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This Is Exactly How It Feels, When Depression Hits

Posted: July 9, 2020

Depression. When I say, I hate everything around, or I lose interest, or when I sleep too much or not at all, or when I cry too much or remain silent for days.

There is a dark pit in my stomach, that has a thread.
It brings down all the black holes of the Universe to me.
I drown.
There are empty silences between my ears that slap me.
I hear them.
Those black holes swallow my tongue, which sticks between my throat.
I don’t know, how to un-swallow it.
I scream in a vacuum.
That is exactly how it feels,
When depression hits.

You ask me to think positive.
I wake up and see black clouds all around,
I tremble.
I don’t know, how not to un-think anxiety.
I drown again.
My day ends before I begin anything.
That is exactly how it feels,
When depression hits.

You say I need to go to the mountains to feel the fresh air.
I trust you.
I go.
You see beauty.
I see that the whole unending sky falling on my face.
Melancholia grips in.
My stomach knots hard.
I don’t know how to be un-melancholic.
I cry.
That is exactly how it feels,
When depression hits.

You say I should never talk about it to anyone.
Otherwise, no one will marry me.
But how do I love and live with anyone when I can’t live with myself.
Myself, whom I am supposed to love the most.
I don’t know how to live with myself.
That is exactly how it feels,
When depression hits.

You give me the name of your God.
You give me holy books.
But God knows, I have swallowed my own tongue and I can’t call his name.
I try.
I fail.
I strangulate myself.
That is exactly how it feels,
When depression hits.

Maybe when I say, I hate everything around.
Or I lose interest in my passions.
Or when I sleep too much or don’t sleep at all.
Or when I cry too much or remain silent for days.
Maybe that is when you can see that I am not acting pricey or feeling too much, or being a bitch.
Maybe I am drowning.
Maybe I am wanting to tie a knot around my neck, or rub a blade on my wrist.
For I want to end this pain.
Maybe then, you can ask me if I need help or maybe you can offer me some.
Maybe you are my last resort to living my next breath.
For, I feel numb knowing I can’t live with this darkness.
Because this is how helpless I feel each time depression hits!

If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. 

Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669
Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050
Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704
Sahai, Bangalore: 080–25497777
Roshni, Hyderabad: 040-66202000, 040-66202001

Image source: pexels

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Proud Indian. Senior Writer at Women's Web. Columnist. Book Reviewer. Street Theatre - Aatish. Dreamer.

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