writing lest the thoughts vanish, and needed about an hour. And that was when my younger daughter decided to walk in.

I wanted to finish the story I was writing lest the thoughts vanish, and needed about an hour. And that was when my younger daughter decided to walk in.

Being a mother is perhaps one of the only jobs in the world that requires you to be on call 24-7. It is one of the only jobs that bring out every emotion  – love, pain, hurt, despair, anger, sadness, joy. And it is THE only job in the world that guarantees ultimate satisfaction.

There have been numerous times in my journey wherein I have questioned my ways, I have doubted my methods and I’ve made mistakes, and I am totally okay to admit that. For all those who disregard home makers, I am more than sure that this pandemic has brought out their best and their worst, as well.

Having two teenagers in our home is a continuous struggle between setting limits and explaining the why, instead of just saying – “Because I said so.” I work from home because my profession allows it but let me begin by saying that it is the most frustrating thing to do.

I just snapped at her

Once I was in the midst of writing a climax scene for my novel. My fingers were literally flying on the keyboard and so engrossed was I that I didn’t hear the door open. I wanted to finish this, lest the thoughts vanish and needed about an hour. And that was when my younger daughter decided to walk in. She wanted to say something and I just snapped.

Turns out that when I did go to her, all she had come for, was to give me a hug as I had been working non stop between domestic chores, their homework, my husband’s bank work and my own. Of course she was crying because in a fit of annoyance, I said more than I should have and that’s the sad part about words.. Once said, they cannot be undone.

They’re still just children…

In a bid to satiate my own desires of writing, somewhere I failed to realise that they are just children after all. And looking around at the dreadful things teenagers experiment with, I am very blessed to state that all mine want is my undivided time and attention.

I came from a world wherein my mother was always there for me. She walked me through my every high and cried with me through my every low. So, this wasn’t a generational trauma that I was exposing my kids to, but one of my own insecurities.

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What would happen when they fly away?

Being in lockdown with them made me realise that I was going to miss all the little moments we shared for they already had wings and would leave my nest soon.

It isn’t wrong for a mom to want her own time but in the catastrophe that has engulfed us most recently, the only time I really want is with them. It took a little fine tuning of my own thought process but eventually we came down to our daily sessions of love, laughter and messy kitchens.

Being me, being mom

If you ask me today, what have I got to write home about? My answer will begin with a smile. Being a mom makes me who I am. It is the reason that my soul smiles and also the reason that my heart breaks. I have been on the lucky side to have this timely realisation dawn on me that in the end, happiness is equated with a mental state. And the calmness that they exude, is solely because I chose to put them first. I chose to make my mistakes and talk to them about it. I chose to ensure that they have the comfort and ease to talk to me about anything in the world.

So, yes, I may be a hundred different things but being a Mother precedes every occupation I have. Motherhood is a journey wherein I have slipped, but I’ve found my bearings to ensure that my girls grow up into optimistic, happy women. And all it really took, was to see me in them.


Parenting is not easy, and while most of us try to parent our children mindfully, so many of us slide into default modes of parenting we have learnt from our parents while growing up. How do children perceive this parenting? Are we mindful of what they feel, what they think? Are we trying to #BreakTheChain of generational trauma?

We called for personal stories by moms where they have made this decision, or the personal stories of their mothers. To mother mindfully. Mothers and Daughters who say – #BreakTheChain.

Pooja Poddar Marwah is one of our winners.

Image source: YouTube

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About the Author

Pooja Poddar Marwah

Pooja Poddar Marwah is an Indian author and blogger. (October 22,1978) Her foray into writing began in a parking lot, whilst she was waiting for her kids’ co-curriculars to get over. Her debut read more...

19 Posts | 23,776 Views

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