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Dear King on the Porcelain throne, what makes you visit the washroom for almost an hour multiple times a day? Doesn’t your rear end fall asleep?
Sam put the milk up on the stove to boil and shouted out to his wife, Shania, ‘Babe I need to go to the toilet. Just watch the milk.’
Shania shouted back from the next room while nursing her baby, ‘What? Again!’
Before she could say anything more, she heard the bathroom door slam hard. She ran to the kitchen with her baby in one hand and monitored the milk on the stove.
Then, she turned the stove off and put her baby in the crib with some toys. Stealthily, she walked to the bathroom and heard Sam watching Game of Thrones inside. ‘He spends most of the time sitting on the white throne!’ she grunted and went to the kitchen to do the dishes.
Sam sat in the toilet watching videos on his phone. He looked in front of him and saw a note on the wall. His eyes darted to it and saw that it was a note from his wife Shania.
Dear King on the Porcelain throne,
This is where you are found often, hence, this note.
I have a question for you – what makes you visit the washroom for almost an hour multiple times a day? Doesn’t your rear end fall asleep?
As a matter of fact, let me tell you, that like you, I also have the need to defecate. Since I became a mother, I have learned to hold my bowels back – only to find a ‘convenient’ time to go to the loo. How is it that each time you need to visit the washroom, it’s a matter of urgency?
Still not convinced why I am asking you? Here’s the thing, whenever we go to the mall, you park the car and tell me that you need to hurry to the washroom. For God’s sake, only ten minutes ago, we were at home!
You head towards the toilet, jostling in a hurry, leaving me with a heavy diaper bag and baby to carry. At home, you wake up and head straight to the toilet and then show up after forty five painful minutes. Yes! It’s painful to hear you enjoying funny videos on Facebook and laugh out loud. Meanwhile, I hold up my bowels, make breakfast, clean and feed baby. If you still haven’t got the point, that’s all the work I do while you sit in your manly cave.
It’s nothing less than a miracle, that only two hours later when I tell you that I am exhausted and you need to walk the dog that you rush to the restroom. Again.
Your blissful solo trips hurt me because I am left with so much to do. Yesterday I thought I could nap in the afternoon while you would play with baby. Alas! You had just finished your lunch and told me that you cannot hold it any longer. What followed next is predictable – you sat on the throne till your feet went numb and I played with baby letting out fake laughters.
In the evenings, you go in for a deadly combination – defecate plus shower! That’s after I have already run a hundred miles from the kitchen to the room where baby plays. I think now it’s time for you to confess why are you addicted to this vanishing act.
Sometimes when I know I cannot hold it anymore, I come banging on the bathroom door. Even after that, I hear you taking your own sweet time watching debates on a news channel, where everyone is shouting but the only voice you hear says, the nation wants to know!
Dammit DH. Your dear wife is outside. Please listen to her. Because she wants to know why do you take so long? And even after banging the door, you come out merrily after fifteen minutes and tell me, ‘Didn’t you go in the morning? I thought you did.’
Do wipe the toilet seat.
Yours Forever Waiting Anxious Wife!
A version of this was first published here.
Picture credits: YouTube
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