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Every time I listened to what 'they' told me, I lost a little more of my true self.
Every time I listened to what ‘they’ told me, I lost a little more of my true self.
I wish I hadn’t looked back when…
They told me, you are a quiet child, when I was in kindergarten.
They told me, you need to speak more.
They told me, your heels are too high, when I was in high school.
They told me your skirt is too short.
They told me, basketball is for taller girls.
They told me to sit crossed legs, it makes you lady-like.
They told me, girls and boys cannot be best friends.
They told me, solo trips aren’t for girls at all.
They told me that good marks will make your future bright.
They told me, good girls don’t dance like that.
They told me, do not do night shifts or “just change your job!”
They told me, a woman sacrifices for her family.
They told me not to stay alone in a different city.
They told me, don’t go out alone.
They told me, late nights and discos are bad for me.
They told me, hanging out with friends too much is not what girls should do.
They told me to get married soon.
They asked me, when are you going to have a baby?
They told me, don’t have more babies.
They told me, may be you could have more.
They told me, don’t talk about bold topics like sex and love.
They told me to be well dressed all the time.
They told me, to attain something, you have to lose something.
They told me, you ought to learn to cook.
They told me to eat a little more.
They told me to put on a little weight.
They told me, you look so good in dresses.
They told me, you should spend more time with us.
I wish I hadn’t looked back and listened to what they said.
Because each time I did, I just lost a part of my true self and was just being what they wanted me to be…
It was always about what they wanted and never about ‘ME’!
Top image is a still from the Hindi movie, Cocktail
Blogger, Writer and Content Curator. Author of 'Infidelity-An Outrageously Funny Affair and The Ultimate Rom-Com' - available on Kindle. read more...
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We are conditioned to normalise domestic violence out of fear of abandonment. Thinking that 'trauma bonding' is better than no bonding holds us back from speaking up!
(Trigger Warning: This post may be triggering for survivors of domestic violence. This post has been published especially to honour the International Day For The Elimination of Violence Against Women.)
Everyone said my perfect husband was like Lord Ram…. but this is how he took unfair advantage of my tolerance!
My grandmother was very fond of my husband whose name is synonymous with Lord Ram’s name. Every call she made to my husband started with the bhajan “Aaj sab mil mangal gao, Awadh mai, raam aye hain“. (Hail everyone, sing praises, Lord Ram has come in the kingdom of Awadh.) It was a mandatory welcome song whenever she met him or even spoke to him on the phone. Yes, his attributes were like that of Lord Ram. His attitude, chivalry, persona, fair skin, smile, height, physique and charm illustrate the perfect image of Lord Ram.
Alone in the apartment the whole day, Riya used to feel claustrophobic. She could not imagine anyone living in with just one bunk to call one’s own. She thought about the clean air and the verdant hills of Siliguri.
The Muse of the Month is a monthly writing contest organised by Women’s Web, bringing you original fiction inspired by women.
Harshita Nanda is one of the winners for the November 2021 Muse of the Month, and wins a Rs 750 Amazon voucher from Women’s Web. The juror for this month, Anuradha Kumar commented, “This is truly an unusual, and moving mother-daughter story, set dually in Dubai and Siliguri. This story of courage, determination, and love of the mother, and the growing awareness on the daughter’s part is really insightful and very moving. A very contemporary story, featuring characters not much written about before.”
“And this is how it started. One little thing at a time, given up for my convenience or so he made me believe. I will tell you about a few such instances.”
“I would like to record this interview; hope you don’t mind. It helps me when I write the article.”
She nodded.
My due date had been set for May 31 2008 initially, by the doc I consulted in Mumbai. I had a dream pregnancy. Working till the last day, no morning sickness, great (may be over great) weight gain, no swelling on feet, no tiredness except towards the end – everything was picture perfect. So much so, that the gynac I consulted in Baroda after I went there in my ninth month, told my mom that I was a perfect example of being taken good care of. My mom confessed that it was all thanks to my hubby and my office folks since both in laws and parents weren t around in Mumbai through out my pregnancy.
My parents made me take my maternity leave from May 26th onwards despite my fervent pleadings to them – mainly because they didn t want me sit in front of the laptop in weird positions. The next four days were sheer agony for me, with me irritating my parents to the fullest, and they just being patient with me. I was bugged with my weight gain, my tummy protruding and basically just wanted the baby out. My nani had come down and she insisted that I sweep the entire garden daily morning as a part of my exercise routine, which trust me, I did religiously.
On may 30th, the doc did a sonography and told me that there was still time for the baby to come down; I was totally bugged by now and cried to my MIL big time on the phone that night.