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Dear in-laws - do not be the reason your daughter in law gives up on her marriage, as she is her own person who knows how she wants to live her life.
Dear in-laws – do not be the reason your daughter in law gives up on her marriage, as she is her own person who knows how she wants to live her life.
Hello ladies, I really am requesting all you people to read this at least once, and please do share your experiences too.
So I got married a few years ago to my mom’s childhood friend’s son. My parents are financially stronger than them, so they thought that their money would keep me happy. And my MIL wanted to use my parents’ and siblings name and my salary so it was win – win for both, well not really, because I became the loser in all this.
But that’s a story for another time; today we are discussing how not to treat daughters in law.
Please do not ask them for their salary accounts and ATM cards after marriage.
It had been 4 months since I got married and I had just recently taken a transfer to stay in my husband’s family home when my MIL comes and asks me to hand over my bank data, cheque books, pass books and ATM cards to her.
It was only then that I came to know that my 30 year old husband still gets pocket money from his mom and does not even handle his own accounts. I am happy that I said no, because 3 years later, my husband asks me for money almost every month as his pocket money is not sufficient for him.
Please do not interfere in husband wives personal conversation regarding honeymoon plans.
So our first anniversary was approaching and I had still been waiting for him to ask his mom permission for our honeymoon. When he did not show any signs, I asked her and finally planned a trip, he did the bookings and you know what my MIL got it all cancelled one day before our flight, we lost all the money and she broke something in me. It has been 2 years since then we never went anywhere and a few months back I stopped asking.
Please do not expect that she will take over the role of the maid, the cook and the care taker’s roles.
Due to shifting to my husband’s place, I had to compromise on a lot of things career wise, I lost my onsite appointment (totally my decision, my manager kept asking me to reconsider, I accept that I was stupid).
I had to travel almost 50kms everyday to and fro as they live on the out-skirts of the city and they expected me to clean and prepare breakfast and lunch boxes for 5 adults including myself before catching my bus at 7.45. And as soon as I stepped in the house I have to enter the kitchen to prepare dinner. This had been going on for almost 2 years until we hired a cook and increased the maid’s pay.
Please give them some alone time to bond.
So in the 3 years that we have been married we have only been out together just twice, the family is always around, but even those instances are so rare that I am learning to accept it. The last time we went anywhere was more than 6 months back and that was to D-mart for buying groceries.
Please don’t tell her that this is your house and not hers.
Because I have been hearing this from my MIL and both my sisters in law – one of them is married and has been staying with her mother for more than 3 years now.
Trust me I do not get the feeling of home at all. I feel more at home in my office than here. My SIL does not have good relation with her husband’s family so she is always here and all I keep hearing is that she is a guest and I should enjoy my stay with her. Really? Because I feel like the guest here, an unwelcome guest.
Please don’t give gifts if it is just for insulting her.
The most frequent thing that I have been hearing here is that you are dark-skinned, this colour doesn’t suit you, or this dress is too tight, or you have no fashion style. I am a human being with my own tastes, and have a right to dress the way I like. You can judge, I can’t stop you doing that; but please keep your opinions to yourself.
Ask your married daughters not to threaten your DILs with sending them back to their parents.
Let’s be serious ladies, if a woman married for more than 3 years hasn’t stayed with her husband or his family for even 3 months, then there is something wrong there, and she needs to introspect, not ask another woman to leave or teach her mannerisms to be followed in her in-laws house.
And just so you know, I don’t need my parents to support me, I earn a decent salary, have my own flat that I bought with my own money, and I know lawyers that could sue you for saying that.
Don’t baby your 30-year old sons.
I am sure he knows how to peel oranges, you don’t need to do it for him, or ask your DIL who is working from home and trying to finish an important assignment after completing all the household chores to leave that work and peel oranges for him.
Are you crazy?? Is it really too much to ask you to stop? Because woman, you need to answer to God one day especially if this ends in a bitter divorce thanks to you.
Do not compare your family with hers and if you do, learn to take criticism.
It’s not good to keep insulting her family and not expect that she will retaliate.
So my siblings, both younger than me, make almost double of what I do, are well-settled with their own homes before reaching 25. Your kids are not doing half as well, and you insult my mom saying that she is hungry for money that is why she let her kids study in hostels away from her to complete their studies and work. Woman, my sister passed out from an IIT, she was not going to give it up just because you think she should.
Do not insult her profession and then expect her to help when you want.
So my younger SIL had passed out of college a years back and had been trying to prepare for all sorts of stuff or so she said. But after 4 years and no fruitful results, her parents forced her into a job and asked me to get her a job in my company without any interview.
Wake up, people! It’s not the old ages, when people got jobs because someone recommended, no MNC will hire now just because her SIL works there too. They did not talk to me for almost a month when she did not crack the interview in my company because according to them, I did not try enough, even though I sat with her to prepare, I applied for courses for her, did mock interviews and stuff, but still I am the culprit.
Do not read her personal diary and then act like it is no big deal.
I confronted my MIL for reading my personal diary and she blasted on me saying that there is nothing I can keep in her home, so I stopped writing diary that I had been doing for almost 12 years now.
After an year I realised that I needed to write so I started writing again, but kept it hidden in my office drawer. Even my team members know about it, but at least they respect me enough not to touch it. And just recently I have taken up on this platform to share my feelings with strangers.
And most importantly, do not break her heart.
I came into this family because of you, my mom trusted you in some way and got us married, but you have hurt me many times. I agree that you are good to me many times as well, but those things you and your family said and did to me has hurt a lot. And I am on the verge of giving up.
I am sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings with these words, but these are from my heart. I have so much more to say and share, but I think its enough for tonight. I really want you all to share your experiences as well.
Image source: a still from the film Bend it like Beckham
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If her MIL had accepted her with some affection, wouldn't they have built a mutually happier relationship by now?
The incident took place ten years ago.
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Trigger Warning: This has graphic descriptions of violence and may be triggering to survivors and victims of violence.
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