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Sushant Singh Rajput's death reminded me how I was bullied at work and how it impacted my mental and physical health. And how I fought it.
Sushant Singh Rajput’s death reminded me how I was bullied at work and how it impacted my mental and physical health. And how I fought it.
Sushant Rajput’s demise is 2020’s most heart breaking news and I am sure we all are going through the same emotional turmoil. All of us probably feel like one of our own has killed himself. Someone who was bright, charming, successful and full of dreams is no longer around us.
The loss is unbearable and saying ‘feeling sad’ would be a very casual expression of what we are feeling. And getting over this heart wrenching incident has become really difficult. All this is inexplicable, but the fact remains that we’ve suffered a loss.
We have all heard a number of speculative stories connected to his death. Meanwhile, people also trying to prove that the suicide was due to nepotism and bullying in Bollywood and the emotional turmoil after his breakup. They are claiming it was a murder and what not!
Whatever the case, the gone is gone and he – a pool of intelligence, talent and dreams, didn’t deserve to go like that and that too so soon. He had a long way to go. I often ponder what kind of pressure was he under in those last minutes where he felt like killing himself would be better than living the life he was leading. Though we did see his videos where he seemed to be living a happy successful life, I wonder about what he went through.
As for the reasons, the one thing I have been mulling over heavily is the bullying and trust me, there are bullies all around us. This incident has taken me back some twelve years ago, when I too was bullied and traumatised.
It took me back to when I worked in a corporate and nobody could ever guess what actually was going within me. I looked like a normal person who was lively and who liked to work with full integrity and honesty.
Some times, it happens that you are unable to judge whether it is the bullying or your own incompetencies that make you doubt yourself. It is this time when you tend to conceal your problems and avoid sharing it with your loved ones.
Every time I was bullied I doubted on my own performance and tried to over-perform. But I didn’t realize I only gave more and more power to those atrocious living beings who have no other business but to make somebody’s life a hell with their presence and torment. I remember it came to a point where allowing those bullies to bully me started affecting my health terribly.
Initially, I remember, it started with back pain and vertigo. Driving became terribly difficult, and I was slowly and gradually getting pulled into the black hole. Worse still, I was not aware of the causes.
I believed my long working hours were affecting my health and for that I can always have a cure. But I was unaware of the impact the daily bullying and harassment from my seniors and colleagues was having on me. It ate me up from within and I only doubted my own performance and capabilities.
I worked harder and harder just to get in their good books. But I was unaware that they were bullies and they don’t need you to impress them. I didn’t know that they have some infected hormones in their bodies which live and survive on other’s pain and destruction. That they generally get a kick out of them. I didn’t know that they are nothing less than a disease.
Unaware of the psychological trauma, I started taking medication and regular physiotherapy treatment for my back pains and vertigo. This would give me relief for a day but by the end of the day I was back to zero.
Medication became a part of my meal and then I started exercising a little but it was all in vain. Life actually became very difficult and I started feeling choked living the way I was living. But the concern was that I was not aware of what I was going through.
In fact, I didn’t have words to express what was happening to me that made me to look forward to medication and physiotherapy and perform to prove my mettle.
Two years passed with this terrible life when the horrible dreams began. They seemed funny to me then. I still remember laughing out loud as I narrated the dream where I tore off the head of a bully with my nails and enjoyed the blood spurting out. And I still remember how I felt during the dream – the immense satisfaction of seeing the man in pain and enjoying seeing him bleed.
That would have been a horrifying dream if it had come in my normal state of mind. However, since my mental state was overly disturbed and under tremendous stress of being harassed on a daily basis, that dream was like a solace for me. This was not normal. I developed such hatred for all those bullies who wanted to snatch my peace of mind with their corporate political agendas. All this was like a maze to me.
I repeatedly saw this dream and I was happy I could do something to them, at least in my dreams! Luckily I had narrated this to my grandfather who happened to be a homeopathic doctor.
He immediately took these dreams as a symptom of something going in my sub conscious which was impacting my health. Then, he also shared what his observations were after questioning me.
I was made to understand that repeatedly having dreams indicated my distressed mental state. It was alarming and he immediately took my case seriously and informed my family to handle it carefully with all love and support.
He explained what was going inside me and that all the back pain, vertigo and weight gain was due to the stress and I have to conquer it with my positivity and will-power. I realised I had allowed these bullies to overpower my peace of mind. And that there was nothing wrong with my performance at all. I was made to realise that I was yet to draw a line somewhere as this was not the way a corporate works.
So, I started my homeopathic medication, exercising, and most importantly I became aware. I must say “being aware of what is impacting me and how” was the foremost cure to my problem.
It is important to understand that when you are aware, you work towards controlling the root cause. That you built your own immunity towards those tormentors. It is a slow process but when it starts working, it works wonders.
Over and above that, the strength, love and moral support my family gave me in those testing times was like a capsule of wonders. This was essential for me to fight out that bullying and I came out of that successfully.
We have to learn to manage such bullies because you cannot stop the mushrooming of such parasites. However, you ca learn to ignore them and build a wall around yourself to kick those parasites back to their holes and live a life
Now when I think about Sushant, if he too was bullied, I believe, he was strong enough to tackle the situation. But what was absent was the presence of his loved ones standing with him. Especially in those last minutes when he decided to embrace death instead of fighting out those parasites.
Bullies are nothing else but diseases and they have to be dealt differently. You don’t do so by succumbing to them like I did by tolerating them without telling about to my loved ones.
When my condition became terrible was when my family and I became aware of the root cause. We stood together to fight that out. Love is a strength which can fight any situation and that’s where I guess Sushant Rajput was falling back.
I believe, he was not lucky enough to have somebody beside him who could provide him a breather with their love and strength. Maybe that could have saved him if at all bullying was the reason of his demise.
Picture credits: Pexels
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Ruchi is a new person who has dared to break all walls of monotony in life, a dreamer, a learner and likes to derive inspiration in all situations she is into.
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Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
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